Really just pure awesomeness.
1: Sheâ??s only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot.
2: Maybe 4.
1: Hey fat fuck, I already know what your resolution is.
1: Can we please stop calling them â??hipstersâ?? and go back to calling them â??pussies?â??
1: Grouponâ?¦ Food stamps for the middle class.
1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.
1: If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lyingâ?¦ because if youâ??re good at lying, youâ??re good at everything.
1: Blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history.
1: My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.
1: Walking around the protesters outside makes me feel like how a black guy must feel in the gym shower.
1: Age is just a number. The more important number is how hot she is out of 10.
1: Hermes ties are like Jordans for white people.
1: I donâ??t care how into the environment she says she is. No chick wants to be picked up in a Chevy Volt.
1: Youâ??re going to Hell in just about any religion.
2: First class, babyâ?¦
1: Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.
1: Sober girls are the worst. So are really drunk onesâ?¦ The sweet spot is 4 white wines and a Zanny.
1: I heard the Euro was spotted at Disney World wearing a Make-A-Wish t-shirt.
1: Bareback is the new 3rd base.
1: I never give money to homeless people. I canâ??t reward failure in good conscience.
1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire â??wasabi rollâ??. What we called team building, you faggots call bullying.
1: Handshakes and tie knots. I donâ??t have time for someone that canâ??t master those basic skills.
1: Two weeks of family time. Iâ??m ready for a FBT to let some bad out.
1: Fake Business Trip.
1: When it doesnâ??t matter how much the drinks cost, itâ??s always happy hour.
1: Money might not buy happiness, but Iâ??ll take my fucking chances.
1: Obamaâ??s gone golfing 90 times in less than 3 years as president. Thatâ??s about three months of golf.
1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.
1: By now, protesters just look like pigeons to me.
1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement.
2: Fuck. That wouldnâ??t cover a ski weekend.
1: Anyone that puts CFA and MBA on their business card is a cunt.
1: Donâ??t bitch about your apartment. If you want a gated house on a golf course, go be some dogshit CFO in Cleveland.
1: I asked him what his life goal is, and he said â??to make the obituary in The Economist.â??
2: Great answer. Hired.
1: From my experience, most people really should have lower self-esteem.
1: My charity work begins & ends with black tie galas. And if drunk me is the highest bidder on a signed Springsteen guitar, so be it.
1: Letâ??s get one thing straight. Mark Zuckerberg is a fucking loser.
1: Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.
1: The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone.
2: Our maid does that.
1: Getting laid off from Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. Youâ??ll probably still make millions, but itâ??s just not the same.