T Nation

Question for Fathers


my sister got engaged this weekend, good for her. Her and the guy havent been dating that long so im happy for them but a little skeptical about it. They say they are planning for the summer of 2012 so there is some time if they dont like eachother theyll figure it out because they just moved in together. he seems nice but ive only met him 2-3 times. i judge heavily though and dont have anything negative about him which is good, because i usually do.

So now the question, the guy did ask my mothers permission for my sisters hand and such which i respect, but we dont have a dad around and i want to take this guy to dinner and talk with him. not being a dick and ill kill you stuff but real stuff, whats his family life like, where does he see himself in 10 years, can he support a family of his own so on and so forth. I want to do this because as much as my sister and i fight i do love her and want her to be taken care of and have been looking after her since i was a kid. the only problem is that im younger than them by 4-5 years, im 21 shes 24 and hes somewhere around 24-25 i believe, does that create a problem? What have you fathers said at these things?

As stated im not gonna be a prick and try to act macho, i just want to learn about this guy. i mean shes having my mother and i walk her down the aisle so she kinda realizes it too.

I am pumped that she asked me to walk her down the aisle shes always said that would never happen but when she asked i was shocked and she gave me one of those lets be real you know i wouldnt have it any other way comments, which really means a lot to me. ive done a lot for her over the years and vice versa.

now how have you people paid for these things? they seem expensive as hell!!! i realize its not my problem but damn lol. i think his family wants to help and they want to pay also so it doesnt all fall on my mom but boy do i feel bad.

thanks all and merry christmas/ happy holidays


Follow him into the bathroom and bash his head into the wall.


thats plan B if he doesnt answer my questions right.


Not a father (obviously I hope) but I think it is so sweet that you want to take him out and get to know him better for your sister (and mother's) sake. When I got married (a million years ago) my little brother did pull my fiance aside and tell him I love you bro but if you ever lay a hand on my sister I WILL come and kick your ass. I always thought that was pretty cool.


You got it backwards brother. After you bash his head into the wall, grab him by his hair and turn his head sideways so you can whisper into his ear softly, "I haven't made love to man since prison. And, if you disrespect my sister, not only will you be given up your booty for a week of man love, I'll use the metal fixtures, instead of the tile, and I'll use the lip of the urinal to curb stomp your pansy ass. And, this goes for sleeping with my sister before you're married, I suggest you move out." Then you drop him a twenty so when he wakes up after a few hours of laying on the floor in his own blood and spit, while children pick his pockets and urinate on him, he can call a taxi and go home to his own home.


There is alot wrong with the above perspective you have.

First, you're coming across like you have some power of veto which I assure you that you do not. Next, you're assuming your opinion, if it is unfavorable, will influence your sister's decision to marry the guy, which I highly doubt given how these things go.

None of the above does not mean your heart is not in the right place and that you do not have a right to be concerned. It's perfectly natural to want to get to know the guy. And do you think that can occur over the course of a dinner? Do you think you have the appropriate social standing as her younger brother to interrogate him during said dinner? The answer to the first rhetorical question is no and the second is doubtful.

If you do not know him, unless you live far away, your sister and he are probably rushing into this engagement. However, they have two years to figure that out, and you have that much time to get to know him by his coming around and spending time with your sister and her family - which he should be doing.

No matter how much you feel like you're her protector and the defacto man of the house or father figure, you are not. Your heart is in the right place. Relax. Take a step back...and get to know the guy as you would get to know anyone else - over time, casually. Of course, along the way, if you're asked, you can make your opinions known. But if she has made the decision to get engaged without first seeking your opinion, I assure you that your opinion is not valued in this matter and even if you object, you will have no influence over her decision. That's the cold hard reality.

So chill out...take a step back, and take the time to get to know him and then form your opinion. He asked your mother, she apparently said yes. I'm taking it your mother knows him? Feels comfortable? How does she know him and you do not?


This man is wise.


I agree with BG. As an adult, if someone (especially younger) questions me on a value judgement or personal decision as if they deserve an answer, they will find out very quickly where they stand in the relationship.

For what it's worth, I asked my wife to marry me. Everyone else was told when the date was. I already had the only answer that counted, and there was no sense in engaging in old fashioned pleasantries with people who are not old fashioned or pleasant.


I agree with BG also.

I did ask She Say's dad for her hand, but he was old fashioned and pleasant.

OP, do you has a girlfriend? Maybe you and your girl could go out on a double date with your sister and her fee-ancy. That way you get to spend time with your sister and your soon-to-be-brother-in-law and see them interacting.


Leave your sister alone.


I gotta go with BG as well on this one. Look, I'm sure you're wise beyond your years for someone who's 21, but this guy's older than you. Sure, it's only a few years, but when I was 24-25, if ANY 21 y/o tried to surreptitiously interrogate me about my intentions with his sister, who he fights with a lot, I'd see right through it and automatically reject anything he said.

Think about it from an "Alpha Male" perspective. Do you really want your sister marrying someone who readily acquiesces to the inappropriate pryings of a person several years younger than himself? What you should do is take him out, ask him all the stuff you plan on asking him, and if he bashes your nose halfway around your face, collapses your trachea, calmly wipes your blood off his hands as he tells you that the day he takes life lessons and feels the need to okay getting married to the love of his life with her 21 y/o kid brother who doesn't even get along with her is the day you can call him a gelding houseboy.........well, I'd say you've found yourself a brother-in-law.

If he honestly feels the need to placate your worries, then you should tell him he's not self-confident enough to handle your sister and that maybe he should stick to Asian hookers who can't fight back very well.


Without knowing the exact details of how long they've been together and how they are together, the whole engagement sounds like bullshit to me. Especially with the "we're going to take a year to get to know each other first" load of crap. Since when do people get engaged before they get to know each other? What is this, the 1940s? India?

That aside, you'll get plenty of opportunities to get to know the guy over the next year, but ultimately you're going to have to trust your sister's judgment. You're never going to know him as well as she does.

As other's have said, your heart is in the right place, but if I were your sister's fiance I would tell you to go fuck yourself if you started grilling me about my 10 year plan and all of that nonsense. I would honestly laugh in my father-in-law's face if he asked me those questions too. I didn't ask his permission to marry his daughter because that would imply that his permission was required to do so. It wasn't.

Had he been old fashioned, he might have taken offense. Oh fucking well, welcome to reality. I just had a daughter 3 weeks ago, and I will not expect her fiance to aks me for her hand in marriage. As long as the guy respects me I'll respect him. The rest will be up to my daughter. Things like this are why you try to provide a positive male role model for your little girls, so they don't fall for bullshit from assholes that just want to fuck and run. Raise them to the best of your ability and hopefully they will make good decisions.

Since you are not your sister's father, you don't have to worry about any of this except the "you just have to trust her" part.


Yup...I was going to comment on that earlier, but was trying to be nice so people would like me and teh ladies would send me PMs...I was unable to hold up this ruse for long and did not receive any PMs.


I have been beaten to the punch here...

very sweet. BUT. I would be so fucking pissed if either one of my little brothers thought they had any say so in my personal relationships. SRSLY.

But DO get to know him for sure.


To counter what everyone is saying (and I generally agree that you have nothing to do with her relationship), I suppose if I were walking my daughter down the aisle, I would want to know the person I'm "giving" her to. Not that I get to pass judgment or say "don't do it" necessarily, but it's my opinion that when you walk someone down the aisle, you're telling everyone attending "I am supporting and approving of this union." I'd want to know the person I'm tacitly endorsing.

I wouldn't grill him or do the macho BS shit, but I'd certainly want to know someone who will become my brother before he becomes my brother.


so apparently my last post didnt go through. i had a long drawn out response thanking everyone for their responses. agreeing with bg that my opinion does not count and stating that maybe ill just go grab a beer with the guy, or play some video games and just generally shoot the shit as guys do and see how i like him.

also the whole waiting til 2012 is because he wants to finish his second degree before, not to see if they like eachother that was something i added in. also they want to help pay so theyre gonna do some saving.

not retyping last post. that is all. thanks.


That makes a lot more sense. Best of luck to them.


yeah after i saw the posts i re read what i wrote and it didnt come out right, thats kind of a joke ive been saying to people but i guess the joke was lost in the interwebz