Forgive me if I’m a bit discombobulated here, but I’ll do my best. Obviously since I’m posting I’d like responses, but this is also very much a way to just vent.
My wife and I are basically just roommates and I do not have any sexual desire for her. She has always been a little overweight but it just keeps getting worse. There has been flashes here and there with her trying to be healthier, but it never last long and generally she doesn’t really care about what she eats and actually kind of makes fun of exercise.
I will fully admit that I did get myself in this situation. While I’ve gotten a little better over the years, I am far from an alpha male. We had been dating for 2-3 years and were living together when she went with me to family pictures. Well, because we were not actually engaged/married yet, she was not included and it was super awkward. Sitting in the garage afterwards she mentioned that we should take a break. I panicked and said that it just didn’t feel right that she wasn’t in the pictures and I wanted her to marry me…I was scared about what would happen if I was alone again.
Now here I am almost 6 years later with an almost 3yr old boy whom I love more than anything but a non-romantic sexless marriage. I want to be very clear in that I do like many things about my wife. We do not hate each other by any means. Its just that I feel its completely platonic and that we’re both missing out on a true intimate relationship.
Now for some embarrassing personal info… I am 36 and my wife is only the 2nd person I’ve been with but I’ve yet to really enjoy sex ever. Certain positions feel decent and oral can be good, but in general I just don’t get anywhere near this euphoric feeling that so many people seem to get. I feel terrible for admitting this, but unless I’m just insanely horny, I find it repulsive when she touches me and feel violated during sex. I have to concentrate so much to keep it hard and make at least some noise so she thinks I like it.
At this point it would be an easy decision but I have a wonderful boy and don’t know if I could fathom only seeing him 50% of the time or even less while hes growing up. I don’t think I could handle him calling someone else dad. And theres definitely other things that I wouldn’t like but I wont go on.
I guess I just wish I could find out if I could really be happier or not? Instead of feeling repulsed, could I actually have the desire to slam a lover into the wall and just go to town ripping each others clothes off? And I’m not just talking sex, but intimacy in general. I just wanna know If its possible to feel truly loved. To naturally hold hands/kiss and not forcefully. To actually want to tell someone I love them.
This is definitely discombobulated…so I’ll just say one more thing even though I’m sure theres way more that I’m forgetting at the moment. She asked me one time if we would have more sex if she lost weight. In so many words I said I’m not sure lets find out(something like that anyway). I had to take it back because she pretty much just jumped to saying we might as well get a divorce then. And she also told some co-workers/friends and of course they all sided with her and I was the jerk.
Its just so hard to talk with her about anything because she’ll take it to level 10 real quick. I feel like I can’t have serious conversations with her because of this.
Anyway, I think I’m gonna shut up now. I can definitely go more in depth and clarify things if anyone has questions. I know this is jumbled but at least I got to finally vent!!