T Nation

Quotes from Bash.org


#1

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, shit

the "bishop" came to our church today
he was a fucken impostor
never once moved diagonally

haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
holy fuck.
i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
fucking ken
ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
oh fuck.
if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

d-_-b
how u make that inverted b?
wait
never mind

HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
try pressing the the Caps Lock key
O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
fuck me

Im going to be the next hitler
Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
why the clown
See? no one cares about the jews
lmao

I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
The girl started crying and left class ^^

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

<_kr4m3r> so many fucking criminals, its bullshit
heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
whatd u think they'd say?
something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

My mom found me perusing bash.org and looking up quotes about incest, and was like OMG!
Now she actually goes there regularly to make sure there aren't any new text words that have been searched for
I saw her looking at the site yesterday, and was like, "WTF??"
And she said she was just checking to see what kind of stuff I look at online.
I swear, someday I'm just going to rape that bitch.
...
now theres a quote for bash.org
Don't you fucking dare.

If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
i dont think so
Wanna go camping?

there was this one time I was wanking to porn...
... I kept a javascript tutorial open in another window so my parents didn't start wondering why I was always on the desktop with no windows showing
so I'm just about to splurge when I suddenly hear my dad coming up the stairs
alt-tabbed to the other window and tried to pull my boxers up... computer stalled JUST THEN as my dad was opening the door
I just stood up and was like "fuck... dad this honestly isn't what it looks like"
and he glanced at the screen and said "I sure hope so because it looks like you're masturbating to a fucking javascript tutorial"

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

"Male masturbation is a personal turn off for me. As a single woman, I'm especially looking for a man who doesn't masturbate, even while he's single."
GOOD LUCK, BITCH.

Man i was surfin porn and like "normal" surfin at the same time, so my mom comes in and i quick as hell tab down the porn. So now im looking at a SWAT vest and an Mp5 submachinegun trying to hide the giant penis in my pants. Then all of a sudden this realy gay male voice speaks out realy loud goin "i want to suck your big dick ans swallow your hot sperm" then like 100 popups open up all consisting of hardcore fetish gayporn.
man my mom started crying and now she thinks im gay... it owns

#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


#2

where are these quotes from (yeah, apparently from bash.org, but what’s the origin)? do people make them up or what?


#3

Hilarious.

Reminds me of a hilarious web site we have here in Athens, Georgia:


#4

[quote]Hrastnik wrote:
where are these quotes from (yeah, apparently from bash.org, but what’s the origin)? do people make them up or what?[/quote]

MSN, ICQ, AIM convos, or chat lines usually.

Who cares, I’ve been reading the site for a year or so now, there is some classic stuff on there.


#5

fuck me.
Why
i have no good reason

<Nazke|du> Your ass is russian, in other words its cold and only inviting to women with beards.

Heh.


#6

lol i love those.


#7

I don’t know why, but this one had me dying:

Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other. One door has a sign hanging over it saying “Those with prejudice walk through this door” The other door’s sign said “Those without prejudice walk through this door”. Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn’t openable because as the tour guide says “Everyone has prejudice”.

So, I start tugging on the door and say “What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?” and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes


#8

[quote]ukrainian wrote:
I don’t know why, but this one had me dying:

Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.

One door has a sign hanging over it saying “Those with prejudice walk through this door” The other door’s sign said “Those without prejudice walk through this door”. Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn’t openable because as the tour guide says “Everyone has prejudice”.

So, I start tugging on the door and say “What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?” and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

[/quote]

LOL!!!


#9

[quote]ukrainian wrote:
I don’t know why, but this one had me dying:

Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.

One door has a sign hanging over it saying “Those with prejudice walk through this door” The other door’s sign said “Those without prejudice walk through this door”. Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn’t openable because as the tour guide says “Everyone has prejudice”.

So, I start tugging on the door and say “What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?” and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

[/quote]

I dont get the stereotype here LOL


#10

[quote]ahzaz wrote:
ukrainian wrote:
I don’t know why, but this one had me dying:

Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.

One door has a sign hanging over it saying “Those with prejudice walk through this door” The other door’s sign said “Those without prejudice walk through this door”. Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn’t openable because as the tour guide says “Everyone has prejudice”.

So, I start tugging on the door and say “What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?” and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

I dont get the stereotype here LOL[/quote]

Neither do I, but it doesn’t stop it from being funny as hell!


#11

[quote]Rattler wrote:
ahzaz wrote:
ukrainian wrote:
I don’t know why, but this one had me dying:

Today my History class took a feild trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Its a museum showing kids not to be prejudice and all that good stuff.
Anyways, one exhibit is two doors next to each other.

One door has a sign hanging over it saying “Those with prejudice walk through this door” The other door’s sign said “Those without prejudice walk through this door”. Obviously the door for people without prejudice isn’t openable because as the tour guide says “Everyone has prejudice”.

So, I start tugging on the door and say “What the hell is wrong with this damn door, did some damn Jew make this?” and the tour guide kicked me out and i had to sit in the bus for 15 minutes

I dont get the stereotype here LOL

Neither do I, but it doesn’t stop it from being funny as hell![/quote]

There is no stereotype. It’s just some random prejudice used to make the situation ironic.


#12

I like how word puts my last name as mistake when I type it
even word processors know you were an accident


#13

There is a girl my wife hangs out with. She’s about 22, smoking hot, and so dumb her head could be used to pound nails and nothing of value would be lost.

Below are some of the things I’ve heard her say, but not direct quotes…

Considering a vacation in Hawaii, she wondered aloud if it would cost less if she drove.

She asked my wife once why the cum never comes back out of her ass when her boyfriend fucks her there. When my wife replied that her bowel probably absorbed it, she asked “Oh my god, can that make me fat?”.

She has also asked if swallowing sperm more than once a day could make her fat.

Told my wife once that she had no idea how her date led to sex… All she did was take a naked shower with the guy.

Freaked out because she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend, but couldn’t find her last contraceptive sponge. After my wife assisted in a two hour search the girl found it - in her vagina. Apparently she put it in and forgot.

Asking how many guys its OK to sleep with in a year before you’re a slut.

She was having car problems and asked me to look at it. When I checked the oil it looked like the ass crack sludge of Satan. I asked her when the last time was she had the oil changed. Her reply? “There’s oil?”.

There’s more, but I’ll have to think on it. I’ll ask the wife.


#14

[quote]MightyMaus wrote:
There is a girl my wife hangs out with. She’s about 22, smoking hot, and so dumb her head could be used to pound nails and nothing of value would be lost.

Below are some of the things I’ve heard her say, but not direct quotes…

Considering a vacation in Hawaii, she wondered aloud if it would cost less if she drove.

She asked my wife once why the cum never comes back out of her ass when her boyfriend fucks her there. When my wife replied that her bowel probably absorbed it, she asked “Oh my god, can that make me fat?”.

She has also asked if swallowing sperm more than once a day could make her fat.

Told my wife once that she had no idea how her date led to sex… All she did was take a naked shower with the guy.

Freaked out because she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend, but couldn’t find her last contraceptive sponge. After my wife assisted in a two hour search the girl found it - in her vagina. Apparently she put it in and forgot.

Asking how many guys its OK to sleep with in a year before you’re a slut.

She was having car problems and asked me to look at it. When I checked the oil it looked like the ass crack sludge of Satan. I asked her when the last time was she had the oil changed. Her reply? “There’s oil?”.

There’s more, but I’ll have to think on it. I’ll ask the wife.[/quote]

Got her adress?


#15

My hubby’s ex girlfriend, when she overheard people talking about Sting and The Police:

“Oh! I didn’t know Sting used to be a policeman!”


#16

I like this one:

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable


#17

[quote]B rocK wrote:
MightyMaus wrote:
There is a girl my wife hangs out with. She’s about 22, smoking hot, and so dumb her head could be used to pound nails and nothing of value would be lost.

Below are some of the things I’ve heard her say, but not direct quotes…

Considering a vacation in Hawaii, she wondered aloud if it would cost less if she drove.

She asked my wife once why the cum never comes back out of her ass when her boyfriend fucks her there. When my wife replied that her bowel probably absorbed it, she asked “Oh my god, can that make me fat?”.

She has also asked if swallowing sperm more than once a day could make her fat.

Told my wife once that she had no idea how her date led to sex… All she did was take a naked shower with the guy.

Freaked out because she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend, but couldn’t find her last contraceptive sponge. After my wife assisted in a two hour search the girl found it - in her vagina. Apparently she put it in and forgot.

Asking how many guys its OK to sleep with in a year before you’re a slut.

She was having car problems and asked me to look at it. When I checked the oil it looked like the ass crack sludge of Satan. I asked her when the last time was she had the oil changed. Her reply? “There’s oil?”.

There’s more, but I’ll have to think on it. I’ll ask the wife.

Got her adress?[/quote]

Trust me, you don’t want any of that. She’s like a pop tart after a night of drinking. At first you’re like “MMmmm tasty”, but then it dries out your mouth and it ends up a gummy ball. Then after you swallow it you spend 20 minutes trying to purge it.

She’s cute at first, because you assume it’s a sort of act. Then as time goes on you realize that she really is that dumb. And 99% of the dumb things she does aren’t funny at all.

Seriously, she’s never had a relationship last longer than 3 weeks. Guys get just close enough to go “Holy Shit!” and they run away screaming.


#18

[quote]MightyMaus wrote:

Trust me, you don’t want any of that. She’s like a pop tart after a night of drinking. At first you’re like “MMmmm tasty”, but then it dries out your mouth and it ends up a gummy ball. Then after you swallow it you spend 20 minutes trying to purge it.

She’s cute at first, because you assume it’s a sort of act. Then as time goes on you realize that she really is that dumb. And 99% of the dumb things she does aren’t funny at all.

Seriously, she’s never had a relationship last longer than 3 weeks. Guys get just close enough to go “Holy Shit!” and they run away screaming.
[/quote]

pics of said dumbness


#19

Here you go, dumbness on left. Halloween party a couple years ago.


#20

[quote]MightyMaus wrote:
Here you go, dumbness on left. Halloween party a couple years ago.[/quote]

I’d hit it