A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar
on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you …
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe…”
What’s the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!