T Nation

Politically Incorrect Jokes

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

WOMAN’S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who wants to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “how big is my behind?”

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.


MAN’S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar
on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

JOKES

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you …

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe…”

What’s the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs/lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

Ha ha, GOLD!

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Whats the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid’s face until around 13 or 14 years of age.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.

Why are women and condoms so similar?
Because they’re either on your dick or in your wallet.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don’t get mistaken for feminists

Hahahahha, those are awesome. I love the first one.

My friend told me this the other day:

Why do all black men have nightmares?

Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Hahahahha, those are awesome. I love the first one.

My friend told me this the other day:

Why do all black men have nightmares?

Because the last one who had a dream got shot.[/quote]

oohhh you are so going to burn for that one.

Did you hear the one about the hippy who ran out of drugs?

He suddenly looked around and said, “Man, this music SUCKS!”

Heres another fucked up one:

Who does christopher reeves want to be?

Christopher walken.

I’m sorry, God.

[quote]rrjc5488 wrote:
Heres another fucked up one:

Who does christopher reeves want to be?

Christopher walken.

I’m sorry, God.[/quote]

I can smell the hell fires burning now.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture and put a plunger in the toilet.

Why was Helen Keller’s leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special olympics?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

Why do people sing “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” when they’re already there?

Why do people say “tuna fish?” They don’t say “beef mammal” or “chicken bird!”

So what’s the speed of dark?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”
Me, of course !!!

Oh, onto the hellen keller jokes? Thats just wrong.

Why did Hellen Kellers dog kill itself?

If your name was guuaannnhhgghhh, you’d kill yourself, too.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe…”

[/quote]

If you aren’t eating anything that can be kept in a zoo then you are definitely missing out.

Let me know if you want any of the recipes and I will PM them to you.

I hear koala is good this time of year…

Q. Why do women wear jockstraps whilst skydiving?
A. So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Q. What do Elephants use as tampons?
A. Sheep

Q. Why do elephants have long noses?
A. Sheep don’t have strings

Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

Q. How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why do dogs lick their own testicles?
A. Because they can

[quote]Helga wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe…”

If you aren’t eating anything that can be kept in a zoo then you are definitely missing out.

Let me know if you want any of the recipes and I will PM them to you.[/quote]

I heard an old joke about Australian men.

“Australian men are so tough they get a woman pregnant just to kill a rabbit”

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

She screamed her hands off.

What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?

corduroy

Why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s a woman! no seriously why can’t Helen Keller drive? Because she’s dead!

Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.

How does an Ethiopian woman know she’s pregnant?

Her tampon is half eaten.

Gross…

What’s the best part about having sex with an 11 year old girl?

Flipping her over and pretending she is an 11 year old boy.

More Gross…

What’s the best part about having sex with a 24 year old?

There are 20 of them

So Adam and Eve are walking along in the garden of eden. All of the sudden, Adam notices that Eve is bleeding down her legs. They both freak out, since they have no idea what is going on.

They wipe the blood off with banana leaves but it still comes, so they run down to the ocean and try to wash it off, but still do good.

Finally Eve says, “Adam, go get God! He’ll know what to do!”

So Adam runs off yelling “God! God! God!”

God hears Adam and comes down on cloud and asks “What’s wrong, my child?”

Adam says “God, Eve is bleeding and we can’t stop it!”

God replies, “Oh, that. Don’t worry about it, it’s perfectly natural, I designed it that way.”

Adam goes “Oh. Ok, so there’s nothing I should do?”

God replies “Nope. Well, just don’t let her go into the ocean.”

Adam (nervously) asks, “Uhh . .why is that, God?”

God responds, “Because we’ll never get the smell outta the fish.”