T Nation

New Life, How?


#1

How does one begin anew in life? When a person has gone thru almost every bad thing that life can throw at you, death of kids, money issues, cheating, divorce, war so on and so on. Things of that sort. Where does one start. Yes there are many variables but Im talking the complete dumps that man can go thru. Yes there are the typical answers of man up and so on. I know some of yall have done it but how did it change and when did the mentality change?


#2

Slowly but surely. I experienced a lot of pain, loss, and wrecked my life pretty darn good until the age of 27. At that point some legal intervention convinced me that something had to change. I was fortunate that there was already an established program to do what I had to do and some good people to show me how to do it.

Look into what ever resources for counseling may be available to you. Work diligently and be patient with your self.

The changes in mentality have taken years and occasionally rear its head again in times of stress. I haven't reverted to my previous actions though, which helps. Having picked up some better coping skills, life tools, or what ever they are called helps a lot too.


#3

While I only get a glimpse of you from your posts here, it sounds like you've done a great job.


#4

Skyzyks thanks and I completely understand your message. It is one of those things where it is easier said then done. It is kind of hard for me to respond without me giving out to much personal info. Im not in legal trouble though sometimes I wish I was, since it easier to deal with than with familia issues.
And your right slowly but surely works but where does the ignition start? Working out helps out and counseling is out of the question for now. Maybe im just too stubborn for now.
Glad to see your doing well sir.


#5

Why is counseling out of the question? Insurance issues.

I have in the past cut off all contact with 'friends' who were not good for me. It is difficult, but can be done. Moving helps.

Family is more difficult.


#6

Yeah Christine it might be about money and such but more importantly I am a Hispanic. Like you stated it, friends are easy to avoid, daughters who you love and need you are not. Along with a baby momma willing to wish you dead as well. Anything with family is complicated.
Also I never really thought about counseling and is it really helpful? I just cannot see myself sitting on a couch talking to a stranger. Must be my Hispanic culture. Though I would not put it out of the question, since yall have mentioned it.
Before some of yall gals and pals blast me, it is a situation where I need advice from those who are not personally involved if that makes any sense to yall. I just wanna hear how yall came thru it.


#7

I have used counseling and have found it to be very beneficial. Talking to someone with no agenda really does help. I also got lucky and was able to find someone who was recommended to me and turned out to be great.

Sorry that your daughter's mother and you aren't getting along, and I really have no experience with anything like that.

Good luck.


#8

Thanks Christine its not about me and the mother. It pretty much is how about one gets out of a deep rut in life. I now Ill get out of it, I just want it to happen sooner than later. It is a whole lot worse than that. Think Johnny Cash, Hurt.
Hopefully you will never go thru that drama of kids Christine. Its the worst.


#9

My situation was certainly not as yours, but I started a new life by moving to a different country. Being away from everything and everyone was what I really needed to "start living".

I think that this feeling of freedom can do a great deal of good things to a person.


#10

Why are you asking strangers on the internet for advice if you won't see a counselor because you don't want to talk to a stranger?

I have no idea how to start a new life, I just thought that was pretty funny but if I had to guess, it begins with a few paradigm shifts, different decisions and thought patterns leading to new outcomes and the discipline to not let the "negative" keep or grab a new foothold.

This is pretty much the mentality to build anything and I would assume a new life is included. External influences can no doubt help bring about a new paradigm or two.

Shit exists in the world. The further you stick your neck out to live the more you find, along with the good. Business, family, life, entertainment et cetera. You just have to be able to focus on the good and handle the shit then let it roll. Family would be tough as emotions make black and white hard to see but you have to call your shots sometimes. If a mountain doesn't budge when you push on it you are probably wasting your time, even if you love the mountain. If it does budge... but that's another story.

As they say, "if you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always got".

EDIT: I once left a sweet job to build a business and almost instantly regretted it. My cocky self thought it would be a breeze and as my money dwindled and and didn't become MoneyBags overnight I felt like a horses ass. It was horrible.

Made it hard to focus, to see the big picture of my goal, to follow my plan breaking it down blah blah blah. I thought I was headed for the MBA gutter.

I read a book I found to be very helpful, you might like it too. It's called "Napoleon Hills Keys to Positive Thinking, Ten Steps to Health, Wealth and Success".

It has a business undertone but is applicable otherwise. It certainly helped me remember my resolve, shift thinking and today I'm a successfull business owner. I bet it can help you with your humps too if you put it in to practice.


#11

Only advice I can give is focus on healing yourself so that you can be a more complete person for those who need you. The idea of a new life is a misnomer. As Skyzyks says, it takes time. I had the chance to "start anew" cutting myself off from some family and friends but they come back at quiet times, especially at night.

Getting comfortable with the decisions I have made is the best thing I can do. But life always leaves breadcrumbs in your soul, sometimes song birds get them and sing pretty, sometimes it vultures that look ugly and stink of death. They may seek to get eaten but they are always still there.


#12

As some have said it all starts with changing your thought patterns.

Churchill said it best "the only thing one has control over is his attitude to the situations life throws up."

I'm paraphrasing.

But I would suggest reading a few biographies. See how other peoples attitudes towards troubles in their life shaped them. This should help you change your mentality, which will change your life.


#13

I have no idea how to tell someone to love "do overs" or to be positive or hopeful.

It seems like you either are that kind of person or you aren't. :-/

It feels like I am telling you how to have blue eyes or something.

Are you normally a positive person but your life just sucks right now?

edit Just reread you first post.

You mentioned "death of kids", is this something you are dealing with? Or was it just an example?


#14

I went from pessimistic/depressive to super optimistic.

It's something that can be learned. Sometimes I have random negative thoughts and I make fun of myself and exaggerate them, like, "Did you really think that? Ok, don't worry, I'm sure you got cancer as well".

I actually have to thank a friend for showing me how this was done.


#15

You can totally change outlooks.

Positivity, drive, tenacity et cetera are innate personality traits for some for sure but habits that ultimately lead to a new outlook can be formed by anyone choosing to exercise discipline.

You can't choose to change your eye color. You can choose to spend time with person x instead of person y, you can choose to go out and meet people or choose to sit alone at home wallowing in old thoughts et cetera. The thinking will only change after the action. The cart does lead the horse so to speak.

Winning can become just as much a habit as losing. How well you play your "game" is up to the individual and decisions made. Most people just can't see the other side when they feel buried, which is where outside help can be beneficial. For me it was entrepreneurship mentors and trusted friends. For him a counselor probably would be smart.


#16

Well I'm not disagreeing with the idea that you can change into a positive person or whatever, I'm just undecided. It seems like a big change. I mean I get life knocking you around (and that can change how you see thing temporarily) but that eventually you get back to your normal self after some time/healing/etc.

Will think about it.


#17

It takes time, patience and work, but trust me, it can be done.

To be honest, moving away from my home was the best thing I have ever done in my life and it let me find my own "self", my path, my happiness. Positivism helped me to reach it, not the other way around.


#18

Doing is better than thinking.

Read this book and do the exercises enclosed, the way they are laid out. Nevermind the business undertones, it is easily applied to pretty much anything.


#19

As a father of Hispanic children and divorced I know what you are going through believe me.

"I just cannot see myself sitting on a couch talking to a stranger."

What are you doing on here? Not being a dick, but humans need comfort and solace from other humans. You are doing that on here, the right counselor will be that ear to let you have your cathartic release.

Your human, your fallible, your not omnipotent there is nothing wrong admitting that. So that is your first step, then you take the next. DO right for your children above and beyond any personal feelings.


#20

If someone who was 200# overweight, smoked, drank, ate fast food for every meal and didn't so much as walk to the mailbox asked you how they could get 6 pack abs, what would you tell them?

Would you say it could happen in a month? Would you tell them it would be easy to change all of their bad habits? Do you expect them to be able to change everything all at once?

No. You tell them it is a process. You read (even the things you don't completely understand) and eventually you learn. You make a small change today and then another one tomorrow. Trying to fix everything all at once is a recipe for disaster as a little slip is going to make you feel like a failure and give up.

You don't beat yourself up for having that donut. You recognize it happened. Try to figure out why it happened and work towards not doing it again. Then, one day your pants are looser. And then you realize you aren't winded when you take the stairs. You stop craving fast food. And eventually you see those top two abs and can't even imagine how you lived your life fat and lazy.

It takes more than turning a switch in your head. Be patient with yourself but never stop moving towards your goal.

And to keep with the metaphor... counselors are like trainers; there are some very good ones out there but unfortunately there are a lot more bad ones. Don't settle for someone who doesn't work for you. Keep searching until you find someone you trust can help you.

Good luck.