Ha! No, we would be at hotels hanging out, not bars. Sitting on beds, indian style. Talking about men, not picking them up. At a bar we would just sit together, drinking, and…talk. Men are topics of conversation, certainly, but they are not living dildos generally speaking. Not everyone wants to get laid by strangers. Some people look for connection and then maintain it. Some people are able to manage fidelity. Many people feel richly rewarded by it.
I’m only pointing out that what you really mean is that a huge percentage of women who pick up men when they’re on vacation feel differently, as noted by yourself and confirmed by illicitaffairs.com’s important research.
I was thinking about this thread while driving a few days ago and it occurred to me (again, I keep forgetting) that people willing to cheat always see cheating everywhere, while those of us who eschew it seem not to see it at all. Then I thought about the cheating ex-boyfriend (total man-whore) and lesser-cheating ex-husband and thought “my God, maybe Hockey, whom I adore and who travels constantly for work, cheats too, and I’m once again completely oblivious.” I was pretty sad there for a minute, but then I decided that no, I trust him, and for what I believe is good reason (he displays none of the moral inconsistency of the other two and takes decency very seriously), and also, so what? If in fact I can trust no one, because no one is trustworthy, wouldn’t I be better off unaware and assuming the best? Because sadder to me than being fooled would be to see the shadow of betrayal everywhere.
I’m with you on this. My ex-husband cheated. I’ve never cheated nor have I ever felt the desire to cheat. I’d rather live in a sunny Pollyanna world than in grim paranoia. It seems much easier to recover from the betrayal of a cheater than to live voluntarily in such a grey, grinding, unhappy place.
I travel long stretches at a time to bizarre countries. I’m a successful businessman, reasonably tall, and fit. Women do pursue me, even though I am not terribly approachable. They are often extremely aggressive (by which I mean they make clear they are available) during business travel, especially international travel.
I grew up in a culture that stressed that one must not only not sin, but not give the appearance of sinning, as by doing so you could leave others to stray. So I worry that she worries (although she says she does not).
Mrs. Jewbacca has access to every credit card, bank account, phone, and computer that I own. I follow certain cultural norms that act as a back stop to bad actions. I call often. She can track my phone if she wishes. We skype. I try to travel with like-minded male companions that she knows. I’ve at least introduced her to my traveling companions and given each their respective contact information. I try to avoid alcohol where possible (not really possible in Asia). I do have the advantage that I can plead religious conviction to not attend certain clubs popular with businessmen in Japan without being rude (and Dallas). Etc.
While obviously being observantly Jewish is not the solution for anyone but a Jewish person, perhaps others can take some pointers both to avoid temptation and to avoid the appearance of impropriety.
This is a big one that just doesn’t seem to occur to people. If you govern yourself in a manner that doesn’t put you in the path of temptation, it simplifies things. If you also do so to avoid situations that appear inappropriate, it does the same.
I’m not exactly a lily white goodie two shoes but I act in a manner designed to not embarrass my husband or ever have him question my fidelity. He does the same. The fact that we both have access to all email, phones etc means neither one of us actually checks.
Maybe some of it is due to age and experience but over time you recognize situations that don’t look above board regardless of whether they are so you avoid them.
I also travel frequently for work. I’ve highlighted the things my wife as access to as well.
I was raised similarly. My parents did not drink out of fear that that would give permission to others to drink.
I’m not afraid of temptation, because I know myself well. Nor do I believe temptation is a sin. I will have a couple drinks with dinner at the hotel bar. But again, I have certain convictions that others do not. Nor would I assume that someone can have the same convictions I do.
My wife also has the ability to see where my phone is at any given time. Why? Because I drive ALOT and spend most of my time in meetings. It helps her feel safe seeing me cruise down the highway, or know that if I’m not responding to a message I’m still in a meeting.
EDIT: I don’t look for temptation, but I wouldn’t avoid a polite conversation with an attractive woman. I’d converse friendly, if it was obvious that person was flirting, I work my marriage into the conversation or just make my lack of intentions very clear.
This is almost unavoidable sometimes. I take my son to the playground often enough, and there are always good looking women there in an environment that makes it easy to talk. What gets me is the yoga pants. Geez! Those things are just nuts.
I work in schools and teachers tend to be younger women. I don’t seek these conversations or go out of my way to make them happen, but if they do, I don’t leave the situation. I suppose to be more clear:
If there is an attractive woman, I might have the conscience thought she’s attractive, but I’m not tempted to get her number or thinking about hooking up.
but if its only that and she was not gonna have sex with the guys, she would not feel guilty at all.
I would assume she would justify that as having fun and not doing anything wrong since she did not sleep with the guys.