T Nation

Need a little girl advice here

Ok, this has probably been beat to death, but I’ve got no where else to go for advice. My best freind, just happens to be the most beatuiful, fun, outgoing girl I’ve met, and i’m in love with her. She just doesn’t know it, at least I dont think. I want to tell her but I thinking it would be a bad idea because…
I dated her a little over a year ago, and because of some fucked up shit (long story) we broke up. It was kind of messy, and i think most other guys would have been like “fuck her, whatever” but i really cared/care about her. So i stayed there as a freind (thats what they always want “lets just be friends”). She went out whith another guy after me, who she thought was the greatest guy ever. Well, he cheated on her and all that shit, and when she had no where else to go and no one to listen to her, she called me. I talked, have been talking to her for a while now helping her through this (she was devistated). Its kinda funny, she was describing her feelings for him, while im thinking, yeah i know EXACTLY how you feel, thinking about her. Well shes calling me her best freind now, and shes happy were friends, and she says “youre the only guy I trust, youre not just trying to be my friend to get in my pants” Thats true to an extent, im not trying to get in her pants, but I want more. I dont want to lose this friendship, but i want to tell her so badly how I feel, I love her. But if I get shot down, i’m afraid she’ll think ive betrayed her trust. Im not afraid to hear “no”. I dont want her to think ive been talking to her again, just to try to get back with her. I think she has to know something is up. I help her in the gym atleast 3 times a week, for free (no sex or anything). I talk to her almost every day, and im almost always there for her when she needs me, even if it inconviences me. And with our history, again, I think most guys would have walked away along time ago if they wanted nothing. I’ve tried to talk to my other freinds about her, but their stupid advice is always “get drunk and go fuck some bitch, you’ll feel better” but i’m just not like that. I wont feel better. I dont really have anyone else to talk to…any advice?

go easy on the flaming…

Life is too uncertain to let chances at real love to slip by. Tell her pretty much what you posted here. Be honest and take a chance.

Dude that is a tough one. I myself am not that good at picking up signals, so be weary of that.All that I can say right now is that I envy you. You are lucky. And no matter what happens, you have a feeling that not everyone gets to feel. (can you tell that i just got shit on by my ex GF)? Well to me its like calling your girl on the phone when you shouldn’t but you can’t help it. Just when you want to start that talk- think and ask yourself if it is really the right time to do that. It’s hard though. You will know eventually. She might come out and say something to you. Go fuck a chick if you want but that isn’t really what you want to do I’m guessing.This isn’t really advice but I feel ya. Good luck

Hey buddy id say alot of us males have been in the same situation, what ild do is pull your self away from her a little and then tell her how you feel whats the worst that can happen, shell say no then your proberly better off with out someone thats always taking from you and not giving anything back.

Just express your feelings to her. If she doesn’t want to hook up again, forget her. It’s better than hurtin while pretending to be her friend. You didn’t mention why you guys broke up. A lot could depend on that.

You could also print this thread out, complete with answers, and show it to her…


Good luck!

hey man…i was in a similiar situation and i blew it. I never told her and i’ve moved to the other side of the country and i’ll probably never see her again. I regret it. You should tell her. we’re all behind you :slight_smile:

Dude, if she’s talking to you and hanging out with you that much, she must dig you on some level. I was talking with my sister about this girl that I always chat with online (she goes to my school and We’ve hung out a few times). My sis always teases me about how into this girl I am since we talk so much. I told her that this girl only thinks of me as a friend and according to my sis (who is’nt the font of knowledge I know) no chick would put that much time and energy into a male female friendship if she didn’t have some expectaions of a relationship or messing around in the future. So I’d say go for it. It’s not like she’d be shocked that you feel that was since you’ve dated before. Go for it, man!

Goldberg! Is that you?

Well, I just posted and in a similar situation. Basically, you are fucked dude. You can tell her, but just accept the fact that it will blow up in your face. The whole “tell her I love her and she’ll really appreciate it” bullshit only works in the movies. Movies like that are written because women eat up that stuff. Reality is one movie. LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN. Run to the block buster and rent it. This is really how it is. Don’t let the chicks on this place taint you either. Sure they probably feel that way now, but that is only after the “Bad Boy” rips their heart out a few hundred times. Nice guys finish last is a popular saying because it is true. Take it from a “nice guy”. Sure it sucks, but it isn’t any worse than saying “Fat Chicks Finish Last”. Women don’t want nice(weak) guys like guys don’t want fat chicks. Sorry to drop the truth on you. There are always exceptions, but the odds are the odds. So most likely, you will post in a week and be terribly depressed. Sure, go ahead and tell her. I did. It felt ok I suppose and really does no harm, but rejection hurts. The only time it doesn’t is when you don’t care. Guess what though, when you don’t care, you don’t usually get rejected…

EDog

PS You really want her? Go out and start dating other girls. When the other girl calls, tell her you need to go. Even if it is your mom for F sake. Make yourself somewhat unavailable. Rush her off the phone. It all works like a charm.

I don’t have any specific advice for you but I believe that most people regret not having done something rather than things they have done. I don’t know all the details of your relationship but I would tell her. The first reply to your post says it all.

Tell her, but only tell her to make yourself feel better, because the relationship will be over after that. But look, she knows what she’s doing… and the reason she says those “thank goodness you aren’t trying to get into my pants” sorts of things is probably to signal to you that she isn’t interested. So tell her, I could always be wrong. The upshot is that if I’m right, you’ll officially get your ass out from under the train, and you can pursue more quality poontang. If I’m wrong, you get the chick. Sweet deal either way.

Ko and I were good friends for many years, to the point where we were often times thought as being brother and sister. And I did consider him to be like a brother and since I was with someone else (my now ex-husband), well all was pretty much a platonic “beer drinking” level (we have many a tale of our drinking misadventures…he he he). Then one day, I seperated from my husband, moved out on my own and soon after, filed for divorce. Throughout this entire time, Ko was there. He helped me move, he helped me when I was so sick and couldn’t cook for myself (after I had moved into my own place). He kept my spirits up as I was looking for a fulltime job and moving away from the Personal Trainer gig.

While he and I share alot of the same interests, we also had developed a huge amount of respect for each other. If it wasn't for him making the first move, I wouldn't have never known he was interested in something beyond "good friends". Yeah, it's a chance you take - but I think it's worth it. You'll never know and you will more than likely kick yourself in the ass later for not taking the chance now.

Ko and I are moving into 5-years now as an "item" and what it's really done is improve upon the friendship that began years ago and created a whole new area for our relationship that has been positive. Good times, definitely. good luck!

How many guys here appreciate women playing games with them? C’mon raise your hands, I know there are some of you here because you advocate the same thing in return. Games are for little boys and girls. Communication is an adult sport. It’s not the telling them how you feel that drives them away, nor is it playing (key word here) the aloof male that attracts them. They either like you for who you are or not. My daughter has a guy all hot for her. They had a good time for a while in college. He calls quite a bit, blah, blah, blah. It’s not the calling and treating her nice that’s going to shoot this guy down. There just isn’t the right spark there. Women appreciate being treated well, they like to be listened to (really listened to, not acting like it), a lot of the things that a lot of nice guys do are just fine…it’s just that they aren’t the right guy to trip her trigger. So, you can play the games if you like, and always have a level of doubt about what the hell is going on and how each other feels, or you can grow up and talk about it.

Patricia makes my point. Did you notice that she only wants the nice guy after “her divorce”. Sure after being in a shitty relationship girls wise up, but most of them need to be sobered up by the asshole first. Doubt that these men changed into assholes after the wedding. They knew what type of guys they were marrying, but they did it anyway because that’s what they want a strong man or a dickhead, unfortunately most women can’t tell the difference. You sound young, so she probably is too: WATCH LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN!!!

EDog

Listen, Edog: my ex is a “nice” guy. The difference between he and Ko is that Ko is a accomplished person and a person who has succeeded in what he wanted to do in life, be it personal or professional. My ex was, for lack of a better word, a “wanker”. Someone who lacked goals, lacked a desire to acheive. Basically my ex was more like a boy who wanted to be taken care of, Ko is a man who doesn’t need me to “mother” him. And thank god.

I don't require someone to take care of me, to be all "nicey" to me; I require a equal. I believe any independant woman who is beyond "game" playing and boys like you and my ex, would agree with me.

SteelyEyes, I disagree. I think women oftentimes mistake being “dangerous” for a “spark,” and men think of being “nice” as a substitute for it. Over time, a woman will either like you or dislike you (notice I don’t say ‘love’) based on who you are, but most of the time you can’t get into the starting gate without playing one role or another.

One note though: Women don’t like guys that whine about how “nice guys” never get any. I think most nice guys adopt the whole bitter attitude because they have this delusion that someone is going to pick up on their self-depricating comments and “realize” how “nice” they are and give them a chance. It doesn’t work that way. Women can smell desparate a mile away, and the ones that will go out with a guy like that are usually troubled.

SteelyEyes, I agree with you. Women DO want nice guys, but nice guys do not smother women. They are not needy of mothering. They are confident. They are courteous. They are interesting. They do not play games with the womens’ heads. Game playing, as some of these posters suggest, can backfire. You play too long and too hard and the woman worth having will get fed up with it and move on to someone else. I’ve seen it happen many times. The men that women want are creative, sensitive but manly, have interests and hobbies, are willing to do things that are different, and are capable of making decisions. And you are right, Steely Eyes, regardless of how nice a guy is, if the spark isn’t there, it just isn’t there and there is nothing you can do to fabricate chemistry. When there is chemistry, both women and men can overlook and forgive many of the criteria they establish for their ideal mate. And when there is chemistry, you will know it. It is unmistakeable. In the meantime, every other relationship is just a trial run.

There is a big span between dangerous and dull. In the middle are guys that are spontaneous, like to have fun, and respect women as people. It takes more than a few characteristics to make a good match. Each person has their own criteria. Some pick security over excitement more than others. A lot of women like it if you’re comfortable around kids. Want to have women check you out? Go to a park or a beach with a kid. I’ve seen a lot of couples in the 20 years I’ve been married. Some of them are happily married, and some are just still married. The happiest ones still have something going on between them. If you’re at a party and catch one watching the other come in the room you can tell by the look in their eyes. That’s the spark you need. I’m sure some people have trouble finding it, that doesn’t make it any less important in the longevity of a fulfilling relationship. I definitely agree about the “needy” or desperate thing. That goes over like a fart in church. Not many women enjoy guys that come off like they need to be powdered and burped. A real man burps without external assistance…well, except the occaisional “Nice one”.