Pregnant Girlfriend, Advice Needed

Off Topic
21

Congratulations! :slight_smile: Kids are great. (I have 2 surviving and they’re a lot of fun!) They’re a lot of work, but you reap the results of what you put into them.

Make sure you’re there for her through pregnancy. Jilly said it’s not always roses and sunshine for every woman. She’s right! Every pregnancy is different.

You don’t have to marry her (poor decision if you’re not in love with her) but you do have to be there. She will be primary care-giver of your child. You would do better to have a good relationship w/ her than a resentful one. Marrying someone you’re not in love with is a recipe for disaster.

Keep going to school, you have several months yet before the baby makes his or her appearance. Someone else suggested cramming in extra school. I second that.

I also STRONGLY recommend that you and the mother start researching health options for your baby. EVERYTHING should be questioned. Vaccines, circumcision (PM me for info on that), how to feed the baby, what to feed the baby (I’m a huge breastfeeding promoter), sleeping arrangements (we do part time co-sleeping but it doesn’t work for everyone), routines, carseats. yes, carseats are a big issue. You want the best “bang for your buck” so to speak and we can’t be having the little dumpling get hurt. There is GOBS of info out there. Don’t leave all the research and leg work to her. This is your baby, too. BE INVOLVED.

Stay faaaaar AWAY from the “What To Expect…” series of pregnancy and parenting books. They’re alarmist. Pick up Mothering Magazine, anything by Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha Sears is great, check out www.lalecheleague.org for breastfeeding information.

Make it a goal to be a good dad and a good co-parent to the baby’s mother.

22

[quote]StevenF wrote:
Well, to make a short story shorter, I had this girlfriend I broke up with who I got along with real well (afterwards). Well…we got along a little TOO well and now there’s a little T-man or T-vixen in the making. I am only 21, junior in college, part-time job, you guys know how it is. I try to be a T-man as much as possible but apparently I fell short this time, but I ain’t giving up.

I guess what I’m asking of you guys who are already parents for a little help here, because honestly I have no idea what to do. I know number 1 priority is finishing school, and 2 is saving money. But beyond that I am a little lost. Could you guys please help me out here, and keep your thoughts about how stupid I am to yourself, I already know this. Thanks. [/quote]

StevenF:

Do not quit or pospone school. I had three(3) children while in school. I am of average intelligence, my math sucked yet I finished with a B.S. in Engineering. (uh, my grades sucked too, but I still got into grad school) My children (all 4 by now) are enjoying full lives with all the amenities because of my percevierence. My wife stayed home with the babies through all this. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Do you know what love is? Find out if you love her or are you just buddies. This is the weak point in you proposal. Even if you love her marriage can be a rocky road. Good luck and I hope your baby is beautiful!

23

[quote]elevationgain wrote:

Yeah, you’re the right age to be a “cool dad” Mine had me when he was 36 and was a freaking lame-o…

Exciting times for you. Good luck.

[/quote]

Let’s see… 44 - 7 = 37. So, I was 37 when I had my kid. I’d like to think that I am a “cool dad”. At least I ‘think’ young.

:slight_smile:

|/ 3Toes

24

If you keep the child you should really finish school. SCHOOL WILL HELP THE CHILD FOR MANY YEARS TO COME. If you don’t go to school you won’t be getting as good of jobs as you would if you did and you will be feeling that for years. Spending time with your child as an infant is very important.

25

[quote]KombatAthlete wrote:
If you keep the child you should really finish school. SCHOOL WILL HELP THE CHILD FOR MANY YEARS TO COME. If you don’t go to school you won’t be getting as good of jobs as you would if you did and you will be feeling that for years. Spending time with your child as an infant is very important.[/quote]

Absolutely, spending time with your child is very important, as an infant, as a toddler, as a preschooler, and on through the years. You’re getting excellent advice here from everyone. All I’d like to add, is that you should try to budget and prioritize your time. I was in a bad place when my son was born, I hated my job, and I had real problems dealing with no sleep and all the crying and all.

I was too selfish to deal with it all, so I basically just shut up and ‘took’ it. I really tried hard, and I think I mostly succeeded to hide my feelings, and I eventually outgrew them. My son and I now have a really good relationship. My point is, that you need to divide your time between yourself and your child, and your GF.

( should you choose to stay with her )
If you stop althogether doing things for yourself, ( such as going to the gym, etc ) you’ll only find yourself miserable, and that will rub off on others.

|/ 3Toes

26

Mate, I was only 19 when my 17 year old girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I was working part time in a gym and did not have much money for myself let alone her and a child.

So I know to some degree how you feel.

I’m now 27 and my little girl is about to turn 7 and my boy is 5 (I’m now married to the mother of my two kids). Things can turn out for the best. But it does take alot of hard work and compromise.

Please try and finish college, a good job will do wonders for your self esteem not to mention better pay because kids aren’t cheap. If you stop college now you may regret it and possibly feel resentment towards your child or ex girlfriend because of it.

If you don’t want to be with the girl then staying with her for the child will be very stressful for you. But whatever happens with the relationship between you and the mother of your child, support her. Yes I mean financially as best you can, but more importantly emotionally.

Pregnancy is an emotional time and after the birth of a child post natal depression can rear its ugly head and cause all sorts of problems (and yes PND is a common illness suffered by women in varying degrees).

Your life will be forever changed but that is not a bad thing.

PM me if you want to ask any other questions I hope I can help.

27

[quote]hedo wrote:
I will give you some advice. Some of it might not be easy or what you want to hear.

Love your kid. What happened was never his or her fault. They didn’t ask for the situation so never ever make them pay for it.

Honor the mother. Never fight over kid issues in front of the kid. It will fuck them up. Sometimes this means being the better person and being quiet when you don’t want to be.

Be a parent and don’t make the kid choose. Being a dad is never about being buddies and playing the kid. Be the father, set the example and do the right thing. Friedndship comes when they are more of a peer. About age 30. My dads 76 and I am 42. I still value his good counsel and advice.

Try and be there full time those first few years. Maybe live together. It’s tough, especially those first few months. Nobody should have to handle that alone. I f you can suck it up and pitch in.

It’s your kid, not just a financial obligation. If you make money later on give some to the kid and start putting some away for them. If you can’t afford too then be there as a man.

It’s a tough job raising a kid and you have taken a particularly tough path. Do the right thing brother. You’ll know what that is when the time comes but it may not be what you want to do.

Good luck![/quote]

JillyBop wrote: "Since you care for the mother, try to be there for her during the pregnancy, too. I hope she has a good one, but for many women it is a really miserable experience and must feel even worse without a partner.

Hedo’s advice (and others) was good. Maybe you can cram in some extra schooling now before the baby comes? You sound like a good guy - sometimes the right thing isn’t the easy thing, but once you’re a parent it just isn’t all about you anymore. Good luck! "

The above is is the best advice I have seen. Remember it.

I have 5 kids. 4 biologic and one step. My step daughter is now 16 and she has always questioned where her bio-dad was and why he didnt want to see her. The day I married her mother she was 4 1/2 years old. She jumped up and down saying “Now I have a DAD like the rest of the kids!” Think about that. Think about how she felt and her self-worth before that day. How do you want your child to feel?

My wife began a 2 year college degree in Nuclear Medicine with a newborn and gaduated. There were times she only ate well on Sundays at the local church’s spegetti dinner which charged a donation. At times the church’s pantry is where she got food and diapers for her daughter. Things were tough. She did what she had to to get the degree and a job.

Many family members turned their back on her for not giving the kid up or getting an abortion. Her grand parents wouldnt talk to her and actually legally disowned her from their will until after she graduated and had a job.

She was ALONE through this pregnancy trying to get through school without any money. Think of the worry, fear, and anxiety she must have went through every day and every night. Think of the tears she cried.

I tell you her story so you dont let this happen to the mother of your child. Be there throughout the pregnancy and be there for her and the child after.

If you dont you will have to look at yourself each day and know you were a worthless punk.

28

I will be there, that’s how I roll. Thank you all for the advice, keep it coming if you can I am reading it all believe me.

29

as long as you get along with her, you might as well spend a lot of time with her, so she never turns sour on you. If that happens, it will really screw things up for you and possibly your kid.

She’ll be a daddy hater, and make your kid a daddy hater too, if she’s sour.

So keep the relationship up, and if i were you, I would pray for love. Pray to fall in love with her so that you can marry her and enjoy that, while providing the best for a kid.

A life as a kid with a Single parent, no matter how great they do, isn’t as good as a life with two parents - the consistency and duel parents helps a lot. There are so many differences between male and female. one sex cannot ever be as effective as both. I know there are some situations when the male, or the female is a terrible parent, and in that cause, obviously single parent is better - but assuming you have two decent people - the duo will always win.

You’ll be in my prayers! :slight_smile:

30

I just had to chime in because you’re pretty much in the same position I am and I’m reading all the advice people are chiming in with, it’s much needed. I know that I’ll be there for both of them, just not sure exactly how things will work out.

Right now I’m scrambling to get a good job and make a decent living before things start to happen. I got about 6 months or so.

Anyway, good luck bro, maybe we can exchange notes as time goes on.

31

[quote]Rockscar wrote:

College and job are the support for priority 1. Don’t worry about the bonding thing. People do work 8-10 hours a day and most of them have other people raise their kids (day care)while they are at work.[/quote]

I will assume you simply don’t have kids, because that’s one of the thicker things I’ve ever read.

Completely worry about bonding with the child. From birth on. Yeah, you’ve got to take care of business, you’ve got to take care of the mother to some extent and you’ve got to take care of the kid. Welcome to being a father. It’s not easy, but it really will make you a man.

Take the kid whenever you have the chance, whether you want to or not. Don’t let someone else raise YOUR kid if it’s at all feasable not to. Day care is a necessary evil in most people’s lives, but that doesn’t mean that you need to send the kid there every day of it’s life. If you have options, explore them. If you have a day off and the kid was scheduled to be in a day home or something else, sacrifice the day off to give the child a day with dad.

I don’t envy your position right now, but I will say that being a father is easily the most rewarding adventure I’ve ever been on.

  • Sean
32

[quote]SeanL wrote:
Rockscar wrote:

College and job are the support for priority 1. Don’t worry about the bonding thing. People do work 8-10 hours a day and most of them have other people raise their kids (day care)while they are at work.

I will assume you simply don’t have kids, because that’s one of the thicker things I’ve ever read.

Completely worry about bonding with the child. From birth on. Yeah, you’ve got to take care of business, you’ve got to take care of the mother to some extent and you’ve got to take care of the kid. Welcome to being a father. It’s not easy, but it really will make you a man.

Take the kid whenever you have the chance, whether you want to or not. Don’t let someone else raise YOUR kid if it’s at all feasable not to. Day care is a necessary evil in most people’s lives, but that doesn’t mean that you need to send the kid there every day of it’s life. If you have options, explore them. If you have a day off and the kid was scheduled to be in a day home or something else, sacrifice the day off to give the child a day with dad.

I don’t envy your position right now, but I will say that being a father is easily the most rewarding adventure I’ve ever been on.

  • Sean[/quote]

You misunderstood and/or I did not communicate this very well. All I’m saying is that his schooling time (away from babay) will be no different than if he had to work (away from baby) Some people make it sound like his life needs to stop. It does not need to stop, but realistically he can not be there ALL THE TIME. Therefore his job and school are in support of #1 priority baby.

Additionally some of the most financially stable people in the world spend the least time with their kids. Not saying this is good, but that he is not alone on the 24 hour bonding thing.

And I do have kids.

33

Kids are cool. Have 'em close together and early. Stay in school and suck it up. Your baby won’t notice that you have no money, your teenager will.

Also, babies are cheaper than teens. It won’t seem like it, but trust me, babies don’t want a new car and you don’t have to pay for them to go to college.

Stay in school, marry the girl, raise a happy kid that has both parents in the same house.

That’s my two bits.

RB

34

[quote]Nate Dogg wrote:
Do whatever the right thing is for you. No one said you have to stay with her or marry her. Depending on what she chooses, you may need to be involved as a father or just send the money and not be involved, or both.[/quote]

I wholeheartedly disagree with this. You lost the right to make decisions that only involve what is right for you when you and this woman got pregnant. The child comes first. Don?t go through life being self centered. The child will not grow up to be a good human being if you are not involved, or all you do is ?send money?.

[quote]Rockscar wrote:

College and job are the support for priority 1. Don’t worry about the bonding thing. People do work 8-10 hours a day and most of them have other people raise their kids (day care)while they are at work.[/quote]

I also disagree with this. Bonding occurs in different ways throughout the child?s life. If you are not there, you are not bonding or raising the child. Take a look at the children who are raised by other people. They are not as well adjusted as those children who are raised by their parents. I know that I personally do not want someone making $8/hour raising my child, no matter how great people say their day care center is. They don?t care as much as you do, and they cannot give the one on one attention that children need.

I don?t care if you have the best nanny in the world, other people do not care about your kids as much as you do. They never will. This is just an excuse for people who feel guilty about leaving their children with total strangers.

I do agree that you should make the effort to finish school, and prepare yourself to provide for the child. But I do think that you need to do this around the obligations of your new family.

35

[quote]Leth wrote:
I just had to chime in because you’re pretty much in the same position I am and I’m reading all the advice people are chiming in with, it’s much needed. I know that I’ll be there for both of them, just not sure exactly how things will work out.[/quote]

My suggestion is to make a decision as to how you would like things to work out, and make the effort to make that a reality. These women that you are having babies with would probably appreciate a sincere effort to be with them through this.

36

The advice about being there for the mom and the child is spot on. Both the mother and father figure play huge roles in the psychology of children and to not have one of them has PROFOUND impact on them later in life. Not to mention its just the right thing to do… You remember that responsibility stuff, right?

All in all it sounds like you have your head screwed on straight. Finishing school is a good idea, getting a job is an even better idea, being with the child CONSISTANTLY is the best thing you could possibly do for the child. Period.

37

[quote]rubberbubba wrote:
Kids are cool. Have 'em close together and early.
RB
[/quote]

I have to disagree. LOL! I have 2 kids that are 18 mos apart. In the first 2 years it was VERY difficult for me AND my husband. Stick with 1 right now. Get on your feet financially - more will happen later. :slight_smile:

Bottom line, man, be involved as much as you can.

38

Well, I am going to try and get as much of my school out of the way as possible before all this hits. I have maybe about 2 years left, only a couple general ed classes and I already started on my major courses but those might take a bit of time. But I might have a decent job lined up, not the best money but its more money than I am making now, plus insurance, etc. I don’t know what I plan to do in regards to staying w/ her or not, I really don’t know what to do about that. She said she is allright with me just being a dad and helping out as much as possible but that I don’t HAVE to be with her, even though I know she wants me to be. She just wants the kid to have a dad because she grew up without one and it sucked. I will give that my best effort.

Now, there is an issue that is bothering me. Her mom and step-dad are not married, and her mom is trying to do the real-estate thing and doesn’t have health insurance. So she does not have health insurance, this really bugs me. I looked up some things but am a bit lost when it comes to things like this, could some of you point me in the right direction here? If what I understood what I read briefly about Medicaid, her mom probably makes or made less than $30k this last year so I think she could qualify for coverage under that. Could someone that knows a little more about this help me out here? Thanks so much.

39

[quote]StevenF wrote:
Well, I am going to try and get as much of my school out of the way as possible before all this hits. I have maybe about 2 years left, only a couple general ed classes and I already started on my major courses but those might take a bit of time. But I might have a decent job lined up, not the best money but its more money than I am making now, plus insurance, etc. I don’t know what I plan to do in regards to staying w/ her or not, I really don’t know what to do about that. She said she is allright with me just being a dad and helping out as much as possible but that I don’t HAVE to be with her, even though I know she wants me to be. She just wants the kid to have a dad because she grew up without one and it sucked. I will give that my best effort.

Now, there is an issue that is bothering me. Her mom and step-dad are not married, and her mom is trying to do the real-estate thing and doesn’t have health insurance. So she does not have health insurance, this really bugs me. I looked up some things but am a bit lost when it comes to things like this, could some of you point me in the right direction here? If what I understood what I read briefly about Medicaid, her mom probably makes or made less than $30k this last year so I think she could qualify for coverage under that. Could someone that knows a little more about this help me out here? Thanks so much. [/quote]

I would strongly suggest to the mother/step-dad that they get married, if they won’t - then if you get that job with insurance - you should marry her. - Still praying for you.

It will help out a lot - medicade probably won’t be as good as what you or her parents can get for her. (btw she has to be in college to get the benefit of her parents insurance)

I think the step-dad could legally addopt her if she is still in college (enrolled) and under 23.

40

[quote]Jagrazor wrote:
StevenF wrote:
Well, I am going to try and get as much of my school out of the way as possible before all this hits. I have maybe about 2 years left, only a couple general ed classes and I already started on my major courses but those might take a bit of time. But I might have a decent job lined up, not the best money but its more money than I am making now, plus insurance, etc. I don’t know what I plan to do in regards to staying w/ her or not, I really don’t know what to do about that. She said she is allright with me just being a dad and helping out as much as possible but that I don’t HAVE to be with her, even though I know she wants me to be. She just wants the kid to have a dad because she grew up without one and it sucked. I will give that my best effort.

Now, there is an issue that is bothering me. Her mom and step-dad are not married, and her mom is trying to do the real-estate thing and doesn’t have health insurance. So she does not have health insurance, this really bugs me. I looked up some things but am a bit lost when it comes to things like this, could some of you point me in the right direction here? If what I understood what I read briefly about Medicaid, her mom probably makes or made less than $30k this last year so I think she could qualify for coverage under that. Could someone that knows a little more about this help me out here? Thanks so much.

I would strongly suggest to the mother/step-dad that they get married, if they won’t - then if you get that job with insurance - you should marry her. - Still praying for you.

It will help out a lot - medicade probably won’t be as good as what you or her parents can get for her. (btw she has to be in college to get the benefit of her parents insurance)

I think the step-dad could legally addopt her if she is still in college (enrolled) and under 23.[/quote]

if she is pregnant and over the age of 18, she does not have to count in her parents income even if she is living with them. every states medicaid program is different though. check out your states website and search for medicaid information. that should give you income guidelines and rules. PM me with any questions.