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Noticing a Trend with My GF - Advice Requested


#21

Sounds like you’ve got this properly figured out, good to see. As always, the sooner you move on to the next one, the sooner you’ll be completely over this one.

Going fwd, remember that to be “actually in love with her” means nothing; it’s just (silly) idealism to think that that entitles one to anything.

Inspire her to be completely head-over-heels for you – she’ll make this clear to you, and very happily at that – and ONLY THEN should you feel free to reciprocate.


#22

Bear in mind that my track record with women is not good, but my advice:

First, work out if you actually want to keep her, and the main question here is ‘is it worth the sheer fucking effort’, because if you do, then I advise you to try and go out with her whenever possible, make her life with you exciting and cool. Bear in mind that even if you manage this, there’s a good chance she’ll still be fucking around.

Then again, if you decide it’s not worth the effort, the best thing to do is to start screwing her friends and the guys she was flirting with.

Or, alternatively, you could start drinking to deal with your problems. It won’t help, but it will feel better.

Personally, I’d go with all three but it’s really up to you.


#23

The way she is treating you is exactly how I used to treat my ex… and in the least douchebag way, I cheated on her dozens of times. I’m terribly remorseful now and realise I was horrible person now… but dude she is straight up playing you. What will really give it away is random spurts of endearing love, this is just disguised guilt working its way to the surface.


#24

When I was younger and just banging around on anything, that wouldn’t have warranted a second thought. As I got older and started to become more focused on stability, I’d have had some serious questions and doubts. Once I started into settling down and thinking about marriage type relationships- she would be out.

So it really depends on where you’re at with what kind of relationship you want, and your tolerance for that type of behavior.


#25

Great comment.

OP, it depends where the two of you are in life, what your expectations are now and moving forward.

I have buddies who were horn-dogs in college that cheated on GF’s who have settled down into happy, married-with-kids devoted fathers who would “never” (using that loosely, never say never) cheat. I don’t totally believe once-a-cheater, always-a-cheater; but if this is something you are concerned about, you should be able to talk to her about it.

I’ll also note that during your 20’s, figuring out each relationship you have can take awhile, and some of them will die a natural death because you’re on the road to better things. I remember when my first GF broke up with me, I was devastated, because I’d been sure that we would be together forever (even though we dated for all of six months). With my second GF, we were together for two and a half years before I decided it was time that we part ways (and she was devastated, convinced that we were going to get married). I had a few more stops and starts before I finally landed the right girl at the right time to have a lasting relatiionship.

Point is: if you really love this girl and want it to work out, the two of you will figure this out. If something still feels “wrong” and it’s not going away, even after talking about it, then it’s okay to part ways and venture back out into the ocean of single people out there. 20-somethings (well, not just 20-somethings) often will stay in relationships that aren’t working because they’re afraid they will not find someone else and will end up alone.


#26

I grew up and live in a vacation area (ski area).

With few exceptions, freed of the potentiality of being slut-shamed and near-home complications, women almost universally become sluts on vacation, far worst than men – mainly because they can.

I’ve slept with so many wives and girlfriends on “girl trips” I have literally lost count.

So yes, your woman fucks around on you when she is away.


#27

Bear in mind that your sample group is self-selected to be women who will sleep with strangers. You would never even have noticed the young me because I would not have made eye contact with you or made myself known to you in any way, whether I was in a relationship or not, because I don’t sleep with strangers regardless of where I am. My social group would be similarly oriented. If we go someplace together it is to spend time together. I’ve been on several “girls’ trips” as well as multi-day trainings or seminars and cannot think of a single time someone has split off from the group to hook up - again, regardless of relationship status.

Which isn’t to say that OP’s girl is loyal, but only to point out that the women you’ve slept with are representative of the group “women who will sleep with strangers on vacation,” not “women on vacation.” I mean, “almost universally”? That sounds just as naive to me as I doubtlessly would to you if I claimed the opposite based on my own experience.


#28

Well, sure, my sample is biased. So, I’ve resorted to a little Google-Fu, and darned if my sample wasn’t representative – studies show women, when freed of social restraints (which, yours are apparently not, as they are “similarly oriented”) although according to the study below, you will never know) – overwhelmingly become total hoes.

But you are correct, the study shows “only” 1/4 women actually manage to cheat on vacation (more often than men)-- I don’t know how many try and fail to cheat, but it’s obviously larger than 1/4.

So, yes, you’re right. It’s not “overwhelming” majority, more like 1/3 try.

But that’s still many, many women. Probably (given how coy women are about doing it), some of your friends.


#29

Um. All three of your hits are based on “research” from the website described in one of your articles as:

Illicit Encounters is a website designed for married people to find a cheating partner. It’s summer, it’s vacation-time, so hey let’s remind everyone that women like to cheat too!

I hit up my Google, too, and can’t seem to find anything related to cheating/vacation/infidelity/travel-type stuff that doesn’t originate from this study. What I did find was this, offered by Huffington Post:

Business travel often provides a cheating spouse the perfect cover for an extramarital affair. They are the most common settings for infidelity, according to “The Normal Bar” by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte; 36 percent of men and 13 percent of women told the authors that they gave into temptation while on a business trip — even if they said they were happily married. An out-of-town trip can allow a cheating spouse the luxury of conducting his or her affair in a location that’s far from the sight of prying eyes.

Back to my friends, I suppose I feel confident because we tend to be sitting cross-legged on beds after dinner, happily chattering away. I would notice someone missing. I have traveled for work with other therapists (one coworker admitted to hooking up at a conference, but she’s single and I don’t travel with her), I’ve traveled with an attorney more than once, and when young moved in a pack with my gym buddies. One of our friends cheated on her fiancé at her bachelorette party (blew the hired driver - why??). I and my roommate at the time were stunned and dismayed. And I believe that’s my lifetime experience of cheating and travel. And the second cheater wasn’t even really traveling, but we were staying in a hotel in the city.

So sure, it happens, and the gap between men and women who cheat is shrinking rapidly, but still. It most often does NOT happen.

My fiancé travels for work (Chicago today) and I trust him implicitly. Naively? Perhaps. But I believe that non-cheaters don’t cheat, and I peg him as a non-cheater.


#30

Little too much TMI Emily …


#31

I very much agree with that.

When we met, one of the first things I asked my wife was “Are you seeing anybody right now?” because for me, that is what sets the tone of the relationship. If the answer was anything indicating yes, then we weren’t going to be serious.

The “Well, sorta, maybe its complicated” type things equate to yes. I think a lot of people are more willing to accept these types of answers though, because they allow enough wiggle room to get what they want at that time, but in the long run they’re just getting in line to be the next “complication”.


#32

Serve 'em dinner at home…


#33

I do. Zero. Zero women try and fail to cheat


#34

Did I ever post about Hockey asking what my intentions were? Ummm, as honorable as they can be given that I’m lying here in bed with you, lol.

I would disagree with you in part, though, Skyz. When I met him I was seeing other people, definitely (if going out on one or two dates constitutes “seeing” somebody). I would have said so if asked, and would have been very sad if he’d pulled away. Or maybe I wouldn’t have been sad, since I didn’t know him yet.

I asked him, several dates in, if he’d ever cheated. He said no. I know that cheaters tend also to be liars, but I believed him. I’ve still never caught him in a lie or an effort to avoid the truth. I recognize in hindsight that the cheaters in my life also regularly displayed inconsistencies. Not necessarily to do with cheating stuff, but just saying what was convenient, I guess, and sometimes it contradicted prior statements.


#35

:wink:

That’s understandable. I don’t consider a couple of dates when someone is untethered to be serious. I knew that the wifey was on the market because she was a fix up from a friend in common, but that question (or ones like it) open up the conversation. I still did a little reconnaissance before getting too attached.


#36

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?


#37

“Netflix and Chill”


#38

Maybe so. Women, however, are fickle. Even cheating ones. Or perhaps especially cheating ones. So they do fail when someone who does not check whatever boxes they seek to check (6 ft+, reasonably good looking, fit, clean, reasonably smart, not drunk, no axe-murderer vibe) is readily at hand.

(Or the ever-present cock-blocking friends with crossed legs don’t let them wander without fear getting caught.)


#39

Maybe it was less infidelity and more crazy tribal torture that made her act weird.


#40

I meant indian-style, not, you know, prudishly crossed. No one was cock-blocked. Maybe my friends vacation alone to look for meaningless hookups with men whose names they won’t remember. It’s hard to tell. But my girlfriend groups, past and present, seem to like hanging together. I know I do. It’s fun. Some random at a bar doesn’t offer enough enticement to split off.