So Musclemag in Carle Place, Long Island, NY (15 mins from me) is having this extravaganza of sorts hosting a collective including Jay Cutler, Frank Sepe, and an ass menagerie (see Testathasaurus Dictionary post) of fitness models. I arrived early so that I can get the free, $40 grab bag (proof that I’m Jewish) and check out the big sale. Honestly, aside from assessing how much a freak Cutler was I really had no interest in the celebrity showcase. I arrived early and about 30 or so individuals were salivating at the door. The clock hit 10am and who opens the door but Mr. Bob “Ted Kyzynski” Kennedy. Waiting in a line to shake each patron’s hand were Jay, Frank, and the official smile-and-look-like- you’d-bang-anybody women. Oh joy. Here, friends, is a synopsis: Jay is large. Quite large. I think he has trouble moving around. The guy at Musclemag told me that Jay doesen’t like discussing his loss to Captain GH Gut at the Olympia. Oh welly well. Frank Sepe could easily get a prescription for Equibolan, as I believe he is part horse. To see him in person is to relaize nature never intended for Reg Park, Mr. Ed, and a couple vials of Growth Hormone to marry. Fitness models officially scare the fuck out of me. Sure, they look pretty in the magazines (I glance, no subscriptions) but up close you can tell they’re made out of plastic and some sort of resin. And silicone, lord the silicone. If I wanted to copulate with synthetic materials I could always lube up the shower curtain. The grab bag suct deek. 'Twas filled with an old ('98) copy of Musclemag, an old copy of American Helath and Fitness with ye olde Horse Face Frank on the cover, and a copy of Oxygen magazine which I recall giving to Mom when I got home. I worked out in the t-shirt they threw in there, so it wasn’t all bad. Just most of it. Iss protein is pretty good. I really need some GROW right now. I hope this was an enjoyable reading experience. Oh, and my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesen’t have time for a boyfriend. And I got both nipples pierced. Aight, I’m done. Char, you better fucking respond to this post, it took me like 7 minutes to write. Lata.
MBE: "That's why he's easy, easy like Sunday morning. Since 1497."