T Nation

No Holds Barred Tips To Gain Weight


#1
  1. Load up on simple carbs

The fastest weight gainer out there are simple sugars. Simple sugars put your insulin production in overdrive. Insulin, being one of the most anabolic hormones known to man.
Starchy carbs also help promote weight gain. Potatoes, sweet potatoes, and most types of rice with every meal will ensure a lot of the weight you ingest will stick to you.
I personally also found that increasing starchy carbs/simple sugars also spiked my appetite. The sugar crashes will constantly cause the body to re uptake leptin, and freely allow ghrelin to run rampant.

  1. Schedule meals

If you got class, bring food in tupperware. Whatever situation you're in, you must program and prepare your next day and meticulously schedule when your feed time is.
If you must wake up earlier and sleep later to eat more, so be it.

  1. Eat until you're almost TOO full

Granted, this is not possible in the beginning because you will ALWAYS be full if you're doing this properly. But as you progress, eat enough to full your belly pop out, but enough space for a large sundae. Use this to look forward to your next meal. Gradually, your eating times remain, but the portions increase.

  1. Eat salty.

Salt not only retains water in your system, but also nutrients.
It also makes your food taste better.

  1. Use condiments.

A steak is easier to down with some Peter Luger sauce on it, no? French fries with ketchup, meat loaf with gravy, baked potato with butter, etc.

  1. Drink liquids, only after completing meals.

Feel free to take a small sip so you don't choke, but save the big chug for after the meal. You may drink as much as you want after the meal.

  1. Rest after meals.

Take a nap. Give your body time to process the food. Plus you should be too full to move anyway. This is a tip I've learned from sumo wrestlers... and common knowledge that is overlooked.

  1. Take steroids.

I personally never have, but there are knowledgeable people out there who can point you in the right direction.

  1. Train hard, but rest a lot.

In between sets that is.

  1. Use mountain dew or pepsi for your shakes.

This is a tip I stole from watching Jay Cutler on some show.
And just drink more full sugar soda. Weight will pack on.

  1. Variety

It's easier to eat some red meat with some taters on the side. Even better, add some potato chips, extra butter, fritos, and grape soda with your steak. Sauce it up.

*disclaimer

Everything you see here, except for the gear, I have used myself to gain an exorbitant amount of weight in the past. However, none of these are things I would recommend for anyone trying to be healthy. Proceed with discretion.

BONUS TIP

smoke blunts


#2

Ive got some contributions for the great and wise Jarvan.

Eat 10.5lbs of butter a day.
Replace hamburger buns with donuts
Use a small shovel instead of a spoon or spatula when consuming foods such a potato’s, lasagna, etc

*disclaimer I have used the techniques to bring my squats from 95 to 750lbs, my deadlift to pi^12 kilograms, and my sex appeal to over 9000.


#3

really don’t think steroids should be posted as a “hey newbies, take these to gain weight”. Kinda reinforces the false belief that they “eat everything and never make progress, so I’m ready for steroids” which is what a lot of beginners think after 3 days of “stuffing themselves” by eating all of 2000 calories.

Still amazes me that people think they need some special tricks or strategy to eat 3000-3500 calories. Really, eat 3-4 meals a day and have a shake or something can usually get you there pretty easily provided you aren’t terrified of fats and carbs and don’t only eat chicken and veggies.


#4

[quote]Jarvan wrote:
Everything you see here, except for the gear, I have used myself to gain an exorbitant amount of weight in the past.[/quote]
Can you expand on this in detail?

Unfortunately, I think a lot of your list is shit advice, or tremendously irresponsible at the very least. “Take drugs and eat more crap” is how a lot of beginners could interpret what you wrote, since that’s the gist of 40% of your points. Nothing at all with some junk food/soda/whatever for skinny guys, but Dave Tate’s ‘hourly Hershey bar and oil-drenched pizza’ story (that a 275+ pound powerlifter used to get over 300) should serve more as “inspiration” rather than legit how-to.

Like Staystrong was saying, eating 3-4 actual meals (with protein, fat, and carbs in each) everyday for 14 days straight with no excuses for missing a meal would sort out the majority of people’s “hardgainerness” before having to add tips and tricks to sneak in more calories.

I definitely agree with the digestion-improving stuff though. Very under-rated, but a long forgotten bit of useful info. Whenever I go to a buffet, I always toss some pineapple onto every plate I get, to try kickstarting digestion (bromelain, yay). Lots of old school guys (in the '70s and earlier) also focused on improving digestion, either by not drinking much during a meal, like you mentioned, or resting plenty after a meal, like you mentioned. To this day, Robby Robinson still talks about having mango or papaya everyday.

As far as an actual “no holds barred tip”, I believe a dozen whole eggs a day will help most guys better than a gallon of whole milk a day. Hard boiled, scrambled, over, as egg salad, whatever. 12 whole eggs every day, broken down however’s most efficient, will add plenty of calories, a good bump of quality protein, and a ton of healthy fat. Not too expensive, easy to pick up a new dozen or two at the corner store on the way home from the gym, quick to cook.

Sorry, had to fix that too.


#5

I think one of the biggest things I did for pushing weight gain was eating before bed. It’s an opportunity many miss out on, but it’s a great time to really pack away food because you won’t need to do anything or go anywhere in the near future.

I used to do something stupid like 2 slices of bread, a carton of cottage cheese and a glass of milk. You could be much smarter, but the point remains.


#6

[quote]Jarvan wrote:
Everything you see here, except for the gear, I have used myself to gain an exorbitant amount of weight in the past.[/quote]
I’m sure you know your body better than me but last time I checked you weighed considerably less than my scrawny 190lbs. I’m intrigued where all this exorbitant weight has gone?

[quote]Chris Colucci wrote:
I believe a dozen whole eggs a day will help most guys better than a gallon of whole milk a day. Hard boiled, scrambled, over, as egg salad, whatever. 12 whole eggs every day, broken down however’s most efficient, will add plenty of calories, a good bump of quality protein, and a ton of healthy fat. Not too expensive, easy to pick up a new dozen or two at the corner store on the way home from the gym, quick to cook.
[/quote]

Good for your body, very bad for the air quality. I remember one of my old mentors saying:

“You’re not a real meathead until you’ve had the egg farts so bad your eyes water”


#7

This list is nothing compared to what I had to eat to gain weight as a poor and scrawny kid. If I list my daily diet at that time, it would shock the living hell out of most here.

This is why I only conjugate with lions.


#8

All great diets should have a name. How about “The Dietbetus Diet”


#9

[quote]dt79 wrote:
This list is nothing compared to what I had to eat to gain weight as a poor and scrawny kid. If I list my daily diet at that time, it would shock the living hell out of most here.

This is why I only conjugate with lions.[/quote]

I assumed that those who conjugate with lions would eat raw antelope for the majority of their calories?


#10

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:

[quote]dt79 wrote:
This list is nothing compared to what I had to eat to gain weight as a poor and scrawny kid. If I list my daily diet at that time, it would shock the living hell out of most here.

This is why I only conjugate with lions.[/quote]

I assumed that those who conjugate with lions would eat raw antelope for the majority of their calories?[/quote]

Can’t speak for the others, but I eat honey badgers for breakfast.


#11

[quote]Jarvan wrote:
However, none of these are things I would recommend for anyone trying to be healthy. Proceed with discretion.
[/quote]

I like the thread idea but hate the execution. I know that you acknowledge this with a carefully-placed disclaimer highlighted here, but come on. Can’t we make a much better version of this thread that doesn’t include half of the sucky advice in the first post?

Tips like Punisher’s are really good.

Some of yours are good (or useful but could be improved).

Can we start over and drop stupid shit like telling kids to eat a bunch of junk, and maybe leave the PED discussion to the Steroids forum where it actually belongs? This is the Beginners forum.


#12

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:

[quote]Jarvan wrote:
However, none of these are things I would recommend for anyone trying to be healthy. Proceed with discretion.
[/quote]

I like the thread idea but hate the execution. I know that you acknowledge this with a carefully-placed disclaimer highlighted here, but come on. Can’t we make a much better version of this thread that doesn’t include half of the sucky advice in the first post?

Tips like Punisher’s are really good.

Some of yours are good (or useful but could be improved).

Can we start over and drop stupid shit like telling kids to eat a bunch of junk, and maybe leave the PED discussion to the Steroids forum where it actually belongs? This is the Beginners forum.[/quote]

Or not using fucking soda with your protein shakes…


#13

Oh, and lets not forget to add to Jarvan’s bible:

Why bother taking steroids for weight gain, when you can take prescription neuroleptics, like Seroquel, and put on 60lbs in a year without doing anything!

*Warning, this post contains results you may not be ready to get.


#14

I, for one, am enjoying this thread.


#15

Ok seriously,

  1. Jarvan didn’t write this. He probably didn’t proof read it before posting, hence the reference to gear.

  2. This can work for underweight YOUNG GUYS with ridiculously fast metabolisms and low carb sensitivity to kickstart the habit of stuffing oneself daily. Hopefully, they will slowly be able to cut the junk out gradually once they get used to eating copious amounts of food.

  3. If one is young, scrawny and does not have the finances, he will have to focus on meeting total daily calories with what he can afford. This list at the very least provides some ideas to meet his daily caloric target.


#16

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Oh, and lets not forget to add to Jarvan’s bible:

Why bother taking steroids for weight gain, when you can take prescription neuroleptics, like Seroquel, and put on 60lbs in a year without doing anything!

*Warning, this post contains results you may not be ready to get.[/quote]

You are assuming, from your history, everyone has the same genetic predisposition to fat gain and water retention as you.

I ate rice mixed with lard 3 times a day to gain 30lbs in my teens and still had a 6 pack and obliques. Can you do that?


#17

Neuroleptics change the way the body metabolizes fat. They are some lawsuits against drug companies such as AstraZeneca because of the side effects of these drugs on normal healthy people. My purpose in pointing that out was to draw attention to how absolutely stupid this thread is and how Jarvan routinely gives out crap advice, clearly demonstrating he doesn’t know what he is doing, yet people somehow take him seriously on this site (ask him about his 95lb squat program, that’s my favorite).

Anyway, Im back from the dead because this guy drives me nuts.


#18

[quote]Aero51 wrote:
Neuroleptics change the way the body metabolizes fat. They are some lawsuits against drug companies such as AstraZeneca because of the side effects of these drugs on normal healthy people. My purpose in pointing that out was to draw attention to how absolutely stupid this thread is and how Jarvan routinely gives out crap advice, clearly demonstrating he doesn’t know what he is doing, yet people somehow take him seriously on this site (ask him about his 95lb squat program, that’s my favorite).

Anyway, Im back from the dead because this guy drives me nuts.
[/quote]

Yes, and I am just pointing out the fact that your experiences, while valid, do not represent everyone else. I would never tell someone with a much slower metabolism than mine to eat what I eat and in the same amounts. Nor should you discount the fact that SOME people with fast metabolisms may benefit from pushing the envelope a bit with regard to their diets.

This is also age related. At my present age it would not be possible for me to get away with how I ate in my teens unless I am willing to pile on the fat. Younger guys can get away with a lot of things.

I feel Jarvan’s intentions were to help those self-proclaimed hardgainers around here, even if some of the things in his post were rather misguided.


#19

I feel like there is a lot of good potential in this thread. It would be a good idea for us to share any techniques we have. There are plenty of other places to argue.

-I found a lot of success with Wendler’s “Drink a protein shake after a meal” approach. Liquid calories go down pretty easily, and are an easy way to add up.

-I’ve done the gallon of milk a day thing, and it operates on the same above principle. You can always squeeze in a glass of milk.

-On that topic, seriously, make it a glass of milk. I find that drinking from the jug/carton makes the task seem too Herculean. Your mind thinks “this is HUGE, there is no way I can drink this!” If you pour in it a glass, you can watch is disappear much faster, and it’s easier psychologically. Just keep pouring it out.

-On THAT topic, I find I can drink more/faster through a straw. Whenever I’ve needed to rehydrate after weigh ins, drinking from a straw made it so that I got less bloated/sickly. I imagine it’s because you take in less air, as long as the straw is always submerged in liquid.

I’ll post more when I can think of them. The highest I ever pushed my bodyweight to was 217 at 5’9. These days I’m around 198.


#20

When I was in Uni, I would cook a shitload of pasta with 600g of ground beef and 10 chicken franks when I got home in the evening. I would store it in a large salad bowl in the fridge and gradually finish eating it all in 5-6 small meals throughout the night. Every hour or so, I would just go to the fridge, fill a plate with 1 serving, mix it with pasta sauce and microwave it.