T Nation

Old People Suck

List of why old people suck:

  1. Their houses smell like mothballs and feet.

  2. Whenever they sit down they let out a “ungh…mmrph!” sound as if the act of sitting just disrupted some vital organs and just produced enough gas to light a stove for a month.

  3. They start every sentence with, “I remember when…”…and then fall asleep right afterwards.

  4. They started this forum.

There seemed to be some problem with getting threads started so hopefully this helps.

Oh well, might as well have some fun with this!

They walk far too slow and block city centres.

Old people porn is just the worst. I shan’t go into detail…

Every time a grandparent visits, he/she comments on how much you’ve grown.

They ALWAYS want to read what your t-shirt says and then question you about it.

They pretend to be all doddery and frail, but they’re just attention seeking, and when they pinch, it HURTS.

They tell the same story over and over again about tales from world war two.

They complain it’s witchcraft when you show them technology past the sixties.

They always have to get as close as possible to speak to you, and their breath smell.

They raise their voices as though YOU have a hearing problem.

They still think it’s the 20s and you’re someone named “Georgey”.

Everything you say is funny to them but not in the way you intended.

If they don’t understand what you say, they just ignore you.

They fake illnesses to get you to like them. Then they die.

They ask you how college is going every time they see you even though they know you’re just lying. It’s their way of breaking you down mentally.

They tell you every single little detail about their day. EVERYTHING.

If you’re on a bus, they expect you to get up and move so they can sit down. If you don’t, they get angry at you and tell the bus driver who is also old, and he throws you off.

They just won?t die.

They over-chew food so it’s loud and irritating.

They dress up their pets to look exactly like they do.

They collect really boring things such as stamps and insist you sit through them explaining them all in detail. They start again if you interrupt.

Every girlfriend you have is regarded as ‘dishy’, and every boyfriend a ‘little punk’.

They watch really boring television programmes then tell you all about them when they come and visit you. (At first, you didn’t even realize these people were TV characters and it confused you for awhile.)

They try to talk to you if you’re standing in a long queue as though they know you.

Procreation is disgusting, improper, and only for marriage in their eyes.

You only get married to have kids in their sick and twisted baby-making world. If you don’t want kids, they think something is horribly wrong with you and proceed to try to talk you into it.

They walk into other old peoples houses and say that they’re their friends when they’re not.

They walk into your house and say that you’re their friend when you’re not.

They only carry canes and sticks to strike you with.

Every item of clothing they own is green, brown, or a really crap colour.

All the music you listen to is loud and annoying to them.

When you’re doing homework they speak louder than normal to other people around you to put you off.

When talking to other people about you, they always dig up something from when you were really young to embarrass you.

Life drawing art classes are of drawing old, fat and naked women who shout at you in a really posh voice about how you?re supposed to hold your arm out to measure stuff and her breasts wobble grotesquely.

They sing along to really old theme tunes from dated films and hymns etc in public to make themselves look cool and as though they know a lot.

They inhabit villages and swarm like zombies during the day time, then go to bed at 18:00.

They drive around really slowly just to piss you off then say it?s a ?tradition? of relaxing on a Sunday afternoon.

They start pretty much every sentence with ?Back in my day??

They pull at your face with their bony fingers of death.

One old person seems to know every other old person? as though it?s some kind of alliance.

They ramble on about random crap and you have to nod and say yes every so often to keep them happy.

They insist on hugging and kissing you. Even if you they don’t know you.

They complain that everyone?s not doing their job properly.

They visit on a weekly basis and demand dinner as though it is what?s expected from you.

They drop you on your head when you?re a child, then laugh as though it was an accident.

Since they’ve been wearing the same perfume/cologne for the last 100+ years, they no longer can smell it. So they decide to marinate themselves in it for days before going out, causing people to choke on the cloud of perfume/cologne they leave wherever they go.

They go buy up 20+ burgers from a fast food joint and keep them in the freezer to be reheated and eaten later.

They give things like ‘raisin pie’ to you to eat and it’s just rancid. Somehow it’s what they ‘used to live on as a kid’.

Tons of old records sit in their basements, and you’re forced to hear the same one over and over through some crappy record player they have. Sometimes you even have to dance with them and help mop up their tears over ‘days gone by’.

You don’t know what a crooner is, and each time they tell you, you still don’t know. So that you don’t have to hear some Rudy Valee guy anymore, you just smile and nod the next time you’re asked.

How do you forget to put your teeth in? Doesn’t it feel weird without them?

They clog restaurants in the mornings, and are never happy at the way the eggs are done.

Somehow it’s not ok to just walk on their sidewalks without them coming out and shaking their fist at you, calling you a ‘damned punk kid’.

The way they make that slurping sound when sipping incredibly hot tea/coffee.

That rasping/sucking noise they make without realizing it as they suck on their dentures in their mouths.

Rogue hairs protruding from their noses/ears/face that keep getting longer and longer until you’re scared to even look at it for fear it will sense you and kill you by wrapping itself around your throat.

They still think a nickel should buy you something ‘nice’.

There always seems to be a half used tissue on their body that appears magically in their hands every time you so much as sniffle. (Avoid these tissues at all costs, they still carry the black plague.)

Because they grew up differently than kids today, they like to bitch about how horrible everything is and how it’s all gone downhill. Sure, it’s gone downhill, but because of old people like you who won’t allow for change!

When you’re trying to get out and do something, one of them corners you and decides to tell you their life story. You’d love to shove them away and run, knowing they wouldn’t remember, but your mom is watching and you have to feign giving a shit for the longest 15 minutes of your life.

Sometimes when you’ve just done something terribly stupid with your life, they remind you that they had warned you about this happening earlier and sit there with a smug smile on their face as you realize that they were right.

I officialy qualified for this forum last month.

I couldn’t even blow out the candles. Had to puff them out with my inhaler.

That ruined the cake, but I don’t care. It was a psillium cake with ex-lax icing.

My hip hurts. Where’s my ice cream?
When I was a kid…

Yeah, yeah, yeah you whippersnappers!

I remember when, back in the day, I used to walk 5 miles to school, barefoot, in the snow, uphill, both ways!!

And you think you have it rough. HA!

Thanks for bringing back the forum.

Power to the (old) people!!

Actually, we use mothballs to cover up the smell of the weed cloud.

Or, at 61, they compete in their first bodybuilding competition.

Then, in the next three years, they compete in 19 more contests, win 38 trophies in their Age class and in the Open classes against the young kids, win a World Championship (in their age class), win three Best Poser awards against the young kids on stage, win three Master Pro Cards, compete in their first Pro show at 64, judge shows in three different federations, earn two Personal Trainer Certifications, run an Internet-based Distance Training Business and Promote the FAME WNSO U.S. Masters Nationals next November in Miami.

Age is a statistic, not a burden. And remember, my son, you will become “old” soon enough. What you do with your “age” will determine how you grow old. At 64, I’m still kicking butt.

I am training for my next show a week from now, where I will compete in the Open Men’s Lightweight Class and the Masters 60+ Class. It’s a Pro Qualifier and I am going to try to win both the Open Lightweight Class and the Masters. Care to step onto the stage with this OLD MAN?

[quote]Old Navy wrote:
Wanna come play with me?[/quote]

Some old people are creepy…

:wink: jk

[quote]shadyniner wrote:
Old Navy wrote:
Wanna come play with me?

Some old people are creepy…

:wink: jk

[/quote]

Now that’s funny. LOL LMFAO

Where did you find my picture? Damn.

[quote]Professor X wrote:
List of why old people suck:

  1. Their houses smell like mothballs and feet.

  2. Whenever they sit down they let out a “ungh…mmrph!” sound as if the act of sitting just disrupted some vital organs and just produced enough gas to light a stove for a month.

  3. They start every sentence with, “I remember when…”…and then fall asleep right afterwards.

  4. They started this forum.

There seemed to be some problem with getting threads started so hopefully this helps.

[/quote]Hey Prof, we have to suck, we ain’t got no teeth.

A cartooon called family guy. Very vulgar, but very funny.

P.S. Although what the Prof says about “old people” may be true, think about all of the advantages. I can’t think of any right now, cause I am eating my prunes to stay regular. But, there are advantages, I know!

  1. They ask you if you want a jacket because it’s cold every 30 seconds (even though you’re in Florida)

  2. They want to bring you around to their social groups to show you off and tell them you’re their grandchildren

  3. They allow you to buy anything you want at a restaurant . . . as long as its on the early bird special menu

  4. They don’t understand that “no” means “no”

  5. They walk upstairs and then forget why they went there in the first place

  6. They all like to mimic the behavior of Grandpa Simpson

Seriously though, I’m only 20 but this forum has some great stuff to learn from and especially for training the older crowd.

[quote]Professor X wrote:

  1. Whenever they sit down they let out a “ungh…mmrph!” sound as if the act of sitting just disrupted some vital organs and just produced enough gas to light a stove for a month.

[/quote]

Oh my god, I almost coughed up a lung reading that one!

Old people are too slow and a danger on the road. Just last month and old couple swerved out in front of me from the left lane without using their blinkers or even signaling in any way, I had to turn hard into the sidewalk and I almost hit a lightpole to avoid hitting them.

I was furious, I wanted to scream my head off at them. I pulled up next to them at the next light, ready to give them an earful, but they looked so old, and bewildered, and confused, I just said screw it and let it slide.

This isn’t the only time I have almost wrecked my car because of old people on the road, they are a hazard. The state needs to start revoking licenses or something. Here in MI. all you have to do is mail in your drivers license renewal, you don’t even have to prove that you can drive safely.

So some 90 year old, half blind, senile, old man can get his license renewed without a trip to the secretary of state.

And they walk so damn slow, I hate going grocery shopping, I like to be in and out, but every time I go there is some old woman walking her cart down the middle of the aisle, all snail slow. And then she stops to stare at a can of peas for like 30 minutes! Then I am the jerk for moving her cart out of the way so I can go around!

Old people piss me off, I know I will be one someday, but never like that.

dont forget that eventually you all will suck also !!

[quote]marlboroman wrote:
dont forget that eventually you all will suck also !![/quote]

Only if you are fortunate enough to survive your youth.

Professor X

I have to say, Prof…I really laughed a lot at your Old People descriptions. Even as an “Old” person, I think you are on target. Most of us do stink! LOL And, we have a hard time living and coping in the 21st Century with all of the technology.

The up side for us and for you, is that the technology and advances in medicine are causes of increased longevity. My father, who died at 72 and my grandfather, who died at 65, both due to diabetes, couldn’t do what I do now at my age. I have some of their symptoms of the disease, but due to my exercise regimen and diet, I don’t have diabetes.

Yesterday’s 70 year old is today’s 60 year old. And, 1/2 of the US population is over 50. We are all getting long of tooth.

Feels good to be back. Like slapping on a second coat of bengay.

Ha, ha. I use Prep H to harden the skin around my abs…no where else. LOL

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

Personally, the reason I don’t like old people (sorry all of you out there to whom this applies) can be traced back to one incident.

When I was 9 years old I was visiting my grand parents. My grandmother, a pastor, had to visit a few people in the hospital, and I was drug along. Things went on without a hitch for a while, but then my grandmother needed to speak to a certain doctor, who just happened to be in the alzheimers wing at that time. So, we went to see her.

While my grandmother was speaking with the doctor I foolishly wandered away, as any bored 9 year old would do after listening to the elderly speak for the better part of an hour. I was passing a doorway when a skeletal arm reached out and grabbed onto my wrist.

I turned to see a sobbing old woman of no less than 70 years old, complete with only one eye and sporting a bare socket where the other one should have been, holding onto my arm with a death grip. Tears streaming down her face (one side anyways) she proceeded to call me her grandson and began to question me on why I never visited her.

I was only there for a few seconds before someone came to pry her off of me, but it felt like an eternity. Ever since that day, old people have creeped me out. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I’ll never be able to sit next to one again without recalling my horrible childhood incident.