New Life, How?

[quote]Edevus wrote:
My situation was certainly not as yours, but I started a new life by moving to a different country. Being away from everything and everyone was what I really needed to “start living”.

I think that this feeling of freedom can do a great deal of good things to a person. [/quote]

I did the same!

While I thankfully did not face the death of a child, most of the rest of it happened to me, plus getting saddled with debt.

I think the first step is to examine yourself. It sounds dumb, but I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted out of the rest of life, now that about half of it was over. Think about what it would take to make you happy. What kind of work would you want to do? What kind of people would you want to be around? (I mean friends and coworkers, too – not just a lover.) Where would you like to live, if you could pack up and move?

The more you can nail those things down, the more you can go after them. In a way, it’s similar to training. You can flounder around without any clear goals. That’s still probably better than doing absolutely nothing, but it also won’t lead to progress. Or, you can formulate goals and pursue a plan to get there. I did the latter. Once I got going pursuing what I wanted and what I recognized as good for me, I almost surprised myself with the persistance and dedication I put into it.

I’m not saying that everything is perfect for me now, but I’m definitely happier than at any time since childhood. I have a girlfriend I genuinely enjoy being around, one that is the kind of person I aspire to be. I have plenty of work that is fulfilling and that I’m naturally good at. And, I get to live in an exciting city that feels like home to me. The next step is to use the extra money I’m making to vanquish my remaining debts.

Look, the fact that you’re even thinking about starting over is a good sign. Some people are so stuck in a rut they don’t even see the rut anymore. Just hang in there. Come up with a plan – your plan, not someone else’s – and start taking active steps to get where you want to go. Just beginning to move in a new direction will start to improve your outlook, and that in turn will add further fuel to your efforts.

[quote]BobParr wrote:

[quote]Edevus wrote:
My situation was certainly not as yours, but I started a new life by moving to a different country. Being away from everything and everyone was what I really needed to “start living”.

I think that this feeling of freedom can do a great deal of good things to a person. [/quote]

I did the same!

While I thankfully did not face the death of a child, most of the rest of it happened to me, plus getting saddled with debt.

I think the first step is to examine yourself. It sounds dumb, but I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted out of the rest of life, now that about half of it was over. Think about what it would take to make you happy. What kind of work would you want to do? What kind of people would you want to be around? (I mean friends and coworkers, too – not just a lover.) Where would you like to live, if you could pack up and move?

The more you can nail those things down, the more you can go after them. In a way, it’s similar to training. You can flounder around without any clear goals. That’s still probably better than doing absolutely nothing, but it also won’t lead to progress. Or, you can formulate goals and pursue a plan to get there. I did the latter. Once I got going pursuing what I wanted and what I recognized as good for me, I almost surprised myself with the persistance and dedication I put into it.

I’m not saying that everything is perfect for me now, but I’m definitely happier than at any time since childhood. I have a girlfriend I genuinely enjoy being around, one that is the kind of person I aspire to be. I have plenty of work that is fulfilling and that I’m naturally good at. And, I get to live in an exciting city that feels like home to me. The next step is to use the extra money I’m making to vanquish my remaining debts.

Look, the fact that you’re even thinking about starting over is a good sign. Some people are so stuck in a rut they don’t even see the rut anymore. Just hang in there. Come up with a plan – your plan, not someone else’s – and start taking active steps to get where you want to go. Just beginning to move in a new direction will start to improve your outlook, and that in turn will add further fuel to your efforts.
[/quote]

Exactly, excellent post.

I didn’t start to be happy until I started to do things that are what make me happy. This sounds natural and obvious…but it’s not so much.

The way I like to do things clashes with the “common”. If you follow SAMA, you may see how I tend to disagree with the approach that most guys suggest for some problems. That’s just an example.

Michael Jackson had some things to say. And I don’t give a shit who you are, this is fucking pump up music, plain and simple.

I’ve been through some pretty awful shit, and handled it mostly by drinking.

Don’t do what I did.

But, in my experience, you just put your head down and keep living life. The pain of nearly anything will fade out in time. The memories don’t, of course… but you have to make a concerted effort to know where to put those - bury them.

I failed in handling my own tragedies. I let the world harden my heart too much. Whatever you do, don’t let that happen to you.

Great replies fellows. I was asking the question after me and a close friend had a talk about how one renews his life. His wife cheated on him about a year ago and it still bothers him. And like him I went through some of those events I originally posted that all have happened in the last 5 yrs.
On the notion of asking strangers I knew some of guys had dealt with issues as well and well the ones I had hoped to post did with great advice.

[quote]jre67t wrote:
Great replies fellows. I was asking the question after me and a close friend had a talk about how one renews his life. His wife cheated on him about a year ago and it still bothers him. And like him I went through some of those events I originally posted that all have happened in the last 5 yrs.
On the notion of asking strangers I knew some of guys had dealt with issues as well and well the ones I had hoped to post did with great advice.
[/quote]

One thing I made sure and did when I went back out into the world to date women.

I searched for a woman the exact opposite of my X. Studies show that over 80% (I know, I know studies right) of people get involved with people just like their X. Old familiar traits etc.

[quote]FightinIrish26 wrote:
I’ve been through some pretty awful shit, and handled it mostly by drinking.

Don’t do what I did.

But, in my experience, you just put your head down and keep living life. The pain of nearly anything will fade out in time. The memories don’t, of course… but you have to make a concerted effort to know where to put those - bury them.

I failed in handling my own tragedies. I let the world make harden me too much. Whatever you do, don’t let that happen to you.[/quote]

^ this is what I do also -

pain and suffering go hand-in-hand with pleasure and Peace. Embrace them both when you can, and know that these are the things that mold you and prepare you for the future.

my $.02

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]jre67t wrote:
Great replies fellows. I was asking the question after me and a close friend had a talk about how one renews his life. His wife cheated on him about a year ago and it still bothers him. And like him I went through some of those events I originally posted that all have happened in the last 5 yrs.
On the notion of asking strangers I knew some of guys had dealt with issues as well and well the ones I had hoped to post did with great advice.
[/quote]

One thing I made sure and did when I went back out into the world to date women.

I searched for a woman the exact opposite of my X. Studies show that over 80% (I know, I know studies right) of people get involved with people just like their X. Old familiar traits etc.

[/quote]

Yep, this is another area where self-reflection comes in handy.

Example: my grandfather died young of cirrhosis from heavy drinking. My widowed grandmother then met a new guy and she used to complain about how her boyfriend drank too much! The rest of the family sort of shook their heads whenever she brought up the subject, wondering why the hell she would have chosen another drinker, especially when that behavior obviously bothered her. They dismissed her whining as being entirely her own fault for repeating the same mistake. This kind of thing happens a lot, with both sexes.

[quote]BobParr wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]jre67t wrote:
Great replies fellows. I was asking the question after me and a close friend had a talk about how one renews his life. His wife cheated on him about a year ago and it still bothers him. And like him I went through some of those events I originally posted that all have happened in the last 5 yrs.
On the notion of asking strangers I knew some of guys had dealt with issues as well and well the ones I had hoped to post did with great advice.
[/quote]

One thing I made sure and did when I went back out into the world to date women.

I searched for a woman the exact opposite of my X. Studies show that over 80% (I know, I know studies right) of people get involved with people just like their X. Old familiar traits etc.

[/quote]

Yep, this is another area where self-reflection comes in handy.

Example: my grandfather died young of cirrhosis from heavy drinking. My widowed grandmother then met a new guy and she used to complain about how her boyfriend drank too much! The rest of the family sort of shook their heads whenever she brought up the subject, wondering why the hell she would have chosen another drinker, especially when that behavior obviously bothered her. They dismissed her whining as being entirely her own fault for repeating the same mistake. This kind of thing happens a lot, with both sexes.

[/quote]

Yes sir that is why I did not specify gender in my comment, its human nature. You become comfortable with a certain personality trait, so you seek that out when the old one is broken.

Yeah Fighting Irish I hit the bottle for a while luckily I only touch it every once in a while. As I stated a close friend is still in the dumps somewhat and I am trying to get him to workout. This led me to thinking how would one rate the following, Physical state, Mental state, Spiritual state and Emotional state along with any other you fellas can think of.
Bob and Derek great advice. By the way hopefully nobody see’s it as a pity party. I am normally always positive in life. Life has always been great to me but those situations that happened where out of my control. Usually things always fall my way. It reminds me of when people say well that will never happen to me, then it does happen.

Time will give you the gift of perspective which hopefully leads to some wisdom. Try to avoid the victim mentality and fervently believe that if it doesn’t kill you, it was meant to make you stronger. Life will knock you down and kick the shit out of you if you let it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Be honest with yourself and about your capabilities and set some goals. Do something every day to move towards them. Sometimes a developmental detour is necessary, so if you need it, take it - just don’t lose sight of the big picture.

I’ve found that sitting alone in a room with nothing but a notepad and a pencil is more effective than most things you can do or read. If you look outward, you may find ideas, direction and inspiration, but those things are fleeting and are easily overcome by habit. If you look inward you will find YOUR truth, YOUR strength. Whatever that is (trust me, it’s there).

I’d like to write more, but I gotta go to work (life kicked me in the nuts recently with my career, so now I have to go to a JOB… FML) LOL.

This calls for a song…
Instructions are in the lyrics :slight_smile:

[quote]FightinIrish26 wrote:
I’ve been through some pretty awful shit, and handled it mostly by drinking.

Don’t do what I did.

But, in my experience, you just put your head down and keep living life. The pain of nearly anything will fade out in time. The memories don’t, of course… but you have to make a concerted effort to know where to put those - bury them.

I failed in handling my own tragedies. I let the world harden my heart too much. Whatever you do, don’t let that happen to you.[/quote]

The world didn’t harden your heart, it just beat you down. You got a lot of rounds ahead of you.

< - - - - - - - - - Stalking Yo Momma - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -``-!

[quote]Edgy wrote:

< - - - - - - - - - Stalking Yo Momma - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -``-![/quote]

You seem to be feeling a little better.

[quote]jre67t wrote:
Skyzyks thanks and I completely understand your message. It is one of those things where it is easier said then done. It is kind of hard for me to respond without me giving out to much personal info. Im not in legal trouble though sometimes I wish I was, since it easier to deal with than with familia issues.
And your right slowly but surely works but where does the ignition start? Working out helps out and counseling is out of the question for now. Maybe im just too stubborn for now.
Glad to see your doing well sir. [/quote]

Oh, I know fully and well that it is easier said than done.

Ignition or the impetus for change begins when the pain of continuing the same way exceeds the fear of changing.

I’m a pretty stubborn sombitch myself, and have had to do this with numerous behaviors, faulty conclusions, and decisions to take action for quite a while now.