I’m open to counseling but when its been brought up she doesn’t believe in it. I feel like the only way to talk about troubling things with her is with a moderator so it would be good for me.
She is very blunt which can be both good/bad. Its nice to know how she feels but she can be pretty brash sometimes. I feel like she can express how she feels to me everyday if she wants but I try it once a year and next thing you know the divorce word is thrown out. Its like ok…nevermind then.
Yes, and I have told her before. She asks how I love her sometimes and rarely excepts any answer I give her. Every reason I give her is just something I’m suppose to do anyway.
@jayinem
Thanks for sharing. You mentioned this and it resonated with me
This is pretty much the whole roommate relationship I’m talking about. I dunno if simply getting in better shape is the answer to this(and I know it sounds so shallow and I feel guilty), but I did notice that when she dropped the baby weight and then even more for a bit, we did rekindle a little. But then when it got out of hand it pretty much stopped.
I haven’t mentioned a very important thing btw… We have not had full on sex since toward the end of 2019. We fooled around about 3 weeks ago but didn’t make it all the way.
My response was more in regards to lust, and being excited to get it in. That usually falls off a bit. There are not many couples that have been together decades doing it multiple times a day.
A lot of this also sounds very familiar.
In a lot of these conversations/yelling matches we would both spend the majority of time telling each other why the other was wrong.
Her: “You don’t care. You never listen.”.
Me: “Fuck you. I this that and the other. If you think that’s true then there is nothing else to say.”.
So what went wrong there?
Yeah this is really not normal.
I have not much to offer since I’m not married, but to me this doesn’t sound ideal… Sooner or later your frustration and deteriorating well-being will show. You can’t do this forever.
Yeah trust me on this, you’ll enjoy it more.
I’ve definitely been there.
I have a similar situation as you. For first, decide if you want to stay in the relationship or not and consider all of the consequences of divorce.
If you’re in, you’re in 100%.
If you are finding the grass to be greener on the other side, it is time to start watering your own grass. Take care of your appearance, help around the house, read the book “5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. With regards to sex, fake it til you make it, particularly if it is important to her. I think often the low desire partner underestimates how import sex is to the other partner. And I think you 2 should see a councilor.
DON’T cheat. Trust me, don’t. I did. I hurt many people I love with that selfish action. It is my biggest regret.
Have you been checked medically?
Yes and I am slightly hypothyroid and at least some years ago had fairly low testosterone. Getting blood drawn for test next week to see if it ever bounced back permanently.
Dr and I did clomid back in 14-15 and when I checked it several months after it was holding at a little over 500. Still not great but better than the 320-400 range it was in. I really think the levels will be better now and that I have a decent libido. I’ve had issues eating enough and that probably didn’t help my hormone levels.
I don’t think cheating is anything I need to worry about. I just don’t have it in me. Even if I did I’d feel so nervous and guilty I doubt I’d enjoy it.
I’ve been told several times to look into 5 love languages. Guess I should actually read it with an open mind. I feel I’ve tried the fake it till you make it, but I can’t even fake it sometimes.
As per an above post I definitely do my share to help out. And I certainly take care of myself pretty well. I’m up at 5 in the morning every weekday to get my workout in and put time and effort into eating mostly decent food as well. I really hoped to lead by example and maybe one day she’d catch on a little but its just never happened.
Funny you mention the grass is greener. I’ve really tried to make it a point to water my own grass. But at some point no matter what ya do it just wont take! But Imma keep on plugging away at it for now. I do think theres too many consequences for divorce even if its amicable. Really really hope it can work out but who knows. I can’t eat healthy for her or workout for her. I can be an example and encourage her all I want, but shes gotta eventually have the will to do that for herself.
I feel for you. I too “feel” that I do more than my fare share. I provide 100% of income, do all the blue jobs and do many of the pink jobs. And I do this gladly, its really not that hard. And I’m far from perfect at doing these jobs. My point is that from my perspective, I’m doing more than enough and yet I’m sure my wife sometimes feels as though I don’t care. And that is were love languages comes into play. Maybe there could be other actions of love that are more valuable for her.
But that doesn’t seem to be the biggest problem. The biggest problem is your level of attraction to your wife, is this correct? So, apart from faking it, maybe just baby steps together to improve her appearance and health.And bring it up with her. Its tough, but you have another 15 years until your son is 18, more years if you have more kids.
I don’t think this will be much help, but you’re not alone with these types of problems.
I lean toward this as a strong possibility.
@strongmangoals
Didn’t mean to overlook your post!
I’m open to the idea of something holding me back, but I really don’t know what it could be. We don’t want another kid so I am admittedly a little scared of her getting pregnant, but I don’t think that’s really the answer.
Damn, this is a tough situation and a tough thread to read.
First, you have a 3yo kid, do everything you can to make sure he grows up well adjusted. Most of the time, that means keep the family together.
Second, you have a 3yo kid. That means you’ve both been under a ton of stress for the last 3 years and that makes a big difference. It makes a difference in her ability to take care of herself and both of your stress levels.
Third, you need to figure out how to get her into counseling. You also need therapy yourself. Someone who has some expertise in sex therapy because you’re seriously fucked up in that department. Not trying to be mean, just telling you straight.
I’m not a big ‘therapy’ person but you need to be intimate with your wife and have sex with her. I would say “dude, hug and kiss your wife everyday, spoon with her, lay in bed holding hands, have sex at least every other day” but when I read the words you’ve typed I don’t know if that’s possible. You have work to do to get there and you need to start doing that work right away.
Try to see how things are for your wife. She wants more sex and she believes she’s not getting it because she’s gotten fat and you’re not attracted to her. She feels terrible about it and that’s probably why she brings things straight to level ten. Sometimes a good offense is the best defense.
Is there a reason both of you need to be miserable? Why don’t you fake it and at least make her happy? That would be a gift to her, probably a gift to your boy and, in the long run, I bet it would be a gift to yourself too.
@RampantBadger
I try not to ever ask about her weight as I think that wouldn’t be too bright! Lol. But she’s 5ft even and probably at least 180 maybe even close to 200.
She works at home mostly and does do some other things around the house. She does do some decorating, rearranging, and little house projects sometimes.
If we did end up ending at some point I feel pretty strongly that I don’t have to worry about my assets or her stealing my son from me.
Anyway she’s be down for a couple hobby that includes exercise? Mountain biking or hiking? Something like that? Hell even kayaking is a good work out
Regardless if there is a child involved, if someone uses the word “break up” or “divorce” as an ultimatum or leverage then I call their bluff on it. The best thing that could happen with someone like that is an actual breakup. In a way, that kind of behavior she’s engaging in is controlling and gaslighting. Especially the blowing up if you bring up issues.
You could still have low T with normal libido.
Pardon my ignorance, but what are these?
It’s an old school term for “mens jobs” and “womens jobs”. A colleague described them to me the other day and the list went essentially like this:
Pink jobs:
Blue jobs:
You’ll notice pretty quickly that all the pink jobs are daily job that needs to be kept on top of, whereas blue jobs are rare occurrences that in the grand scheme of things don’t take a great deal of time.
I actually disagree. People say stupid shit in an argument, you can’t take it all at face value. I would only agree if it was obvious it was genuinely meant as an ultimatum or threat, in which case you’re right, it’s a massive, massive red flag that you need to lawyer up and get the fuck out.