T Nation

Not Happy in Marriage

Forgive me if I’m a bit discombobulated here, but I’ll do my best. Obviously since I’m posting I’d like responses, but this is also very much a way to just vent.

My wife and I are basically just roommates and I do not have any sexual desire for her. She has always been a little overweight but it just keeps getting worse. There has been flashes here and there with her trying to be healthier, but it never last long and generally she doesn’t really care about what she eats and actually kind of makes fun of exercise.

I will fully admit that I did get myself in this situation. While I’ve gotten a little better over the years, I am far from an alpha male. We had been dating for 2-3 years and were living together when she went with me to family pictures. Well, because we were not actually engaged/married yet, she was not included and it was super awkward. Sitting in the garage afterwards she mentioned that we should take a break. I panicked and said that it just didn’t feel right that she wasn’t in the pictures and I wanted her to marry me…I was scared about what would happen if I was alone again.

Now here I am almost 6 years later with an almost 3yr old boy whom I love more than anything but a non-romantic sexless marriage. I want to be very clear in that I do like many things about my wife. We do not hate each other by any means. Its just that I feel its completely platonic and that we’re both missing out on a true intimate relationship.

Now for some embarrassing personal info… I am 36 and my wife is only the 2nd person I’ve been with but I’ve yet to really enjoy sex ever. Certain positions feel decent and oral can be good, but in general I just don’t get anywhere near this euphoric feeling that so many people seem to get. I feel terrible for admitting this, but unless I’m just insanely horny, I find it repulsive when she touches me and feel violated during sex. I have to concentrate so much to keep it hard and make at least some noise so she thinks I like it.

At this point it would be an easy decision but I have a wonderful boy and don’t know if I could fathom only seeing him 50% of the time or even less while hes growing up. I don’t think I could handle him calling someone else dad. And theres definitely other things that I wouldn’t like but I wont go on.

I guess I just wish I could find out if I could really be happier or not? Instead of feeling repulsed, could I actually have the desire to slam a lover into the wall and just go to town ripping each others clothes off? And I’m not just talking sex, but intimacy in general. I just wanna know If its possible to feel truly loved. To naturally hold hands/kiss and not forcefully. To actually want to tell someone I love them.

This is definitely discombobulated…so I’ll just say one more thing even though I’m sure theres way more that I’m forgetting at the moment. She asked me one time if we would have more sex if she lost weight. In so many words I said I’m not sure lets find out(something like that anyway). I had to take it back because she pretty much just jumped to saying we might as well get a divorce then. And she also told some co-workers/friends and of course they all sided with her and I was the jerk.

Its just so hard to talk with her about anything because she’ll take it to level 10 real quick. I feel like I can’t have serious conversations with her because of this.

Anyway, I think I’m gonna shut up now. I can definitely go more in depth and clarify things if anyone has questions. I know this is jumbled but at least I got to finally vent!!

I think perhaps if you want to stay married, then you should get counseling.

Yes, but feelings fade. Even a very attractive person loses that specialness about them in time. Very few couples have that energy that newer couples have.

Do you think you could regain the attraction to your current wife?

Sorry, not a whole lot to say on the matter.

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Tom brady is even tired of fucking gisele.

Lots to unpack here man and you probably need more than this place can offer you. I will just make a few points.

Let’s start by saying everyone experiences sex a little different and , like drugs or drinking, the talk can be exaggerated. It is what it is.

Onto your partner situation. Sometimes the small things that we focus on can be overwhelming. While the love/attraction thing might always be front of mind you may want to try remind yourself of the good things. Do this often, tell her often.

On the love things, maybe the “fake it” frame is the wrong one? Perhaps you do love her/desire her but have something holding you back which if you got passed would make it feel more comfortable?

@EmilyQ probably has better things to contribute here

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@MightyMouse17 Do you find other women attractive?

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She actually just mentioned this very thing/subject yesterday.

@MightyMouse17

Me and my wife have run into several of the problems you have mentioned, and they came to a head about 6 months after a major health concern. All conversations going straight to 10, the lack of interest/true intimacy (not just sex), and we sought counseling which has helped a great deal.

And kudos on cutting loose with that. That is not an easy thing to even acknowledge let alone address head on like that. :+1:

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I’ll respond to the other posts when I get a chance but this one is important and something I should’ve mentioned.

Yes, I am very attracted to other women. I’m about to go to the gym and obviously many of the women there are enjoyable to look at. I definitely get the urge if you know what I mean.

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There’s your answer.

Maybe, but the fact is that I’ve never had sex with someone that really turned me on, so can’t officially say. But yes, I think it would be likely that I would enjoy it more.

what is your contribution to the marriage and partnership?

This just sounds like the typical marriage to me. :confused:

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Won’t get to post much till tomorrow as I’m home now and would prefer to type.

On the contribution part, I am not perfect, but feel like I do pretty good… Depending on what exactly you mean by contributing.

Emotionally wise I suppose it’s like a typical friendship. We do have some decent conversations about our day and things going on in general. And we like to watch a show or movie when the little one is down for the night.

As far as daily duties, I try to do my share so she can relax some. They’re mainly things for my son.

I change 95% of diapers, feed him every meal, put him to bed every night, and do his laundry every weekend. I make sure the animals always have food and water, and then make sure the litter box doesn’t get out of control.

Not an every night thing, but I will cook her some type of meat for dinner several times a week. I make basically all my meals as well.

She does more straightening up of toys and such and does the dishes most of the time. A variety of other things too but you asked what I contributed so there ya go.

I’ll post more later, gotta get the rice cooking and son to bed!

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Just a thought. Could it be that your wife likes it this way? I know I’m not typical, but this sounds like a dream arrangement to me

Based on your description, it seems that you are contributing a fair bit around the house (more than my dad ever did)

No, she has a pretty high libido actually. Usually it’s the man but it’s the opposite for us I guess. Although I think I have a fairly normal libido, just not sexually attracted to her.

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A lot of guys show that they care by doing stuff. I was in the midst of changing out the brakes and fluid and a whole bunch of other stuff and the wife hits me with “You just don’t care…”.

I hit the freakin roof. Like, I hate automotive mechanical, but I’m doing this so that the car is safe and we aren’t over spending- seeing red, violence level enraged.

Because I care, and that’s how I show it. (one of the ways, anyhow)

Does that sound familiar?

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It’s very difficult. When I was in my 20s I was married and unhappy sexually as well, I worked at a hospital and I’m ashamed to admit it but I cheated on my wife with several different nurses. I felt guilty and told her, she pleaded with me not to leave her and even said I could continue cheating. That made me feel even more guilty and I divorced here. Both our lives took different turns after that, she got re- married and AFAIK has been happily ever since and it’s been over a decade. I had a serious mental condition that landed me in jail (drugs were not involved in case someone assumes this I don’t do drugs) then I would get prostate cancer and diabetes and have not been able to find anyone since I’m like a ghost to women.

But do I sit around boo hooing that I did the wrong thing? No, I won’t say I’ve never had a thought of “it would have just been better for me to stay with her” but while I miss her companionship sometimes I wasn’t ever deeply in love with her. If I didn’t have a dick, everything probably would have been ok unfortunately I do. Overall though I’m probably just better off alone because me and women are like oil and water. While I had an overall decent amount of sexual encounters when I was younger I’m like you OP very few long term relationships and now even the sexual encounters and even dates are gone.

Anyway this is not meant to encourage you to not divorce or to divorce, just telling my story. You never know what will happen though in the future that’s one thing I’ve learned for sure.

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Some initial thoughts…

1.Yeah thats no bueno/normal(at all)
How out of shape is she?

2.You sound like a really good guy but also like her wife. Does she work?

3.Start to look into how to PROTECT YOUR ASSETS😏

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Its the slow train to: guy being miserable/Divorce/cheating on you, depending on his level of balls and morals

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I think you won’t be happy even if she loses weight.

I don’t completely disagree with you, but from what I’ve read and seen playing out, it seems theres a fair share of older couples still in love and bumping uglys lol! I’m sure it takes a lot of work though even with the “perfect” match.

I think its possible to feel even more in love(romantically) than I have with her before but who knows if it’ll happen.