Many of you already know the issues I've faced for the past year (financial, dad with cancer, job issues, etc.). So I don't want to get into all the specifics as I've already posted about it before.
My dad was doing well after his last surgery and radiation/chemo treatments in August. Although, he was still having problems a few months later that should have gone away.
His doctors recently brought him back in for a multitude of tests, Cat Scans, MRI's, X-rays, PETA scan and bloodwork.
We knew something was terribly wrong when the X-rays and Cat scans picked up some new things earlier this week. After talking to his doctors, we found out the worst news of all.
The cancer is back.
An entire year later, when we thought it was gone and he was getting better.
Only this time, it has spread to his bones (spine/shoulder), his lungs and his colon (two spots). He is going through radiation treatment on his shoulder and spine to help alleviate the pain he faces every day.
However, he will not be getting chemo because the treatments will only make him sick and will have no effect on the cancer because of how far it has gone.
We found out yesterday that the doctor's have given him 4-6 months before he dies.
My dad seems to have accepted this. As he has had "a feeling" that he was dying that started a few months ago. He hears voices at night and he even thinks he sees/hears things. I don't know how he has remained so calm.
We are frantically trying to give him the best possible quality of life for the next few months. Hospice will be coming in to make things better at home. And he's trying to do some things for the next few months before his condition gets worse.
He's even getting married on Tuesday to his life-long love. She has been a blessing for us, as she has helped my dad in many ways. Because they are both RN's, they also know a lot more about everything that is happening and how to deal with things.
He will be visiting family and going on a cruise...trying to do the little things he never had a chance to do before.
In addition to knowing that my father is dying, we are potentially faced with some financial issues as well. When my dad went on long-term disability, he was terminated from his job with Shands as a flight nurse on ShandsCair.
Because of this, he has lost many of his benefits (he's paying for Cobra each month to keep health coverage and he has no more life insurance). He was even worried that he could lose the house. His main concern seems to be taking care of us (me, my brother and sister), and he's worried that he won't be able to do so.
He's meeting with a financial planner next week to see what he can do. My dad's girlfriend and I are helping him financially as well. Him leaving us something behind isn't even a concern of mine. I told him it doesn't matter. We will be fine, we just want him to be better.
This is a horrible situation to be in. Here we are, trying to make him comfortable, trying to do whatever he wants to do while he can, and trying to figure out burial arrangements, finances, etc. He treats it like an everyday business transaction. I don't know how he does it. I don't know how he remains so strong.
All this time, I thought he was getting better. And when he was having problems, I thought that maybe he just needed to try harder. Maybe he just needed to eat more good food. Maybe he needed to try to get more exercise or treatment.
I feel guilty that I was angry because he wasn't getting better, and I blammed him for not trying hard enough. I feel guilty because maybe I didn't do enough to help him this past year. I feel guilty because I've been more concerned about paying off my bills and getting my own place because I don't want to live here. I feel guilty because I didn't spend enough time with him my whole life. I feel guilty that I've been selfish.
These next few months are going to be rough. I may not be on here much because of everything going on, but I will check in when I can to give updates.
The only good things right now are that Stacey has been a huge support system for me, and I have been offered a new job. I'm actually waiting to hear back from a second job to make a decision on which one to choose. So that's one good thing. It just doesn't feel that great when other things are not so good.
I hope to continue to train consitently, as that has been the one thing that has helped me the most during the past year, and I don't want to fall into a depression as I did before.
I'm glad to have the love and support of Stacey, my family, my friends, and those of you who know me or may not know me on T-Nation.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my dad, myself and those around me.