For the last 6 months I have been coordinating changing my career direction and lift direction in general. I did a lot of thinking between March and May of this year, which culminated to a lot of writing and self reflection exercises and I decided after a 3 year hiatus to go back to school and get my PhD. I know deep down it is what I want to do, but I am not going to lie I am scared shitless of the responsibilities and commitment that it will require.
Fast forward to today, between many emails, telecons, university visits, interviews, etc, there is a very strong chance that I just landed a once in a lifetime opportunity. A “dream career” some might call it. This is something Ive worked towards all my life, and had many setbacks along the way, and a few years ago I almost walked out of my field and gave up everything for a more simple life, but I pressed onward and “ignored” those feelings of doubt.
And now, here it is, right in front of me. Literally, a vision of something Ive seen myself doing since I was 5. All I have to do is fill out an application, get the necessary paperwork done, and finish up 1 last telecon after Thanksgiving (to finalize project details) before the ball gets rolling.
I’m pretty scared ironically, almost avoidant, and I don’t know why. There is a burning feeling deep down that says “Don’t do this, run away, go live on an island and be a bartender!”, but Im not one to let fear run my life. I have a few options now though:
One possibility was that Id start in January. This is pretty rare for a PhD to start (usually due to funding cycles) but I was told funding for me wont be an issue. I was told that if I start in January, essentially I will be made a director of a new facility being built. It is an amazing opportunity and I will have a great deal of responsibility. On some level I feel like it is too soon. I feel like I need to enjoy my life a little bit more. But maybe I am more afraid of not succeeding. I really don’t know.
So the point of this thread is for me to vent and talk to people who I think are like minded and goal oriented. I guess I am having some trouble dealing with “success neurosis”, will I be able to live up to their expectations, do I have enough energy to carry out the tasks they are asking of me, will this take away from my ability to have a social life or get involved in a serious relationship, am I having enough fun in my life. Maybe these questions are silly.
Either way, I have the opportunity of a lifetime in front of me and I feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a big train coming my way.