T Nation

New Contest

New T-mag contest. I don’t work for Biotest, but the winner will receive a jug of Power Drive. I’ve already eaten all of it, but the empty container smells orangey enough that you will get a pre-workout rush.

What is the WORST training/dieting advice that you could give a newbie or even a mediocre bodybuilder? Bonus points if it sounds like something you would read in Flex.

I would like to begin by letting you all in on a little secret. Inside each bottle of Tribex500 is a white packet. This packet is what really contains the “flavones and saponins” that will boost your testosterone levels sky high! Discard those funny blue pills. Eat the white anabolic packet or make tea with it. Maximize your gains today! Real bodybuilders would walk across broken glass for this anabolic MEGA SECRET.

Just in case there are any 12 year old boys on the board with Forest Gump level IQ’s, Rafael is joking about the “anabolic packet.” Please do not eat it. The real anabolic secret is, of course, contained within the popcorn-like packing material in which Biotest products are shipped. I munch on those little foam suckers all damned day.

Okay, I’m kidding again. Seriously, that’s a fun question, Rafael. I’ll back that up with a full bottle of Power Drive if anyone wants to answer it. Rafael and I will pick one winner in a week or so.

I think the worst advice I would give to a newbie is exactly the kind of stuff I would read in bodybuilding mags when I was younger…i.e. if you want to get bigger like the pros, eat and train like the pros! This means eating 5000 calories a day (McDonalds? Burger King? Go for it! Your muscles can’t tell the difference!) Train like a madman, every day, doing 15-20 sets per bodypart…hitting some bodyparts twice a week! Don’t worry that these pros are stacked on so many different drugs that they need to rent their own pharmacy…just mimick their training and eating habits, with the help of Joe Weider’s Super Mega Mass 10,000 Weight Gainer, and the muscle will grow faster than Superman flying on MD6! Don’t worry about bodyfat deposition, because you’ll be doing cardio every other day to ‘burn the fat off’!!!

Stock up on HMB—it feels like deca!

This is true, I swear. Every gym has a local retard. well at the local gym, our budding Arnold was always looking for the "secrets’ of bodybuilding for the non existent show he was going in. A guy who went in a few shows told him to eat peanut butter. Alot of peanut butter.Like two jars a day. Now remember , he would never take good common sense advice from anyone. He wnet on the pb plan. He was told that Lee Labrada did it before the Olympia and did great. Well when he ate the pb, he got constipated big time. He went and asked the bodybuilder what the problem was. He said. “my stomach hurts and I’m constipated big time. What’s the problem?” My friend said the problem was that he didn’t want it bad enough> ROLF time. the next one was when they taught him to raise t levels. He was informed that the best way to raise your testosterone was to ingest… semen. The dumbass asked if it tasted bad. My friends said not if you mixed it with crushed up bananas. Well he came in next time after evoreybody knew about "the secretthe “secret”. He winked at my buddy and said “the secret” when some women were around. He never figured out why they were crawling on the floor laughing.
So my fake advice is eat a jar or two of peanut butter a day and whack off and swallow your own load, our local gym legend did.

The more you train each bodypart the bigger you will become.

ALL you need is protein to build muscle.

First i’d want you to do is workout at least 3-4hours pr. training day. Any less and it will not be enough volume to release enough GH! You might stop and use breaks, please chat about 90% of the training time… but spread the chat over the 3-4hours. You’ll allso have to train 8 times a week. Since there is only 7 days pr. week, you can do two workouts pr day some of the days…
Then i want you to use as much weight as you can think of. Benching all the way down will make you lose poundage, and if you must do, at least bounce the bar at the bottom(In a smith machine). In curls and such apply the same principle. Try swing with your whole body, then you can use more weight, which means more muscles! But still, you must be able to do about 20 reps of these. Allso drop the weight as fast as possible so you can add even more weight. And don’t stop at the end, since then you can use elastic energy. And we all need more energy right?
Allso you need to spend 200$ pr week on supplements. But spend it all on the good fast acting stuff like HMB, dibencozide and 10999-androdion a guy like richard simmons have made. Don’t take protein and creatine since these are what “normal” people use. Eat 95% carbs, 2% protein, 3% fat.
Eat as little as possible to not gain any fat while bulking. In fact, don’t eat at all as long as you can, since this is proven to increase GH enourmesly! Always try to lose fat while building muscle. Doing both once is nesecary. Try to do just one thing, is impossible.
And last you must never take a vacation and train like this your entire life. Do NOT change your workouts. And if you suck satans dick you might become as big as those guys in the muscle mags (…Or was it Joe Weider…?)
-Train hard (light but for long time)-

This is a really great conversation! Our gym actually has trainers who push MMUSA’s creatine serum, calling it “great stuff” and exclaiming abotu the “wonderful gains” they’ve made with it–everyone knows it has less than 1% of its label claim, and the rest is creatinine waste product.

  1. If you want to be able to walk 20 years from now, you must do leg press instead of squats because squats are bad for your joints.

  2. If you eat a ridiculous amount of protein such as 1.0 g/lb body weight it is bad for your liver and kidneys.

i guess those aren’t really secrets, but believe it or not i was told and believed both of them the first couple of years i started lifting.

Geez, I don’t think anyone can top irondoc’s peanut butter and semen diet advice.

Knowing that irondoc already won this here contest outright already, the worst advice I’ve ever heard was that the muscle needs to be hit from every angle possible, every single workout. You gotta do incline bench, flat bench and decline bench. Of course you have to follow that with dumbbells on each of those devices to “shape” your muscles. That must be the Weider Multiple Angle Principle. Or was it the Weider Muscle Belly Shaping with Dumbbells Vice Compound Movements Which are Strictly for Mass Principle?

If you want to stay in a chronically catabolic state, you can’t go wrong with any of the Weider Principles.

The three best rules to live by if you are new to the iron game are:

  1. Get on the juice as soon as possible. The sooner your on the faster you will get to your goal.
  2. It’s all about how much you can lift. Don’t worry about bouncing the bar or how far you go as long as there massive amounts of weight. Going dowm two inches with 400 lbs. on squats will give you better gaines than doing full squats with 135 lbs.
  3. Don’t worry about what you eat. Your working out hard so nothing will be turned to fat.

Four words:

Buy his books, get the brand new free supplement book, buy his HMB, and most importantly: do the Body for Life Challenge

This may not be the WORST or funniest advise but its a true story. I started lifting with free weights at home, 3-4 times a week, by myself. After 6 months of this, I decided to venture out to a local gym to get a change of scenery. A personal trainer was giving me the Introduction/Evaluation and told me to work the resistance and cardio machines ONLY, because free weights were dangerous for beginners and only to be used by very experienced lifters. Also, do cardio for 45 minutes, 5 days a week and follow a low-fat diet. Cardio bores me to tears and I prefer to curb carbs. Needless to say, I did not purchase his 10-sessions of personal training he hawked at me for 20 minutes.

Heavy weights and low reps build bulk while light weights and high reps make you ripped.

Do a complete 180 degree spin on your diet and shock your body to eating a strict program of bland and healthy foods instead of a regimen of eating tasty junkfood liberaly.Remember if it tastes good it’s not good for you.

Rest is only for wimps, try to get in the gym as much as possible.If you’re still sore from the previous workout, have a
“light day”.Increase your workout time gradually until you can lift weights for several hours a day.

Last but not least, supplements are at least 80 percent of your success rate.

Actually overheard at a gym-" Don’t worry about the form, just lift the weight!"

I ll just repeat the workout I was instructed to do at the first gym I ever joined,almost 25 years ago.
5 sets of 10 on all excercises 3 or 4 times a week.
Flat bench,incline bench,decline bench,DB bench,
flyes,pulldowns, barbell rows,straight bar curls,concentration curls.When I asked about doing legs I was told I could “throw in some squats or leg presses between sets every now and then”.You would think they were putting me on but alot of the gym members were actually doing this workout,and the guy that designed it actually looked pretty big,to me anyway. I was 16,5’4" and weighed 130.I was told I should
drink a couple of milk shakes a day.Not the most sound advice I’ve ever gotten but I was grateful
to be able to lift and I still am.

This is the worse advice I can give a beginner.

  1. Read all the major muscle mags for advice. The pros know what they are talking about. Follow their workouts and nutrition tips!

  2. Eat everything if you want to grow. McDonald’s, KFC, ice cream, pizza and whatever else you like. You need food and plenty of calories. It doesn’t matter where they come from!

  3. Use isolation exercises! If you want an awesome physique, you have to hit all the bodyparts with isolation exercises. Concentration curls, triceps kickbacks, leg extensions, lat pulldowns, dumbbell flyes, lateral raises, etc! The basics are for powerlifters. You want to be muscular and cut, so stick to isolation exercises.

  4. Machines are better than free weights because they are easier to balance. They also isolate the muscles better (see #3).

  5. Work out every day. It’s not the rest days that make you grow. It’s every damn day you are in the gym pumping up your muscles! Think about it. When are your muscles big and hard? When you’re working them!!! Rest is for pussies.

  6. Go for the burn! If it doesn’t burn, then you aren’t training hard enough. It has to be intense. Grunt, growl, slap your partner in the face! Do whatever you have got to do to make the workout intense! Intensity has nothing to do with the amount of weight in regards to your one-rep max. It is all about how hard you are training!!! So go for the burn baby!

  7. Who needs variety? Just go in the gym and hit the weights! Who cares if you’ve been doing flat bench presses for years! If you’re not going up in weight, it’s because you’re not working hard enough.

  8. Goals? Your goal is to get big! That takes a lot of food and getting your ass to the gym. Forget about gaining a pound or two this week! Think about how big you’ll be in a few months after all this training.

  9. Planning. Look, you don’t need a plan. You already know what you want. You want to get big and ripped! So just go in the gym and make up your workout while you’re there! Besides, that’s all the variety you need. And it will keep you motivated to get as big as Paul Dillet or one of the other pros!

  10. Supplements. That’s right, we covered training and eating. Now it’s time to add some quality supplements to your regimen. Forget about all this biotest stuff. C’mon, do you think “Grow” is gonna make you grow? And what about this Nandrosol? That stuff is for girls. If you really want to get big, you need quality stuff. Go for Heavyweight Gainer 9000, Mega Mass 5 million, Paradeca, and anything that sounds like a real steriod. The injectible stuff like synthol will make your arms huge!

Hey, I’ve heard that Hot Stuff is using it’s original “special” formula. And you know you can’t get big without some good ole Hot Stuff.

That's all there is to it. Follow my 10 steps, and you'll be the biggest, baddest, dumbest guy in the gym! -

Nate Dogg

Here’s the best (worst) advice I can give a newbie. Don’t eat, since eating will make you fat. Watch bdy shaping everyday and get go to the gym and follow every one of their routines. Hey, if it works for that little girl with the big silicone chest then why not for you?


If you want to gain any size or cut down to 4% bf, subscribe to weight watchers! They are true dieticians, while your at it don’t forget to stock up on Antler velvet, chitosan, and any other german/russain secret formula from cold war olympic experiments…