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Need A Man's Perspective: Motivate My Husband

Hey guys. A little background. My husband and I met while in the military and were both it tip top shape. Since then I have had 2 children. I was over weight for quite a while with my second child until I finally learned how to lose weight and build lean muscle. I dropped 40lbs and was approx 15 pounds within goal when I conceived again.

I gained quite a bit of weight (I have big babies lol, I have 3 kids total, 1st was 7lbs 12oz, 2nd 9lbs 5oz, and the most recent 10lbs 4oz) during the pregnancy. I delivered in June and have already lost 37lbs. I have roughly 59 to go.

My problem is this. During these past 5 years my husband has made no attempt to get in shape. He works a whole lot so I’m not asking him to spend hours at the gym, but maybe just take a walk with me in the evenings. I asked him to do P90X with me and he said no. He won’t even try 10 minute trainer. He just keeps eating junk, drinking sufargy energy drinks and his belly is getting bigger.

I know I sound extremely shallow, and I love my husband more than anything regardless of what he looks like but I know that belly fat is not only un sexy, its dangerous. I tell him this but he just says he’s fine and is ok where he is. He doesn’t want to change. I know he has to want it for himself because he doesn’t want to do it to make me happy (I miss his six pack) but how can I motivate him without coming accross as superficial?

I am making an effort to look my best and be my healthiest for myself yes but also for him, why can’t he do the same for me?

Blessings,

kbragg

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve tried arguing the health aspect myself, to no real avail. If you figure out something that might motivate a woman, let me know.

I’m not sure why you’re calling out your husband when you admit to being overweight in the past and still need to lose 59 lbs.

Big babies? Okay. Sounds like your diet and exercise was not up to snuff during pregnancy.

I suggest both you and your hubbie have a conversation about your fat loss goals together.

Good luck.

Time to have the honest discussion as to whether you share the same “health” goals. If you don’t, there’s nothing stopping you from achieving yours - although tougher without the support. That might provide motivation for him.

Another angle of approach with your hubby might be the welfare of your children. It’s a shame that this generation of kids may be the first where the life expectancy is lower than their parents - due to childhood obesity. Kids learn their behaviors, especially eating behaviors at that age, from their parents.

If you’re looking for something drastic or shocking, consider taking him to see “Killer at Large”.

BEST OF LUCK!

  1. You are making excuses. I have friend whose wives are SMOKING within 2 months of giving birth. They are tighter than before (fat wise) with big ole milk jugs. Set an example. Most people will tend towards what their partner is doing (this applies to most things, not just fitness).

  2. I’m assuming you control what food comes into the house. I’m assuming you do the shopping. Clean out all shit from the fridge, pantry, etc. and replace it with all veggies, lean meats, etc. Make it harder for him to eat junk.

Bottom line is that he isn’t going to do anything until he wants to. You being a vital hottie is probably going to be as good a motivator as anything.

Okay, I have an idea of what you’re going through. First of all, congrats on bouncing back into shape after your prior pregnancies, and good luck on the continuing work to get back there this time.

As for your husband I can think of a couple of approaches:

  1. set an example-- you eat healthy, work out and continue to invite him to do the same. With any luck he will either be inspired by you and your progress or he will feel guilty for being a slob while his wife gets hotter by the week.

  2. as others have mentioned make it easier for him to eat in a healthy manner, and harder for him not to. Buy Crystal Light packets instead of Gatorade, ground turkey instead of beef. If it gets to be easy for him to do the right thing, he may just get motivated.

  3. and this shouldn’t be a last resort-- talk to him about it. Seriously. You guys are married, after all. It’s not shallow to want your mate to stay physically attractive. You’re not devaluing him by saying that you like him better thinner. If it’s something that matters to you, it should matter to him.

And never underestimate the motivational ability of embarrassment-- few things are as uncomfortable as disrobing in front of your smoking hot wife while carrying around 40+ pounds of excess fat.

I do not believe in trying to tell ANYONE what they should do with their bodies. It does not work. It’s controlling and preachy. You have no right to control what someone else should do with his body. And did I mention, it NEVER works. All it will do is alienate you and cause distance and tension in your relationship.

It takes a lot of motivation from within to discipline eating habits and maybe even to exercise. That kind of motivation doesn’t come from being lectured by your wife.

I don’t understand why so many people want to change something about their partner. It doesn’t work, and it’s very egotistical. If you want a great relationship, accept everything about your partner and don’t try to change anything. Respect his right to be who he wants to be and do what HE wants to do. If you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be with him in the first place.

Every guy I know who went from sitting on the couch eating junk to training and eating clean did so after some unpleasant news following a doctor visit. A doctor telling him that some marker of health was deteriorating was necessary to motivate those changes. I’ve never heard a guy say, Well my wife kept telling I had to stop being a lazy slob, and I finally realized she was right.

[quote]andersons wrote:
…Well my wife kept telling I had to stop being a lazy slob, and I finally realized she was right.[/quote]

Nope… that realization sets in after she bolts.

[quote]andersons wrote:
I do not believe in trying to tell ANYONE what they should do with their bodies. It does not work. It’s controlling and preachy. You have no right to control what someone else should do with his body. And did I mention, it NEVER works. All it will do is alienate you and cause distance and tension in your relationship.

It takes a lot of motivation from within to discipline eating habits and maybe even to exercise. That kind of motivation doesn’t come from being lectured by your wife.

I don’t understand why so many people want to change something about their partner. It doesn’t work, and it’s very egotistical. If you want a great relationship, accept everything about your partner and don’t try to change anything. Respect his right to be who he wants to be and do what HE wants to do. If you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be with him in the first place.

Every guy I know who went from sitting on the couch eating junk to training and eating clean did so after some unpleasant news following a doctor visit. A doctor telling him that some marker of health was deteriorating was necessary to motivate those changes. I’ve never heard a guy say, Well my wife kept telling I had to stop being a lazy slob, and I finally realized she was right.[/quote]

And if he picks up a heroine habit at some point you should probably shoot up with him sometimes to not alienate him, but don’t ever try to tell him he shouldn’t do it.

Of course you can intervene with a loved one and constructively criticize unhealthy habits. I will admit there are bad ways to go about it, and you can always accept and love a person, but that doesn’t mean accept and support everything they do.

After you’ve finished losing all of the weight you need to lose (he probably just doesn’t take you seriously because you aren’t fit yet), if he still isn’t willing to get with the program, then just stop having sex with him. And when he asks why, tell him his ever-growing gut is making his penis smaller.

That should work.

Either that or he’ll start hitting you, in which case you’ll already be fit and sexy enough to find a better man and divorce him to take half his stuff.

[quote]andersons wrote:
I do not believe in trying to tell ANYONE what they should do with their bodies. It does not work. It’s controlling and preachy. You have no right to control what someone else should do with his body. And did I mention, it NEVER works. All it will do is alienate you and cause distance and tension in your relationship.

It takes a lot of motivation from within to discipline eating habits and maybe even to exercise. That kind of motivation doesn’t come from being lectured by your wife.

I don’t understand why so many people want to change something about their partner. It doesn’t work, and it’s very egotistical. If you want a great relationship, accept everything about your partner and don’t try to change anything. Respect his right to be who he wants to be and do what HE wants to do. If you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be with him in the first place.

Every guy I know who went from sitting on the couch eating junk to training and eating clean did so after some unpleasant news following a doctor visit. A doctor telling him that some marker of health was deteriorating was necessary to motivate those changes. I’ve never heard a guy say, Well my wife kept telling I had to stop being a lazy slob, and I finally realized she was right.[/quote]

What the hell is this crap? Why should ANYONE accept a fat slob of a partner that doesn’t even seem to care that they are a fat slob. It’s egotistical??? Because you don’t want to have sex with a fattie?

And your comment of “if you don’t like being with someone who doesn’t take care of himself, then you shouldn’t have chosen to be with him in the first place”

Umm…Did you read her post? He started out healthy and fit. How the hell was she supposed to know he would let himself go this degree?

Being overweight/obese is unhealthy, unattractive, and if they really continued to not want to change I’d probably end up leaving them eventually.

[quote]kbragg wrote:
I know I sound extremely shallow[/quote]

No, you don’t sound extremely shallow at all. Not even close. I was miserable with my previous wife because she let herself go really way too far. We stopped having sex because she knew she was fat and women who feel this way aren’t exactly amorous and became unattracted to her. No matter how much I got in shape she simply wouldn’t do anything about her own weight issue.

We’re divorced now and it definitely came down to other issues in addition to the weight issue. But I promised myself I would never enter or stay in a relationship going forward where my partner didn’t have enough self respect to take care of their body.

[quote]mr popular wrote:
After you’ve finished losing all of the weight you need to lose (he probably just doesn’t take you seriously because you aren’t fit yet), if he still isn’t willing to get with the program, then just stop having sex with him. And when he asks why, tell him his ever-growing gut is making his penis smaller.

That should work.

Either that or he’ll start hitting you, in which case you’ll already be fit and sexy enough to find a better man and divorce him to take half his stuff.[/quote]

You just made my day.

[quote]randman wrote:
kbragg wrote:
I know I sound extremely shallow

No, you don’t sound extremely shallow at all. Not even close. I was miserable with my previous wife because she let herself go really way too far. We stopped having sex because she knew she was fat and women who feel this way aren’t exactly amorous and became unattracted to her. No matter how much I got in shape she simply wouldn’t do anything about her own weight issue.

We’re divorced now and it definitely came down to other issues in addition to the weight issue. But I promised myself I would never enter or stay in a relationship going forward where my partner didn’t have enough self respect to take care of their body.[/quote]

I honestly feel that things like this should be worked out BEFORE marriage. If you both are slobs when you get married, does it really shock anyone that when one person CHANGES drastically and the other doesn’t that there are problems?

This would seem to be more of an issue for people who marry extremely young (like before the age of 25).

Her husband hates exercise. From the sounds of it, she did too until recently.

The only way someone can be justified in allowing this to end a marriage is if one was a health freak to begin with and the other pretended to be until they got married. Otherwise, if you knew the person well enough, expecting them to change drastically doesn’t make much sense.

[quote]Polish Rifle wrote:
I’m not sure why you’re calling out your husband when you admit to being overweight in the past and still need to lose 59 lbs.

Big babies? Okay. Sounds like your diet and exercise was not up to snuff during pregnancy.

I suggest both you and your hubbie have a conversation about your fat loss goals together.

Good luck.[/quote]

What is your issue? It sounds like she is making an attempt to lose the weight and is motivated, whereas her husband is contempt to keep getting fatter. Big difference if you ask me.

To the op, I wish I could offer you some advice. Most of the posts I’ve seen of this nature of from guys asking how to motivate their wife, and it’s tough. After you take everything away, that person has to want to change for themselves. Many times people just don’t want to. If you find something that works let us all know! Best of luck.

Monopoly

First of all, how much weight did your husband gain? if he just added a 15-20 pound layer of blubber while you are 59 pounds overweight, no one takes a fat hippo griping about her husband’s lacking a sixpack seriously.

Maybe if you got down to looking more attractive and actually got leaner, he would feel motivated to get in shape himself. At this point, the only thing that will inspire him to get ripped is when he begins getting hot young tail on the side in his office.

Vaya Con Dios

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
I understand where you are coming from. I’ve tried arguing the health aspect myself, to no real avail. If you figure out something that might motivate a woman, let me know.[/quote]

AMEN!
Let me know how that works out…

If you’re 60 pounds overweight then I don’t really think you can complain yet. I know I’d be offended if my fat spouse told me that I need to get into shape.

The OP is working on losing her weight. She isn’t the issue. All you folks jumping on and saying she should shut up until she loses the weight are the same ones that “amen” to every “bulking beast” that talks about the 30lbs his wife has put on.

get over it.

She’s working on a healthy lifestyle and just wants some suggestions for motivating her spouse.

When they married they were both in good shape. He PUSSIED OUT and got fat. She had 3 kids.

if you have some suggestions, great. If you just want to lay junk on a person already putting in the effort, you are a tool.

fucking bandwagon jumpers, I swear to god

[quote]MarvelGirl wrote:
If you’re 60 pounds overweight then I don’t really think you can complain yet. I know I’d be offended if my fat spouse told me that I need to get into shape.[/quote]

Agreed. Until you actually get lean, any griping about his body will just come across like pointless nagging.

This goes back to dedication. You don’t get props just for STARTING to exercise. Also, if you are carrying in excess of 50lbs of extra body weight, you get praise when you diet much more off than you have.