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Old Girlfriend Got Married

I am 40 years old, I am deeply in love with my wife of 10 years and I have 2 kids.

My old girlfriend who I have not seen in 13 years got married two weeks ago and I swear to god that afternoon it felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

I have not had more than 2-3 hours sleep a night since.

I always loved my old girlfriend and I always will. I have had quite a few girlfriends but she is the only one from my past that I think about. For a while I thought we were going to grow old together.

I have tried to keep thoughts of her locked up as tight as possible over all these years. Her getting married was enough to break the lock and now I have all these emotions swirling around.

I had physical pain in my stomach for 2 weeks until Monday when I opened up to one of her bridesmaids who is a mutual friend.

Almost instantly the physical pain went away but I still cannot sleep I can barely eat and I cannot concentrate.

These are not feelings a man my age should have. I should be able to control this like I always have. I don’t know if it is low T levels or what it is fucking me up but I am not right.

Have any of the older guys been through this at my age? I feel like a school boy whose heart has been broken.

And if any T-vixens are reading this perhaps you could give me a womans perspective on this whole thing.

My group of friends got together at a lakehouse this summer like we do every year. My old girlfriend wanted to go. It is my circle of friends. The only one that would be considered her friend is the bridesmaid.

I cannot figure out why she wanted to go there knowing I would be there without my wife.

Did she want to tell me something? Did she want a last fling?

Am I fucking insane from lack of sleep?

It sure feels good to be human. The only way to move on is to face the feelings head on. If it’s affecting your sleep, it’s serious. Sorry to hear it, Zap. Therapy???

Telling the bridesmaid was stupid. You need to get your head out of your ass before you fuck up your marriage. This is the same “grass is greener” bullshit that leads guys to fuck around. In a year she’ll have put on 20 lbs of flam, let her looks go to shit, will be a nagging hag, and you’ll be lucky enough not to be stuck with her.

Well, I’m not old, and I’m not a Vixen, but I have recently had a simmilar reaction to learning of a fried getting married to a woman who I was once in love with.

I found out a while ago, and I was shocked about it for weeks, but here’s the kicker; I just recently found out that she was 7 months pregnant!

I saw her for the first time in almost 8 years. She was 8 months pregnant and walking on a treadmil at my gym.

We were talking for a while and all the feelings came back, and I tried my hardest not to make it too obvious.

That hit me a lot harder than finding out she got married for some reason.

I even talked to my wife about seeing her again, but didn’t talk about the feelings that came back.

I probably went on a little too much about her when talking to my wife, but I think that helped me get over the shock a little bit.

Now I think avoidance is best. I wouldn’t risk screwing up a great thing with my wife, but the temptation of seeing her was stronger than if Alyssa Milano was standing naked in front of me.

It’s crazy how those feelings can come back after so much time.

I hope you figgure out a way to get over them. If you do, let me know.

[quote]doogie wrote:
Telling the bridesmaid was stupid. You need to get your head out of your ass before you fuck up your marriage. This is the same “grass is greener” bullshit that leads guys to fuck around. In a year she’ll have put on 20 lbs of flam, let her looks go to shit, will be a nagging hag, and you’ll be lucky enough not to be stuck with her.[/quote]

I trust the bridesmaid with my life. We have been friends for almost 20 years and I am not going to do anything that would hurt my marriage.

I have been thinking it was a mistake to open up about this stuff with her but it was amazing how the pain in my stomach stopped right away. That has got to be a good thing.

Wouldn’t figure you for the epicurean type Zap…I thought you were more rational. :wink:

Listen, you know I’m not “older”. What I can tell you is that old feelings die hard, and some never die at all. This is a human condition that you just can’t avoid.

Remember that she isn’t the same girl she was 13 years ago, and you aren’t the same guy, and if it was meant to be it would have already happened.

When you keep shit like this down for a long time, it’s bound to come back up. Now, you know I’m all about living in the moment, but once you’ve got kids and an established family, there’s no sense losing your fucking mind over a broad you haven’t seen in a decade.

Therapists, as someone else suggested, are mostly bullshitters, so don’t get involved with that crap. My advice is to get drunk one night and write it all out. When you start writing, many times you come across things that you didn’t even know you were thinking. This is the way to get to know yourself better, and it’s cheaper and better than any therapist I’ve ever seen.

Start a blog or a journal, and get all this shit out for your own eyes to read. That’s how I work through it at least.

[quote]kroby wrote:
It sure feels good to be human. The only way to move on is to face the feelings head on. If it’s affecting your sleep, it’s serious. Sorry to hear it, Zap. Therapy???[/quote]

I don’t want to be human. I want to be able to control my emotions like Mr. Spock.

Hopefully this is like that Vulcan seven year itch thing. If I can just fight someone in a death match I can repress my emotions again.

The sleep thing is fucking me up. I slept on the couch for about 15 minutes earlier in the evening and now I feel like I have no hope of sleep tonight.

I don’t think I am cut out for therapy. I talked with the bridesmaid and it helped a lot but not enough to get me to sleep.

I think I just have to keep reminding myself why my wife is so much better than my olf gf.

Years ago at the lakehouse my old gf was looking fine in her bikini and I was reading the signs she wanted to at least fool around or get back together.

At the time I was still early in my relationship with my wife. I remember I didn’t want to mess that up or get burned again.

I have to keep reminding myself I made the right choice and quit playing the “what if” game.

I think I need a testosterone injection. Living with my wife and two girls is making me as emotional as a woman.

Thanks for listening to my rants and thanks to doogie for the slap in the face I need.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
doogie wrote:
Telling the bridesmaid was stupid. You need to get your head out of your ass before you fuck up your marriage. This is the same “grass is greener” bullshit that leads guys to fuck around. In a year she’ll have put on 20 lbs of flam, let her looks go to shit, will be a nagging hag, and you’ll be lucky enough not to be stuck with her.

I trust the bridesmaid with my life. We have been friends for almost 20 years and I am not going to do anything that would hurt my marriage.

I have been thinking it was a mistake to open up about this stuff with her but it was amazing how the pain in my stomach stopped right away. That has got to be a good thing.

[/quote]

This is the kind of shit you are supposed to swallow and take your ulcer like a man.

I’m kind of kidding about that, but not totally.

Zap, you have to relax and destressify however you can. I don’t know to tell you how, but you probally have to sort things out and realize that you are either content with what you have, or maybe you aren’t. If you aren’t, then maybe this is the thing you need to make changes.

You can take this and use it, or it’ll use you.

Give this a shot to help you sleep - before bed, set a timer for 10 min and write about how you are feeling now, or how you felt when you heard the news, or any other thoughts that are currently bothering you.

Don’t worry about sentence structure or spelling or anything. You already know that you aren’t going to act on these feelings - they’ve just been dredged up from long ago - so don’t worry how f’d up or illogical they are. You prob won’t want your wife to find this writing, so you might want to burn it afterwards.

This way, you won’t have to worry about people like the bridesmaid or a therapist telling anyone, even though they normally never would. Then sleep!

Another great trick - imagine you are a kid again and you hear that it’s a snow day on the radio and you get to go back to sleep. Or the office called and the y are giving you a day off with pay for some reason.

[quote]SWR-1240 wrote:
Well, I’m not old, and I’m not a Vixen, but I have recently had a simmilar reaction to learning of a fried getting married to a woman who I was once in love with.

I found out a while ago, and I was shocked about it for weeks, but here’s the kicker; I just recently found out that she was 7 months pregnant!

I saw her for the first time in almost 8 years. She was 8 months pregnant and walking on a treadmil at my gym.

We were talking for a while and all the feelings came back, and I tried my hardest not to make it too obvious.

That hit me a lot harder than finding out she got married for some reason.

I even talked to my wife about seeing her again, but didn’t talk about the feelings that came back.

I probably went on a little too much about her when talking to my wife, but I think that helped me get over the shock a little bit.

Now I think avoidance is best. I wouldn’t risk screwing up a great thing with my wife, but the temptation of seeing her was stronger than if Alyssa Milano was standing naked in front of me.

It’s crazy how those feelings can come back after so much time.

I hope you figgure out a way to get over them. If you do, let me know.[/quote]

I would be crushed if I saw my old gf pregnant. I have a thing for pregnant women. And of course I would be jealous it wasn’t my baby.

The thing that has saved my ass from doing something stupid has been distance. She lives almost a thousand miles away. I have been to her city 4 times in the last few years. I was in panic mode I would do something stupid until my plane left the ground.

[quote]doogie wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
doogie wrote:
Telling the bridesmaid was stupid. You need to get your head out of your ass before you fuck up your marriage. This is the same “grass is greener” bullshit that leads guys to fuck around. In a year she’ll have put on 20 lbs of flam, let her looks go to shit, will be a nagging hag, and you’ll be lucky enough not to be stuck with her.

I trust the bridesmaid with my life. We have been friends for almost 20 years and I am not going to do anything that would hurt my marriage.

I have been thinking it was a mistake to open up about this stuff with her but it was amazing how the pain in my stomach stopped right away. That has got to be a good thing.

This is the kind of shit you are supposed to swallow and take your ulcer like a man.

I’m kind of kidding about that, but not totally.
[/quote]

I am thinking the same way. I am 40 now and have been holding it down for more than 10 years. I can’t have more than 30 or heaven forbid, 40 more years left on the planet. I feel like I have done 25% of my workout. If I can make it this far I can make it to 50% and then I am halfway home.

you sir are suffering from a self induced mind-fuck…low levels of testosterone are compounding your suffering (let’s face it, you’re acting like a highschool girl that’s just been dumped)…

step one: drink/smoke until you pass out.

step two: (the next day) inject 3cc of enanthate. Drink a big mug of coffee.

step three: realize that if you had stayed with her she would have driven you bat-shit crazy with all the horridly annoying irrational crap she used to pull (I know this is true because all women are like this).

step four: be a man for christ’s sake…enough of this sniveling highschool drama shit.

step five: if you’re not better by this time you need to have one of your friends punch you in the head and knock some sense into you.

In all seriousness, sleep is important. I’ve learned the hard way that I go manic in only a couple of days with a messed up pattern. I can suggest Ambien CR or Seroquel. Either one will knock you out and docs will give you free samples.

The Seroquel gives me great dreams, but that could backfire on you I suppose. I don’t remember anything with the Ambien.

[quote]DPH wrote:
you sir are suffering from a self induced mind-fuck…low levels of testosterone are compounding your suffering (let’s face it, you’re acting like a highschool girl that’s just been dumped)…

step one: drink/smoke until you pass out.

step two: (the next day) inject 3cc of enanthate. Drink a big mug of coffee.

step three: realize that if you had stayed with her she would have driven you bat-shit crazy with all the horridly annoying irrational crap she used to pull (I know this is true because all women are like this).

step four: be a man for christ’s sake…enough of this sniveling highschool drama shit.

step five: if you’re not better by this time you need to have one of your friends punch you in the head and knock some sense into you.[/quote]

This is the best advise yet.

I think I just need to man up.

I am going to go to bed now and stare at the ceiling. At least I get to lift in 4.5 hours and then ride my motorcycle to work. Some manly thinks to look forward to.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:

I would be crushed if I saw my old gf pregnant. I have a thing for pregnant women. And of course I would be jealous it wasn’t my baby.
[/quote]

See, this shit is dangerous.

Your time with her is over. Your time with your kids is more important (and that, uh, wife woman you live with).

I’ve been with my girl for three years. I know that I wouldn’t cheat on her because I know that her getting hurt by me would kill me. When I see her crying, it fucking kills me.

If you really have issues with your wife now, then you need to seperate that from your feelings for the old girl. It is too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that they are one in the same.

If you feel the same way after a month or two, reconsider your entire life, because it might be time for a change.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
doogie wrote:

This is the kind of shit you are supposed to swallow and take your ulcer like a man.

I’m kind of kidding about that, but not totally.

I am thinking the same way. I am 40 now and have been holding it down for more than 10 years. I can’t have more than 30 or heaven forbid, 40 more years left on the planet. I feel like I have done 25% of my workout. If I can make it this far I can make it to 50% and then I am halfway home.[/quote]

Yet my philosophical side wonders if it’s worth it for you to live with this if this is the way you really feel.

Are you looking forward to death so you don’t have to face reality anymore? This is as dangerous as cheating on your wife.

You yourself only have one life here. Do you want to spend most of that unhappy, waiting to not have to face your problems? Now, I don’t face my problems, but that’s because I drink alot. If you’re not going to go my route, than you better figure out what it is you really want.

Interesting questions Zap.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
DPH wrote:
you sir are suffering from a self induced mind-fuck…low levels of testosterone are compounding your suffering (let’s face it, you’re acting like a highschool girl that’s just been dumped)…

step one: drink/smoke until you pass out.

step two: (the next day) inject 3cc of enanthate. Drink a big mug of coffee.

step three: realize that if you had stayed with her she would have driven you bat-shit crazy with all the horridly annoying irrational crap she used to pull (I know this is true because all women are like this).

step four: be a man for christ’s sake…enough of this sniveling highschool drama shit.

step five: if you’re not better by this time you need to have one of your friends punch you in the head and knock some sense into you.

This is the best advise yet.

I think I just need to man up.

I am going to go to bed now and stare at the ceiling. At least I get to lift in 4.5 hours and then ride my motorcycle to work. Some manly thinks to look forward to.[/quote]

Being a man means you fix problems, not ignore them. Lack of sleep means you’re going to have a shitty workout and workday. The writing thing comes from James Penebaker’s “Opening Up,” which I read for a class. It’s actually a summary of his research, so it’s actually all peer-reviewed stuff.

If it’s good enough for war veterans with PTSD, it’s good enough for you. If you don’t like the idea, then at least use the next 4.5 hours to go on a ride!

I wasn’t going to say anything at first, but I definitly feel I have to say something now.

I’m not even close to your age, not married, and have no clue about love. But what I do know is that my parents just divorced a few years ago, and it was due to years of pent up feelings.

My mother loved a guy her entire teenage life, had a crush on him. He got married when my mother was still 17. Mom married my father at 18, without any courtship. Skip through 21 years of marriage, and you have 2 children, and a marriage that seemed ok, but was really lacking depth.

My father does not know how to correctly express his feelings. I wont go into detail, but because of how clueless he was, it contributed to the really fast breakup of marriage.

The moment that the man my mom first loved seperated from his wife and four children (NOT divorced, just moved out), my mom leaves my dad, they all get divorced and remarried.

Now, what went wrong? Old flames die hard, and stale marriages without love die fast.

It seems from what you’ve written that you DO love your wife. Good. If so, forget about the old GF. Period. Here’s the new deal: She doesn’t exist. You dont go visit her city. 1000 Miles dont matter. I personally traversed 400 miles to do something along the same lines of stupidity.

You dont need to learn from others mistakes. If you love your wife, it’s time to validate it, and take the past love out of your life.

Just take this as an example though. Know that old feelings can be dangerous to your current marriage. On the other hand, my parents marriage was lacking in love, and honestly after seeing how much happier she is, I’ve forgiven it all. Your happy with your marriage, your wife, your love?

This other woman seems to have gotten herself happily married, good for her. But if there are ANY mutual feelings between you, you MUST cut off all contact. My parents were great friends with the other man and his wife for 30+ years (they’ve all known each other since childhood), and STAYED friends the entire time. That was another reason those feelings never went away - the other love was always close.

Would it be a mistake to do something with this woman? Do you love your wife? If the answer is yes to both, then just take comfort in the fact that you CAN let go, you CAN stop wondering about this other woman, and you can get on with life.

And, I think you should talk with your wife about this. Do it in a smart way, be open, and talk together about if there is anything you two need to work on together. It may be hard, but it shouldn’t, your wife loves you and will listen, be willing to work with you. I’ll say it one last time though - forget the other person exists.

Dont hear about what’s happened to her, dont know if shes married, pregnant, single, whatever. Cause honestly, you dont need to think about that stuff.

FightinIrish26 makes some great points. If all else fails, re-evaluate your life. Get this stuff out of the way FAST, it will build up on you.

Best of luck.

[quote]doogie wrote:
In all seriousness, sleep is important. I’ve learned the hard way that I go manic in only a couple of days with a messed up pattern. I can suggest Ambien CR or Seroquel. Either one will knock you out and docs will give you free samples. [/quote]

There’s also Tylenol PM in a pinch.

I agree with doogie 100% on this… when I don’t get enough sleep, I get very depressed which leads to getting less sleep… and on and on. You need to get that handled first.