T Nation

Pregnant Girlfriend, Advice Needed


#1

Well, to make a short story shorter, I had this girlfriend I broke up with who I got along with real well (afterwards). Well....we got along a little TOO well and now there's a little T-man or T-vixen in the making. I am only 21, junior in college, part-time job, you guys know how it is. I try to be a T-man as much as possible but apparently I fell short this time, but I ain't giving up.

I guess what I'm asking of you guys who are already parents for a little help here, because honestly I have no idea what to do. I know number 1 priority is finishing school, and 2 is saving money. But beyond that I am a little lost. Could you guys please help me out here, and keep your thoughts about how stupid I am to yourself, I already know this. Thanks.


#2

Are you sure it's yours?


#3

Have you considered adoption?


#4

Not stupid at all...hey man, shit happens in this game called Life...But you seem right on the money so far. School has to be number one, finish it to get a good job to help pay for the kid costs. I vowed to myself my kids will be in college and will be in private school...if that means we do without some of life's other "extras" so be it. Their education is what I'm about now. I have a 4 year old and a 16 month old. The only advice that I think is the biggest help, but over looked the most also...is CONSISTENCEY...Have a schedule and stick to it. Schedule for bed time, naps, and meals mainly. It makes life so much easier. We had my son sleeping through the night at 2 months and he has ever since. Consistency also lets you know when he/she's hungry, wet, tired...all of that...Of course they'll throw you curve balls, but for the most part as long as you have a schedule and stick to it, the stress level will be so much lower.


#5

Yes Nate, its 100% mine, the girl is in love with me. I can't say I love her, but I do get along real well with her.

Yes, I have mentioned adoption and abortion to her, both of which I'd consider, but its up to her not me. She wants to keep it so I have no problem with that.

Thanks lostinthought, not quite sure how to apply that just yet but the time will come I suppose.


#6

It's not stupid at all. All I can say is that if you plan to keep it, you better be there. You don't have to marry the broad. But be there for the kid. That's what a T-Man would do I think.

I disagree. You're first priority isn't school anymore, it is taken care of the child. You can finish school slowly, at night, etc. You have one chance with the child. That's gotta be number 1 for you. It was for my old man when I was born when he was 23 and my mother was 20. Unfortunately, he never finished school because there were people to feed. But such is life. Good luck man.


#7

Only a fool would do this. I could not imagine giving away my own flesh for someone else, rich or poor.

21 is young. Finish school. Be a good father and be there for the Mother as well. I've never had to do this out of wedlock and out of financial stability, but hopefully the parents will help you after they get over your stupidity in their mind.


#8

Yeah, you're the right age to be a "cool dad" Mine had me when he was 36 and was a freaking lame-o...

Exciting times for you. Good luck.


#9

Why did u elect to keep the kid? Alot of people in this country have fought to keep the prochoice option open for people like you.


#10

Well, in that case, don't stick around just because of the kid. If you love her, stay with her. Otherwise, you can be a friend to her while she goes through the pregnancy or even end the relationship and duck and hide.

In the meantime, keep doing your thing (school, work, etc.). But expect her to come knocking on your door in nine months. You'll have some choices to make then, and you'll have to ponder what you want to do (it doesn't matter what I or anyone else would do). And I'm sure you know the options at that point.

That's all you can do. It's her body, and she can do what she chooses. All you can do is give your input and recommendations.

Do whatever the right thing is for you. No one said you have to stay with her or marry her. Depending on what she chooses, you may need to be involved as a father or just send the money and not be involved, or both.


#11

There's a big difference between being pro-choice and actually having an abortion. I am pro-choice to a fault, but I don't think I could get my girl to have an abortion myself, or want her to. So don't turn this political. let the guy get advice.


#12

Don't take this the wrong way but priority number 1 is no longer school. Maybe before the pregnancy but not now. I think you know what is number 1. This may not be the way you envisioned your life, but as a father of two, I can tell you there's nothing more fulfilling. I'm not here to preach about abortion or anything, but I hope you make the right decision for the baby.


#13

Man up, take responsibility if nothing else. I would say finish school, as I have seen how the other half (uneducated) live, as I am in it now. Having money is way better with children, paycheck to paycheck with kids sucks worse, mentally, than I care to admit. Also, even if you "don't care" what she does, support her in her decision to keep/adopt/abort/sell (lol:) the baby. I can tell you being a Dad is the best thing ever! Best of luck with your decision bro, your life is forever changed.

Jason


#14

Dude, that's extremely tough. Happened to me, but I was a senior in college. Try to lean on your parents/friends/relatives for support. They will be your biggest help if you decide to keep the child and put together a family. Good Luck Man. The best thing is to be a good father regardless of the situation!!!!


#15

Seconding Nate here. Glad you KNOW for sure (fo sho) it's yours. That takes care of Issue #1.

Issue #2 - Get your legal rights and obligations in writing. Whether or not you decide to marry this girl (stupid-ass idea, but many do it) or stay in a relationship with her (another stupid-ass idea since you say you're not in love etc) or just keep the friend/supportive thing going (best bet IMO) - YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR RIGHTS/LIABILITIES DEFINED. Otherwise you very well could get suckered into paying for a kid you never get to see or any number of less-than-desireable outcomes.

Issue #3 - Gotta disagree with the whole "Live only for your kid = Kid is #1 now" thing. No one can be as good a parent as they possibly can if they are not good to themselves first. Until your kid can significantly bond with you (I'd put that at around 3yo), it doesn't really matter if you are there or not on a full-time basis, provided the kid has reasonable loving care. During that time you can work full-time, go to school full-time and build a financial foundation for the kid so that once he's cognitively able to know you, you can afford to be there more. Of course, you do need to spend time with him and all but there's no need to be with him 24/7 as if you were hatching an egg.

Issue #4 - Whether or not you finish school doesn't have to bear on your ability to provide for your kid. I'm a HS drop out that got knocked up at 21yo and never finished college. I got married to (and subsequently divorced from) the father and not only have I supported myself and my kid - I've supported us on a better level than my ex could provide (despite his schooling) and better than my parents provided for me (despite 3 BAs and a Masters between them). I make more than they do, have a better retirement and a better current lifestyle.... And I'm doing it by making sure my reasonable needs are met so that I can be the best "me" for my boy.


#16

With all due respect, the first 2 years of a childs life are the most crucial for forming bonds with others. Especially the first 12 months. Look it up. To tell someone it doesn't matter if they're there or not for the childs fist few years is just plain wrong. Spending time with a child costs nothing. Not spending time with he/she robs the child. A child who had no voice in the decision to have it.


#17

I will give you some advice. Some of it might not be easy or what you want to hear.

Love your kid. What happened was never his or her fault. They didn't ask for the situation so never ever make them pay for it.

Honor the mother. Never fight over kid issues in front of the kid. It will fuck them up. Sometimes this means being the better person and being quiet when you don't want to be.

Be a parent and don't make the kid choose. Being a dad is never about being buddies and playing the kid. Be the father, set the example and do the right thing. Friedndship comes when they are more of a peer. About age 30. My dads 76 and I am 42. I still value his good counsel and advice.

Try and be there full time those first few years. Maybe live together. It's tough, especially those first few months. Nobody should have to handle that alone. I f you can suck it up and pitch in.

It's your kid, not just a financial obligation. If you make money later on give some to the kid and start putting some away for them. If you can't afford too then be there as a man.

It's a tough job raising a kid and you have taken a particularly tough path. Do the right thing brother. You'll know what that is when the time comes but it may not be what you want to do.

Good luck!


#18

Well, I plan to be there for him/her. That's how I roll. Thank you all for the replies but keep them coming, I need all the information I can get.


#19

Since you care for the mother, try to be there for her during the pregnancy, too. I hope she has a good one, but for many women it is a really miserable experience and must feel even worse without a partner.

Hedo's advice (and others) was good. Maybe you can cram in some extra schooling now before the baby comes? You sound like a good guy - sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing, but once you're a parent it just isn't all about you anymore. Good luck!


#20

Don't drop out of school. This should be a priority. The child and school must stay at the top of the list. Don't stop school alltogether. He is right that the children are priority 1. But in order to take care of priority 1 you need to finish college and get the job.

College and job are the support for priority 1. Don't worry about the bonding thing. People do work 8-10 hours a day and most of them have other people raise their kids (day care)while they are at work.