T Nation

My Wife Has My Balls

Go ahead tell me to get some balls; all the girls I know Do.

Not that I do not have some. Hey mine work just fine Made aste of twins and two boys.

I need a life. Right now my four year old and seven year ol are laying on the couch waiting to go to sleep. "Mommy: is at work until 11:00. She’s home by 11:007 hour shift And she started this 12:00 thing where the fall asleep while watching T.V. whiles he is at work, And then you carry them upstairs to bed. This can take untill 10:30 11:00.

If I carry them upstairs the wake up and whine. Please for if I stated that already. Then They stay awake for another hour or two. If I do not carry them Up she wakes me up and bitches about me not carrying them up. HOw nice it must be to be me. Never doanything to help out.

The kicker is they all climb into our bed well I wait to go to sleep on the floor.lately i just sleep on the floor. At leastI geta half way decent nights sleep. This is just like any other night she takes them all into bed with her untill the fall asleep. two of them go into one bed and the biggest one stays in my bed.

By two or three I wake up and go to the floor cause they are all in my bed. This has been the routine for seven years. When i say something I hear" You just haveno heart. This is what most families do."

I get up at should get up at 4:00 so I can lift before work. I have to be there at 6:30. Now I am working ten hour shifts with a one hour drive time. Sometimes I put in eleven hours.

It is ten thirty they all just finaly fell asleep and, If I take them up they will wake up,If I go to sleep then I will be woken up by her and,when she comes home well carry them up and one or two will wake up,I’ll go to the floor and she’ll turn on the T V in the bedroom. I’llbe awake untill Twelve.

Ya know what I can’t wake up at four any more and I fall asleep in meetings.

Yet I have know heart or compassion.

Next time I’ll tell you how I got bitched at for helping my 87 year old Dad last week, for a hour granted there was a hour and two and a half hour drive time and I had a flat, so I was gone for three and a half four hours.

and when He went through surgery for (seven Bypasses,all at once.) I was being selfish for helping him around his house less then a month after surgery.

So comment and I’ll tell you more beat me up tellme how small or lack of testies is

Really I need somesound advice or some thing I am going to burst.

I think it’s time for T-Nation to hire a translator.

Buy another bed and get some real sleep…

Anyway, on a semi-realistic note, everyones “needs” are important, not just every one elses.

If I were you, I’d send the damned kids to their rooms instead of letting them fall asleep downstairs. They can cry and whine all they like, as long as they do it in their own damned room.

Then, you can sleep on the couch and tell your wife not to bother waking you when she gets home. The kids can then do whatever they want without any need to inconvenience you (deprive you of sleep on a permanent basis).

sit her down and have a talk with her. control the conversation. do not let her cut you off. keep eye contact. raise your voice as she trys to cut in and talk over her.

do cut her off. say what you have to say and make sure she hears it. she’ll be pissed and you’ll get the cold shoulder so be ready. she may walk out. let her. do it again the next night. don’t chase her, don’t apologize.

she will realize you are attempting a “power shift” and will probably view it that way rather than you trying to be at least an equal.

she will try to put the hammer down on you to keep the status quo in check. don’t let her.

she just needs to know who the man is.

be the man. do not be a coward, do not cave in to her anger, her guilt trips, her tears if she stoops to that etc.

own her. once you own her you will have a fair playing field for even and level headed discussion where you can both find a happy medium. but you’ll have to fight for that first it sounds like.

it sucks that you already married her bro.

my advice would be terrible normally, but it sounds like you are the abused in an abusive relationship and you need to fight back.

You are sounding like someone that keeps it all in until he is going postal.

I do not think that you have no balls, I think you have a severe “Nice guy” sindrome which is not exactly the same.

You know, someone who can fight, just not with someone he really cares for.

Hell, at least get a room with your own bed and a refrigerator with a six pack, be it in your garage or basement you need your sleep.

Best thing would be to throw your kids out of your bed, because DADDY NEEDS TO SLEEP GODDAMMIT, but after 7 years?

You deserve your own bed and a blowjob from your local office, um, open an giving female person.

After seven years, it’s going to be difficult to change the routine.

But I can guarantee you won’t be able to change it by yourself. Unless you and your wife are on the same wavelength and present a “united front” so to speak to the kids, they’ll play you against each other and make you feel like a bad dad if you try to impose rules they don’t like.

So the first step is to figure this thing out with your wife. Kids need discipline and rules; letting them run the house is not doing them any favor. Unless your wife agrees with you on those points and helps you make the necessary changes, I’m afraid you’re facing a difficult uphill battle.

If it’s any consolation, not “all families” do as yours does. My kids (6 and 4) go to bed each night at 7:30, 8:00 at the latest. They sleep in their own bed, in their own room. There is no getting up, unless it’s to use the bathroom. No one sleeps in mommy and daddy’s bed except mommy and daddy. Basically, “common sense” rules.

I don’t think your problem stems from a lack of balls, but rather from a lack of communication and cooperation between you and your spouse.

[quote]vroom wrote:
The kids can then do whatever they want without any need to inconvenience you[/quote]

Yes, that plan will work.

Well I’m trying to see what your individual problems are. Let me know if any of these are off:

  1. Kids go to sleep at the TV, late.
    Send them to bed early! Kid’s do NOT need to have their way.

  2. Kids sleep in your bed.
    Kick them out? You’re the one getting up at 4am you NEED a good nights sleep.

  3. Wife says you have ‘no heart’ and ‘its what all families do’.
    You cannot let your wife control you like this. Tell her its not how other families do it, and even if it was it will not be the way you do it.

So yes, you’re going to have to grow a pair and fix these things. Why you haven’t already done it is the real question.

[quote]pookie wrote:
Yes, that plan will work.
[/quote]

Yeah, okay, maybe it wasn’t the best advice, but it is probably the shortest route to actually getting some sleep without moving out.

I have an EX WIFE that was like that. I’m happy now, I miss my kids but who wants to raise kids in an environment like that. I now am able to show my kids a good family life when I have them. At least they have two senarios to compare.

[quote]uptruck wrote:
Go ahead tell me to get some balls; all the girls I know Do.

Not that I do not have some. Hey mine work just fine Made aste of twins and two boys.

I need a life. Right now my four year old and seven year ol are laying on the couch waiting to go to sleep. "Mommy: is at work until 11:00. She’s home by 11:007 hour shift And she started this 12:00 thing where the fall asleep while watching T.V. whiles he is at work, And then you carry them upstairs to bed. This can take untill 10:30 11:00.

If I carry them upstairs the wake up and whine. Please for if I stated that already. Then They stay awake for another hour or two. If I do not carry them Up she wakes me up and bitches about me not carrying them up. HOw nice it must be to be me. Never doanything to help out.

The kicker is they all climb into our bed well I wait to go to sleep on the floor.lately i just sleep on the floor. At leastI geta half way decent nights sleep. This is just like any other night she takes them all into bed with her untill the fall asleep. two of them go into one bed and the biggest one stays in my bed.

By two or three I wake up and go to the floor cause they are all in my bed. This has been the routine for seven years. When i say something I hear" You just haveno heart. This is what most families do."

I get up at should get up at 4:00 so I can lift before work. I have to be there at 6:30. Now I am working ten hour shifts with a one hour drive time. Sometimes I put in eleven hours.

It is ten thirty they all just finaly fell asleep and, If I take them up they will wake up,If I go to sleep then I will be woken up by her and,when she comes home well carry them up and one or two will wake up,I’ll go to the floor and she’ll turn on the T V in the bedroom. I’llbe awake untill Twelve.

Ya know what I can’t wake up at four any more and I fall asleep in meetings.

Yet I have know heart or compassion.

Next time I’ll tell you how I got bitched at for helping my 87 year old Dad last week, for a hour granted there was a hour and two and a half hour drive time and I had a flat, so I was gone for three and a half four hours.

and when He went through surgery for (seven Bypasses,all at once.) I was being selfish for helping him around his house less then a month after surgery.

So comment and I’ll tell you more beat me up tellme how small or lack of testies is

Really I need somesound advice or some thing I am going to burst.
[/quote]

If you don’t want to divorce your wife and if you think she wants to improve. You could both read a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. It is a fantastic book and will help your situation tremendously.

Don’t be fooled by the title, it takes balls to parent this way. I used to be a drill sergent parent and my wife used to be a pushover, now we are on the same page (you have to want that first) and we are better parents with kids that can think for themselves and when they don’t we make desisions for them.

I don’t read in here that your wife wants to change so I still think you should probably leave her, not the kind of example I’d want to set for my kids of what a family is supposed to be like.

Just reading that had flames coming out of my ears. I would definitely correct this situation. I’m not sure how I would go about correcting it, if I were you. Good luck though. and get some sleep.

One more reason to not get married before you know the person so well you almost don’t like them or before you get all of these little issues worked out.

It looks like the biggest mistake was letting shit slide for seven damn years. After that long of accepting it, I doubt much is going to change overall at this point. The specifics almost don’t matter at all. If it isn’t this, it will be something else.

I do know, however, that there would be no way I would have to get up at 4am (I’m usually up not long after that) yet have someone tell me I can’t get a good night’s sleep because the kids have been trained to sleep in the same bed with you.

For the record, regardless of what “most families” do, all families don’t and it is up to you to set the standards in your own house.

You gave your balls away a long time ago. I truly wonder if anyone has been successful at getting them back.

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

[quote]bushidobadboy wrote:
If you can’t actually man up and deal with your compassionless wife about the kids in the bed thing, then turn the biggest of the kids rooms int your personal bedroom. Put a lock on the door, and get some quality sleep.

You can justify it thus:

“The kids spend all day in front of the TV, and all night in MY bed, so they don’t need their own rooms and beds now do they.”

Bushy
[/quote]

Best advice so far.

Okay, so you let it happen for 7 years. If you’re done with that, don’t wait for a good time to end it. End it now. Your kids aren’t going to want to sleep with you and your wife eventually. Might as well get them started NOW.

You’re not selfish. You need your sleep. People do get fired for falling asleep on the job, and you could fall asleep at the wheel and lose more than your job. No job no salary meaning that your wife has to pay for EVERYTHING for the family. Tell her that, modify it to suit your needs, the next time you’re accused of being selfish.

Your old man has a good son, I would think.

Go sleep in another room. This is not an unusual problem. You need sleep!

[quote]vroom wrote:
Yeah, okay, maybe it wasn’t the best advice, but it is probably the shortest route to actually getting some sleep without moving out.[/quote]

With a seven year old and a four year old, letting them “do whatever they want” is an invitation for disaster. Unless your house is entirely made out of Nerf, they will break something(s), hurt themselves or each other.

Children love attention, and they’ll figure out a way of getting it from you, good or bad.

Abdicating your parental duties and hiding in a locked room is not the solution. Not a good one, at least.

He needs to reach an agreement with his wife about how the kids are allowed to behave and what the rules are. Get a sitter, take her out to a nice restaurant to relax and have a long, non-confrontational talk. Something like that.

Once things are clear between the parents, having the kids change their habits will be a whole lot easier.

Where does one start… I am not a social worker but here are a couple of observations.

You need to realise that it’s your fault that it’s gotten to this in the first place… and to fix things YOU are going to have to change. But also the posative thing is that you have actually decided to effect some regime change, so that’s a good start.

Family life should not revolve around a tv, 90% of tv programs are junk, get rid of the tv perhaps keep something to watch movies on.

Kids thrive on routine and discipline, sounds like you need to reign that in.

Maybe this is none of my business but if the kids are in your bed all the time when do yo have a chance to get intimate with your wife?

There is a lot of good advice here. I would second the suggestion of reading Parenting with love and logic.

You have several issues here.

First, get those kids in their own beds at a decent time. You are not doing yourself, your spouse, society at large, or them a favor by being a pushover. Kids need and want discipline and structure.

Secondly, you are correct, you need to reclaim your balls. This doesn’t mean being a hardass, just stand up for yourself. This is a control issue, with your wife being passive aggressive to control you. This is what the two of you are demonstrating to your children on how to interact with others, is that what you want?

Your job is to prepare them for life, not win the most popular dad award. What they are learning now, is that the way to get what they want, is to whine, cry and belittle others with “you have no compassion”.

Check out Dr. Phil’s Website, seriously he has info on this and it makes sense.

Some great advice here as well, you know your wife better than we do so be prepared to what the fall out may be. I would ask her right out “Do you want a divorce or do you want to work this out.” If it becomes a shouting match.

If she says divorce, then it would have come to that anyway, if she says work it out, then tell her you’ll be back in a couple of hours to cool off and think about it some more. This will make her think as well if the relationship is worth saving.