Nice!
[quote]jjackkrash wrote:
Eliminating wasted words is solid advice. I’ve read where Hemingway apologized once for writing a 20-page letter because he didn’t have time to edit it to two.
[/quote]
Hemingwway is my literary hero for that very reason.
I absolutely adore his writing style.
[quote]mrclean85 wrote:
I might just use one of your revisions verbatim. [/quote]
lol
And so, just like that, mrclean dons his catsuit and fuck me pumps and begins the walk of shame to orion’s apartment.
I will lower the price to 99 cents and edit the sentence in question. Remember that Amazon Prime members can download for free.
Taken from the thread in pwi:
[quote] mrclean85 wrote:
There is no typo. Please specify.[/quote]
“to close to home” should be “too close to home”.
to, too, two etc.
Not trying to be too critical :), but if you want money for that you need to proof read. The last couple of sentences of the expanded view are all messed up with the your world our government stuff.
Something I’ve done when creating work for public viewing is to NEVER fall in love with it or think that you’ve got it in the bag. Get another set of eyes on it.
Thank you all for your critiques.
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Something I’ve done when creating work for public viewing is to NEVER fall in love with it or think that you’ve got it in the bag. Get another set of eyes on it.
[/quote]
Yup. Revise, revise, revise. Writing is revision. Revise once for content, once for grammar/punctuation, again for structure. Then read that shit backwards. Then just when you think you’ve got it perfect, give it to someone else who will rip it to shreds.
“world or how about” should be “world, or about”
“lead to the slaughter” should be “led to the slaughter”
“here such that we are” should be “here, such as that we are”
“to close to home” should be “too close to home”
“The first and in my opinion one of the most pressing realities which I am going to shed light on are those which our government distort for their own means and in turn exploit the average citizen as a result.”
Should be…
…well, it should be taken out and shot, really, considering how severely you’ve tortured that poor sentence already.
Let’s try to save it, shall we?
“The most important realities I’ll address are those which the government distorts for its own purposes, exploiting the citizens in the process.”
I could go on, but you get the idea.
I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that your first draft was also your final draft, and that your editor was also yourself. It shows.
You need an actual editor, my friend, if you want your book to sound like anything other than a high school senior’s social studies essay.
At very least, you need to give your manuscript to someone who knows English grammar and syntax (and not just a “simple and hardworking American”), who can correct your errors and give you honest critique.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if you want to get paid for writing, you need to improve your work.
[quote]Varqanir wrote:
“world or how about” should be “world, or about”
“lead to the slaughter” should be “led to the slaughter”
“here such that we are” should be “here, such as that we are”
“to close to home” should be “too close to home”
“The first and in my opinion one of the most pressing realities which I am going to shed light on are those which our government distort for their own means and in turn exploit the average citizen as a result.”
Should be…
…well, it should be taken out and shot, really, considering how severely you’ve tortured that poor sentence already.
Let’s try to save it, shall we?
“The most important realities I’ll address are those which the government distorts for its own purposes, exploiting the citizens in the process.”
I could go on, but you get the idea.
I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that your first draft was also your final draft, and that your editor was also yourself. It shows.
You need an actual editor, my friend, if you want your book to sound like anything other than a high school senior’s social studies essay.
At very least, you need to give your manuscript to someone who knows English grammar and syntax (and not just a “simple and hardworking American”), who can correct your errors and give you honest critique.
Sorry to sound harsh, but if you want to get paid for writing, you need to improve your work. [/quote]
Hey Bryan Garner, thanks for taking a golden shower on the guy’s parade. :0
One of your chapters is entitled “Panderer and Chief”.
Did you mean to write “Panderer-in-Chief”, referring to the President, playing on his title “Commander-in-Chief”?
Or are you talking about two people, a panderer and a chief?
With exception of the to,two,too correction; I am happy with everything else thank you. There is nothing that needs saving either for I am the author and wrote in such format/context intentionally.
[quote]mrclean85 wrote:
With exception of the to,two,too correction; I am happy with everything else thank you. There is nothing that needs saving either for I am the author and wrote in such format/context intentionally.[/quote]
Well then, all I can tell you is good luck.
I do appreciate your constructive criticism and will revisit my book for possible editing.
[quote]mrclean85 wrote:
…for I am the author and wrote in such format/context intentionally.[/quote]
If you want to write for an audience, sometimes you have to kill your babies. Hope this works out for ya.
[quote]anonym wrote:
[quote]mrclean85 wrote:
I might just use one of your revisions verbatim. [/quote]
lol
And so, just like that, mrclean dons his catsuit and fuck me pumps and begins the walk of shame to orion’s apartment.[/quote]
Ahahaha.
That is deep fucking niche.
Thanks. ; )
Any thoughts on improving this sentence:
“Shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision.”
I’m trying to convey the idea that shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision, but I feel like I need to make this sentence easier on the reader. Maybe I could shift it from passive to active voice? Any thoughts?
[quote]jjackkrash wrote:
Any thoughts on improving this sentence:
“Shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision.”
I’m trying to convey the idea that shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision, but I feel like I need to make this sentence easier on the reader. Maybe I could shift it from passive to active voice? Any thoughts? [/quote]
I feel like the word “free” could be dropped because shitting on any writing advice from Varq, free or otherwise, is a poor decision.
Additionally, I think that “a really poor decision” can be reworked down to “asinine”.
[quote]BeefEater wrote:
[quote]jjackkrash wrote:
Any thoughts on improving this sentence:
“Shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision.”
I’m trying to convey the idea that shitting on free writing advice from Varq due to pride was a really poor decision, but I feel like I need to make this sentence easier on the reader. Maybe I could shift it from passive to active voice? Any thoughts? [/quote]
I feel like the word “free” could be dropped because shitting on any writing advice from Varq, free or otherwise, is a poor decision.
Additionally, I think that “a really poor decision” can be reworked down to “asinine”.[/quote]
Note the unnecessary “that”. Do it all the time.
I like it. How about making that change and making the sentence more active:
“Mrclean85 made an asinine decision to shit on Varq’s writing advice due to pride.”
I feel like we are getting warmer.