I would remix the song so that the beat is more prominent. It seems to be a little muted in relation to the rest of the music. Of course, I’m a drummer who plays with some real fucking power so I’m biased in this respect. I wish Jimmy Page had had John Bonham’s drums miked up a lot louder as well.
For instance, at the beginning you have a pretty basic drum fill going down the toms on the drum machine, and I hear the same fill several other times. But it seemed to be buried behind the rest of the music a little too much, especially the first one that gets the beat going.
As a drummer, when I perform a drumfill that sort of kicks off the song, I like to play it much louder than what you have here. It’s the start of the song so really bang that shit out to let everyone know what’s up, you know what I mean? Also, I’d recommend a fill with more creativity than simply 1/8 notes from the rack tom to the floor toms. Perhaps a triplet feel moving down the toms, with more power of course.
Or something that’s longer and phrased differently. Some easy fills that sound really creative that you could try to emulate can be found in “D’yer Maker” by Led Zeppelin. Another one that comes to mind, although much simpler-sounding but still not a basic snare-to-rack tom-to-floor tom-to-floor tom to bass drum fill is the first fill featured in “Roll Right” by Rage Against the Machine.
Or something like 3 1/16 notes on the snare, with the first two notes ghosted, followed by 2 1/16 notes on the rack (high) tom, 2 more 1/16 notes on the snare, one 1/16 note on the floor tom and then a big fucking crash cymbal on One. Know what I mean?
Also, you have some electric-sounding tambourine shit at the beginning of the song. Shitcan that shit and replace it with two quick 1/16 notes on the bass drum instead, with the second note accented (or the first one played as a ghost note on the bass drum). Or alternate between the two.
As far as your lyrical style, it sounds a bit monotonous and flat. Perhaps a sense of urgency or desperation in your voice would lend the song more tension. Other than that, I was surprised. I expected a complete clusterfuck of shit, which this was not.