My Morning at Musclemag

So Musclemag in Carle Place, Long Island, NY (15 mins from me) is having this extravaganza of sorts hosting a collective including Jay Cutler, Frank Sepe, and an ass menagerie (see Testathasaurus Dictionary post) of fitness models. I arrived early so that I can get the free, $40 grab bag (proof that I’m Jewish) and check out the big sale. Honestly, aside from assessing how much a freak Cutler was I really had no interest in the celebrity showcase. I arrived early and about 30 or so individuals were salivating at the door. The clock hit 10am and who opens the door but Mr. Bob “Ted Kyzynski” Kennedy. Waiting in a line to shake each patron’s hand were Jay, Frank, and the official smile-and-look-like- you’d-bang-anybody women. Oh joy. Here, friends, is a synopsis: Jay is large. Quite large. I think he has trouble moving around. The guy at Musclemag told me that Jay doesen’t like discussing his loss to Captain GH Gut at the Olympia. Oh welly well. Frank Sepe could easily get a prescription for Equibolan, as I believe he is part horse. To see him in person is to relaize nature never intended for Reg Park, Mr. Ed, and a couple vials of Growth Hormone to marry. Fitness models officially scare the fuck out of me. Sure, they look pretty in the magazines (I glance, no subscriptions) but up close you can tell they’re made out of plastic and some sort of resin. And silicone, lord the silicone. If I wanted to copulate with synthetic materials I could always lube up the shower curtain. The grab bag suct deek. 'Twas filled with an old ('98) copy of Musclemag, an old copy of American Helath and Fitness with ye olde Horse Face Frank on the cover, and a copy of Oxygen magazine which I recall giving to Mom when I got home. I worked out in the t-shirt they threw in there, so it wasn’t all bad. Just most of it. Iss protein is pretty good. I really need some GROW right now. I hope this was an enjoyable reading experience. Oh, and my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesen’t have time for a boyfriend. And I got both nipples pierced. Aight, I’m done. Char, you better fucking respond to this post, it took me like 7 minutes to write. Lata.

MBE: "That's why he's easy, easy like Sunday morning. Since 1497."


fun times

Sounds like it was worth the trip just to see what you don’t want to look like! BTW, in all my travels, I have never seen a Jewish monkey with pierced nipples attending a muscle expo. This has got to go down in the record books.

Funny you wrote this, Ape Man! I commented in a post I JUST put up today about how the Bodybuilding Sub-Culture really fasinated me. I probably would have really enjoyed your outing!

These guys and gals that I enjoy reading about really perplex me, though. In an endeavor that’s meant to embody health and fitness, they can do quite the opposite (as your report indicated). Strange…

Hey, Bro…which came first; the breakup OR the piercing? Hey…if a chick doesn’t know what she’s got in the “Orangutan Man”, it’s HER loss, baby! (Is she a hottie?)Oh well…

You mean not ONE of the Fitness Honey’s made the ole’ Monkey Lovestick do the Willie-Bob? (Timea MUST have not been there!)

Kewl stuff, MB! I really enjoyed the report!

MUFASA: “A Lion with one HELLuva’ headache since Scar had me run over by Wilderbeast In 1997”- Hakuna…Matata…!

Yo - E - Why you wear yo pants like dat???

Avoids- You forgot to add tattoos as well.
Mufasa- The rings came first, actually. They’re almost done healing (increased sensitivity is good in some situations). And Timea was there but she reminded me very much of a grilled Barbie doll. BTW, Muf, I’mona get me some that scar, bitch. Pop a cap in his azz, don’t think I won’t. Gots ta be representin’ tha entire jungle kingdom come Monkey, Lion, Toucan, Reptizizles, whatevuh. You know I’d skin a Puffalump for you, bro. Word is bond.
D_END- You last but you ain’t least. Why tha playa hatin’? Can’t a Monkey do as he please? No static, holmes, but this here is mah stizyle. No excuses, no abuses. Word.

MBE: “In full effect, gonna bug out like a broken neck since 1969 got the time bust a rhyme break it down.”


Damn, after reading about your wkend my just seemed to get a whole lot better. Shit, and all I did was get the pool ready for summer cut grass and get a couple of kick asss wkouts in. May not be exciting but it works for me and it sure beats the hell out of meeting Jay (dead pool) Cutler.

yeah dude i met culter about 2 weeks ago, that dude is a freak. he was wearing jeans, but i dont know how the hell he got them on.

Monkeyboy, I didn’t know you were an Islander. Where at man? I thought half of the people living/lifting on this fish were too dumb to even read, let alone absorb and apply the information presented here. Glad to know I was wrong, bro. I’m in Glen Cove, btw; you’re like 10 min from me, more than likely. Small world; very cool.

Dead, bro, I wouldn’t consider it a bad weekend at all, just a bit off-center. Gee, shock for the kids, MBE and off-center appearing together. Anyhows, Cutler, Horseface, and the Plascateers didn’t ruin my day. Actually I worked out in the free T-shirt (My last EDT workout of the program). Even the gf thing didn’t get to me. It’s all good. Maybe it’s the fact that I now have deep cuts in my shoulders, hypersensitive nips, and free passes to NOC (Night Of Champions).

Trev- I’m in Great Neck, bro. Been to Glen Cove plenty of times. Throw me an email: kromemunkee@ the america thing (they never let me print it for some reason). Lata. Shit, Pride fighting is on soon.

MBE: “Balls to the wall. But I didn’t say whose, since 1972.”


Uhhhhhh? Was I hatin’? I was quotin’ Eazy E atcha. Don’t get it twisted…I ain’t mad atcha. Play on Playah!

Kinda makes you think if it’s time that the fitness chicks rethink the word “natural”…hmmmm. “Resin” looking. Oh, how I laughed. he he he. MBE, that’s the some of the wittiest “7-minutes” I’ve read!

MB, I apologize for getting to the party late. I had a day out in the wilderness with my woman yesterday, got back late, got to sleep later, woke up even later, just now hittin’ the computer. Props for your post, man. Good stuff. I hereby proclaim that MBE is the best, the wittiest, the trash-talk-havin’est T-magger in the land. All hail, all hail!

Man, I’ve gotta get back stateside one of these days and actually meet some of you T-phreaks in person. Lord knows I love Japan, but they just ain’t got that wacked out personality thing goin’. Need some of that, need some baaaad.

Hey, sorry to hear about your former female, my friend. Don’t you hate that “I’m too busy to have a boyfriend now” line? Like if she really wanted to hang out with you she wouldn’t make some time in her hafta-meet-with-the-head-of- TIme-Warner-at-ten-fifteen-and-have -lunch-with-Bill-Gates-at-noon schedule. (Do women think that guys actually feel better when they say that?!?) But like you already know, it’s all good, 'cause there’s another cardi-ho waiting for your hairy ass right around the corner. And this one’s better, brighter, curvier, sassier and generally just more up your anthropod alley than the last one!

Char-dawg: About to embark on the MAG-10 journey, since 10:30 last night.

Hey, I dropped by there today (live like 10 min. from the area),… yeah, Cutler iks huge, and his chest actually comes out a lot further than his stomache, which I guess puts him ahead of most of the other pros.

As far as the sub culture,… I was with two buds of mine who compete in the NPC, both are about 225, solid, and dress very inconspicuously… and we got to watch some real wackos,… fat teenagers in tank tops and baggy pants (maybe all of 160 lbs dripping wet, or totally fat)… then this one old guy who when Cutler was telling me how he’s probably not gonnqa do the olympia, cuz now he’s making so much $$ with his appearances,… this guy grabs Jay’s arm, and starts droning on about striking when the irons hot (and all these other cliches)… I love lifting, but there are some sorry, deluded sickos out there who I think genuinely live vicariously through what they read in those shit mags.

To MonkeyBoy and Trev
I laughed my ass off reading your description of Sepe. Sounds about right. Trev: I too grew up in Glen Cove. Worked out at the gym by the train station. Live in Manhattan now

I met Sepe at a Musclemag grand opening in southern california 2 years ago. When I met him, he totally fit the bodybuilders being meatheads stereotype. I knew then he didn’t write any of those columns he has in Musclemag.

Yo, T-freque, thought you was going to drop me a line, son. What is that? I mean hell, shite ‘n all. All gots ta be hatin’. Daymn. Hehe. Oh, in other MBE news, I will be attending the Night Of Champions (and the afterparty) and will more than extremely likely post a FULL report about the entire debaucherous eve. Lata.

MBE: “Nastifyin’ it awl up in this hizowse since whenevuh.”


Hatin’? Never that. I sent you an email, though I may have spelled something wrong. I’m gonna try to send another, but if you don’t get it, toss me one: FatSnooky@ the america shite. In response to your monkey news, I’m currently in the process of gittin’ tickets to Night of the Champions. Hopefully it won’t fall through. I’ll talk to you soon, bro. Trev - “Lon Giland, Ya Heard?” since 1578 . . . I hadda.

You have quite a way with words son! Timea looked like a grilled barbie doll. That is fucking hilarious.

Just happy to entertain mah T-bro. Play on play up.

MBE: "Likes the way he works out, no diggety. None. Since 1332."