Just a ramble, some personal notes, introspection, and typing in front of me for some visual clarity.
So I’ve probably spent the last year with 90% of my posts being in the off topics section. I went through a bit, was refinding myself, and trying to make sense of a lot. And I really appreciate the advice of some of the people on here. Smart meathead advice is advice I can trust (seriously, you guys have been amazing)
Well, it all kind of hit me about 2 weeks ago. And took me a week to make sense of it.
I’ve always thought anxiety and depression were just people with bad coping mechanisms. Well, I’m definitely not depressed, quite the opposite actually… but holy fuck is anxiety a motherfucker.
It’s this oppressive weight on my chest. I feel like my skin is buzzing. The slightest hint of confrontation (even just being confronted over some arbitrary thing I didnt do around the house) sends me into a fucking spiral. I’m constantly alert to the worst possible scenario at work and home. And if I see anything that I mistake as a sign of that worst scenario, I’m spiraling for hours, even if it’s been resolved for hours. And every-fucking-thing compounds and multiplies it.
I’m self aware enough to recognize it and not act on it in a negative manner, but I cant help the sinking feeling and I’m sure its abundantly apparent to those around me when it’s happening. And recognizing that gives me more anxiety.
It’s the most aggressively ludicrous mental reaction that I’m fully aware of but cant stop.
In good news… I’ve recently ordered some CBD tincture, and after 3 days it is significantly better. The dosage seems to be random. Sometimes 500ml is enough, last night took 1500ml before I felt calm, tonight is 500ml again. But so far it’s been amazing.
I’ve always been incredibly independent, and very good at brushing everything off, but I’ve finally hit my breaking point it seems.
I’ve never regretted anything in my life until this, all the negative thoughts I had for people with these issues. I’ve never really verbalized it, but I’m very aware how I felt about it. It’s a fucking doozy. Thank fuck for a good girlfriend, the gym, and CBD. Apparently I’ve been busting at the seams for a long time.