T Nation

Nuggets of Wisdom


#1

I have a folder in my PC which I have filled up with copied and pasted posts from this site over the last couple of years. I 'cough' can't remember the names of the posters who wrote them so I unfortunately cannot give them credit. Obviously I'd like to make it clear that I didn't write them and am not trying to claim I did.

It would be a shame not to share them, so here goes...


#2

Tucker Max:

I didn?t live my life perfectly, I did some things I probably shouldn?t have, but I?d do it all again. God knows I have failed many times and in many ways, but our successes grow out of what we learn from our failures, and our victories come with scars. You must be willing to accept both, or you get neither. My mistakes are as much a part of my success as my achievements are.


#3

Tucker Max:

Tucker Max makes no secret of being an asshole. In fact it?s the first thing he tells you about himself at the top of his madly popular blog, TuckerMax.com. And there?s plenty of evidence to support his contention. He?s been sued for invasion of privacy by one of his ex-girlfriends, a former Miss Vermont, and for libel by a Philadelphia event planner whose New Year?s Eve party he skewered online. He?s been scolded by a judge as ?a poster child for vulgarity? and picketed during an appearance at Ohio State University by feminists accusing him of ?promoting a culture of rape.?

He?s also a University of Chicago graduate with a degree in law from Duke and the author of a book detailing his misadventures, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, that made the New York Times bestseller list for nearly four years (the paper?s reviewer characterized him as ?highly entertaining and throughly reprehensible?). A movie version hit screens in 2009 and is now available on DVD. His follow up title, Assholes Finish First, is due out in the fall. In the meantime, he continues to regale readers online with accounts of his boisterous misbehavior.

What can such a reprobate have to offer in the way of relationship advice? Plenty, including the following ten dating tips that, while not guaranteeing you?ll end up as successful an asshole as the author, at least allow you to benefit from the wisdom acquired while becoming the one he is today.

1: Know who you are and what you want. Everything flows from self-awareness. The first thing you have to figure out when doing anything at all, dating included, is your goals and objectives. Seems obvious, right? Except most guys that come to me for dating advice get this part wrong.

Are you just looking to get laid? Do you want a girlfriend? A casual fuck buddy? The answers to these questions should determine your course of action. If you?re just looking for someone to have sex with and that?s all, then your approach should be fundamentally different than if you?re looking for a wife.
Understand your motives and objectives. Every decision is shaped by them. And of course, from this point follows the next:

2: Go for girls who want the same thing you do. This is another obvious imperative that many guys get wrong. If you?re 18 years old, exploring your identity and want to experience as many different women as you can, that?s perfectly reasonable. But then don?t be that idiot who keeps trying to have one night stands with girls in search of a boyfriend.

Here?s the great thing about America:No matter what it is you want, there are plenty of people who want the same thing. If you just want to get drunk and have wild, emotionless sexual encounters, there are plenty of girls who are into that. If you want casual fuck buddies, or a series of monogamous relationships, you can find these things easily. Hell, if you want to dress up like a clown and shit on someone?s chest, there are more than a few people into that too.

The point is simple but very important: Figure out what you want, then go for it. If you adhere to those two basic requirements, everything else is pretty much just execution.

3: Don?t lie.I was 24 when I learned the most important lesson there is. Dont lie to women. Of course, there are myriad ethical and moral issues with lying, and those are certainly valid, but my advice is more pragmatic. Nothing good comes from lying. You aren?t going to get more pussy, and you create a ton more problems for yourself. In fact, the day I started being honest, I realized I could put in half the work and get twice the pussy. It was amazing.

There are a lot of guys who think dating and relationships necessitate some form of deception, especially if your goals are mainly physical interactions (e.g., sex).Well, my entire existence is proof of how flawed that view is. Women want to fuck just as much as men do, they just don?t want to be lied to. And they want to feel safe about what?s happening.

If you?re completely honest about who you are and what you want?whatever that is?you create an atmosphere in which women will trust you. I cannot tell you how many women have said this sentence to me: ?You may be an asshole, but you?re honest about it. I know what I?m getting.?
It?s easier to be honest. Lying doesn?t work.

4: Make an attempt. It always makes me laugh when I go out to a bar and see guys just standing around, talking to each other, staring at girls. If you?re just going to drink beer and talk to your buddies, you might as well stay home?the beer is cheaper there.

Sounds like a clich�©, but you can?t win the game unless you actually get on the field and play. Neither sex nor relationships are going to seek you out; you have to make them happen. But like so much of life, the failure is in the execution.

Many guys follow this info up with some bullshit question like, ?Yeah, but what exactly do I say to a girl?? Ugh! That?s like asking me directions to your local grocery store. How the fuck am I supposed to know all the specifics of your situation? There is no magic opening or amazing line that works in all circumstances. There are no shortcuts to success in any field. The key is just being able to socialize like a normal person. If you need instructions on that, the best way to learn is practice. If you want to become good at socializing, go socialize.

5: Stop being afraid, especially of rejection.You wouldn?t believe how many dudes send me these long e-mails that essentially boil down to them wanting something but not wanting to actually go for it because they?re afraid of rejection. Sorry, asshole, doesn?t work that way. Life is risk.

I?ve had girls reject me, and I?ve rejected girls. This is a fact: EVERYONE will face some sort of rejection in their lives. It?s not a big deal. If you are too afraid of rejection to make a move, then you aren?t going to get anything done.
And of course, this begs the question: How do you stop being afraid?

6: Don?t judge yourself based on casual interactions. Rejection only bothers you if you have a lot invested in the outcome. But why would you have a lot invested in casual socializing? Going out and meeting new people should not require a major exposure of your inner soul. Being in a relationship with someone, yes, but just socializing?who cares? If you meet people who don?t like you or you don?t like, it shouldn?t be a big deal either way.

The problem is that many people judge themselves based on what others think of them. They live and die by every interaction. If this is your mindset, you will not dare to risk rejection. But if you stop investing in such minor things you free yourself up to do more.

7: Stop focusing on results; enjoy the process. Dating, like life, is the journey, not the destination. That journey is about finding out who you are and having some fun in the process. If you think it?s about how many women you fuck or anything like that, you are wrong and sad.

The process itself is what you should be enjoying. Avoid focusing on some sort of desired outcome. Some of the best nights I?ve ever had were when I didn?t get laid. Just had fun with my friends, and that?s the whole point. So much of my game comes from the fact that I don?t give a fuck if the girl likes me or not. In most ways, it?s inconsequential to me. I am just out to have fun, crack jokes, entertain myself and my friends. Everything else flows from that. If you don?t care about the result, you can be relaxed and fun and the type of person other people like to be around.

8: Make yourself the type of person someone would want to date. This is something that A LOT of people get wrong. How many times have you seen a girl?s list of things she wants in a boyfriend that runs more than three pages long and basically describes the most perfect person on earth, yet she is overweight, selfish, petulant and boring?

You ever notice how most couples are about the same level of looks (and usually intelligence too)? This is not a coincidence. Humans are very good at figuring out their market value and then finding someone similar with whom to pair up. The good part about being a guy is that looks are way down the list of things that matter to women. Most of the things that do matter?personality, humor, success, temperament?can be improved with work. So get to it.

9: Try everything and everyone at least once. Every relationship you have is going to end, until you have one that doesn?t. Understand that the entire point of dating is to have fun in the moment with someone you enjoy. How can you know what type of person you are, or what type of person works best with you, until you have experienced a lot of different people.

10: Understand that your age defines many things about who you are and what you can accomplish. I cannot emphasize this enough. Much of what you do and what you CAN do is determined by how old you are and how much experience you have. If you?re in high school, you aren?t going to be fucking five different girls a week, and if youre 32, you won?t be getting smashed five times a week at college parties.

The point: If you are in high school, don?t expect to do the things I do. And if you are 35, don?t act like you?re in high school.


#4

'Unknown poster'

Good post and exactly what I'm talking about although I didn't want to get too caught up in the "why" someone might be to one end of the continuum of the other. I feel that is usually too difficult to fix and I don't have the energy for it. Once you're an adult, you're pretty unpliable in my opinion.

I do disagree that this doesn't cause imbalances in relationships though. I think it causes lots of problems. If we follow your logic that dysfunction causes the imbalance, then we deny that men or women can exhibit either trait, and we know most healthy people do fall along the continuum. For instance, my son's mother...her mom wasn't shit, dad did what he could, she's on her own at a very young age.

Is it any wonder she's quite "masculine"? No. But does that make her dysfunctional? Not at all. Her environment, much like a birth order, much like a relationship with parents, shaped who she is. We don't have to stop there. What if a young high school girl or boy has an interest or talent that would lead one to develop more masculinity of femininity? Well, it was that talent, or pursuit of that interest that may have cultivated the outcome.

What makes me uncomfortable about your conclusion is that by implying someone is dysfunctional, you are assigning a value judgment to random points on the continuum. Although dysfunction can certainly be a reason someone is at a certain point, as well as circumstances (career, interests, personality, family, life experience, etc.), I more or less accept someone where they are, with no judgment value, and mostly consider whether this person compliments me or repulses me.

I don't know about you, but I don't have time to "fix" people, to the extent anyone requires fixing - and I don't agree every masculine woman or man needs fixing :slightly_smiling: Some do, but not all.

And herein is the problem Max (and I'm not picking on your post); you can NEVER protect yourself. Relationships are a contact sport and anyone wearing any protective gear is cheating themselves and their mate from the experience.

No matter how much armor you adorn yourself with, you're still vulnerable. So which is better? To love openly (and fully enjoy the experience) and bravely accept your wounds (knowing you cannot control another person or the outcome)? Or, putting on that heavy armor, short-changing yourself and your mate, stifling the potential growth of the relationship and STILL being unprotected.

Try as we might, we cannot "protect" ourselves from disappointment; especially where another person enters the equation. We can only choose wisely (as wisely as you can based on your experience, wisdom, wants and needs).

There is a freedom in letting go, and accepting you cannot control an outcome or protect yourself. It's liberating. The other way is hot, stifling - like a prison cell of your own making and the protection you perceive from it is an illusion.

We all get hurt. It's how we handle it (and all adversity) that defines us...in my opinion.

And to dovetail with my previous post, the above is exactly part of the analysis you must do that we can't do for you. Bob has made a judgment here, and he doesn't know her. He might be right, or he could be wrong. ONLY YOU have those answers.

The one thing to understand is we can't "fix" people - we take them, or leave them, as they are. So evaluate her, take your time and consider what's right for you. After evaluating her, if you think she can make you happy - then you need to evaluate the tough part; can you ever trust her again. And can you ever forgive her. If you cannot do both the latter, it's over.


#5

Unknown poster:

Big sigh.

Actually, your first mistake was taking advice from a guy named Igor that drives a taxi. Some guys are just happy to have someone and put up with all kinds of shit. Not that taking advice from us anonymous internet types is any better :).

Advice is great, but it's usually advice that suits the giver, based on their experience and temperament. I can tell a lot about someone, about their past, their experiences, their weaknesses, merely by listening to the type of advice they give or listening to their opinions on various things - especially relationships. Their scars are obvious and it shapes many people and not necessarily for the better and in fact, it's usually for the worse.

The fact is, anyone jumping up and down yammering about "fuck that bitch off with her head for this" has probably been cheated on and dumped and still bear the emotional scars from it. And guess what, in spite of the overwhelming sentiment in the replies here, there is no right or wrong answer to the problem that vexes you most - whether to forgive her or not, and why she did what she did. We can't say "this is what the answer is" - it's not a math question, it's emotional algebra and we all have our own formulas.

Many of us have acted as if no one has ever been forgiven another for infidelity. Well, it happens all the time and if there were no forgiveness, the divorce rates in this country would be even higher.

Unfortunately, neither Igor, your roommate, or anyone here can give you the "right" answer because there is none. Only you have the right answer for you and I'm starting to think maybe she has the answer as well (and you need to continue to communicate to find it).

You could forgive her, eventually heal from your pain, and have a good relationship (if everything else was in order and you were seriously considering a future with her). You could forgive her and the relationship could fail (and that can happen anyway with any relationship). Either way, you come out the other side with what we call life experience or wisdom - and it belongs to you, not Igor, not your roommate and not us. It's all yours, you own it so go find it.

As far as her not respecting you in if you take her back, I'm not sure I agree with that. Forgiveness does not equal weakness and it doesn't have to equal neediness. If the other shit about your life like your focus, goals, purpose, etc are already in order, and you already respect yourself, I don't see why she wouldn't respect you. And besides, forgiving her is not a life long contract. You can forgive, and if it doesn't work out (for any reason) or, if she doesn't respect you (you'll know soon enough), you simply go your separate ways.

Without telling you what I think you should do, I'd take some time away from it, to come to terms with your feelings and thoughts, and not be in any rush to end it or forgive her. This means no more contrived bullshit like "I need to get out and bang new chicks" or go get drunk. Keep your normal routine, but don't be in a hurry to do anything about this.

And I think your wanting to understand what the fuck happened and having some answers is perfectly reasonable, so talking to her is not off limits. I think some here are being unrealistic about communication with her. If you are dead set about breaking up with her, the most economically emotional course is to cease contact. But it sounds like you have doubts, and it sounds like you want answers, and therefore talking may help you complete your personal algebraic formula to reach the answer that's right for you - not for Igor, your roommate or us.

If everything before this was perfect, and she was a pillar of female dignity and grace, you have some thinking to do. If however, you felt there were cracks in her personality, and if this was just her being her under stress, you have even more thinking to do. We are who we say we are - with our actions. Under that particular scenario, she was unfaithful.

There ARE men and women out there that would NOT be unfaithful under that particular scenario. They may be under others, or may never be. You need to evaluate the scenario that led to the infidelity and you need to evaluate her. You then need to consider what you want for your future and what type of mate you want, and whether you could ever trust her or have the kind of life you want with her.

Well, being too skeptical is not good and nothing more than a defense mechanism. You can live your life from a defensive position, but I think that sucks ultimately. For me, it's an unconscious (but deliberate) process when interacting with anyone - do their actions match their claims or words? If they do not, then you would be perfectly reasonable to mistrust, or at least be skeptical of the person. If they do match, any mistrust you have is less reasonable.

I think a good place to be emotionally is to divest yourself from the outcomes and actions of others (which goes to our earlier point about making someone something you want them to be). Wanting a particular outcome is a form of control, or desire for control in my opinion. The healthiest thing you can ever do is understand what you can and cannot control and act accordingly. You cannot control other people, even if you're a good manipulator - that's only temporary control.

Too many people are terrified of being "hurt". Well, life is a contact sport and no one is guaranteed not to get hurt. Get your emotional (and physical, especially if you're a man) uniform dirty I say. Every scuff, stain and tear on my uniform has made me a better person, given me wisdom and made me stronger. My mistakes (and those of others) are the foundational bricks and mortar of my character. Itâ??s reasonable to attempt to avoid mistakes, but when they come, embrace them and learn from them.


#6

UNKOWN POSTER (I love this one though)

I've had a change of heart regarding this thread. I certainly do not approve of ******. I think she has issues. I think she's purposefully provocative to get attention and I find that unattractive and unseemly. But her personal issues are none of my business and do not affect me. But it just makes her easy for me to dislike.

However, she really grinded my gears when she infected the innocent "when was the first" thread with her nonsensical rantings about child abuse. And she's still fucking at it. I do not like that she took something lighthearted, and used it as her personal platform to espouse her ranting?s about what she thinks is appropriate - which I find extremely ironic given how she conducts herself here and the personal stories she has related. And I really don't like that she did this at the expense of someone that I'm pretty fond of.

I reject her implying she's some type of expert when in fact she does not have any advanced education or degrees in her chosen field. She is not a clinician. She is not a researcher. She is not even a graduate of any discipline. She works in a group home. And it's barely above a minimum wage job. My son's mother supervises a group home - I know the field well.

I do not like authoritative sounding rantings and condemnations coming from someone that is unqualified. She has ideas, ambition, experiences and such - and I'm not discounting that, but she is not an authority. In the final analysis though, I regret starting this thread and I ask that you just let it die.

No, she didn't threaten me with her nude pics, I just had a genuine change of heart. And no, I am not extending an olive branch to her - I do think she's fucking bat shit fucking crazy. But I'll ask all of you to just let the thread die. She is an unapologetic attention whore - this is for sure, but if we want to rebuke her, there will be plenty of opportunity in the future given her posting history and her penchant for being provocative. However, a dedicated bash thread is over the top. End/


#7

TL:DR


#8

TL:DR

Tucker max...no


#9

I'd be will to bet that the posts following the TMax, were BG's. Damn good posts, too.


#10

Could this one be The Bodyguard?


#11

The Tucker Max relationship tips were brilliant. I like his honesty.


#12

I'm not naming names in case they don't show up :wink:

I've got loads of AC's but since he's still around I won't post any until he agrees, seeing as they're still his 'intellectual property'.


#13

Man, I was hopin that somebody saved some of that stuff I wrote - I sure as hell didn't! LOL

Dude, if you think it "re-post worthy", put it up there! It'll save me the time to re-type that shit. I hereby relinquish my 'intellectual property' rights for the good of the forum. LOL

Just keep in mind that I've evolved a bit with my thinking since I started posting here - so take everything with a grain of salt.

That Tucker Max shit is gold! I arrived at the same conclusions from my experience.


#14

Brad, I can either email you the folder and you can read through and re post as you please or I can just start throwing it up. I sent you an email at your Yahoo address, are you still using that address?


#15

i didn't see it. I just PM'd you with my gmail account - it's more reliable than yahoo, so if you don't mind, send it to that one.

But feel free to post anything you feel is good advice. I trust your judgement. Besides, after tomorrow, I'll be offshore for a week and wont have any time to do it.


#16

Your definition of 'nuggets' is vastly different to mine. Aren't nuggets meant to be small?

These are more like GOLDMINES of wisdom.


#17

Here's a little nugget of wisdom:

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, but some of them you wouldn't come near and some of them you would come inside of.


#18

Gay.


#19

So are you, but I didn't come on here to post about it.


#20

Something like that. Glad you can admit your homosexuality though.