My Life

So I started a blog recently:

Largely because my life is so messed up and I think it’ll help to share.

I’m currently trying to figure out how to move out but even though I have a good job the housing market is making it almost impossible to afford even with my second job.

Anyway, feel free to check it out and if you’ve got any helpful suggestions please throw them out.


Hey man, sounds like you got the shit end of the stick. Truthfully, you’re in much worse of a situation than most, but, on the other hand… you’re in much better than most.

Seeing a psychologist will help.

I’ve listed a fuckload of my problems and emotions on this website, it helps. Even though I’m fairly ‘close’ with a bunch of people on here, technically, they’re all still strangers. Sometimes just telling anyone whats on your mind can help.
Seeing a psychologist will probably help, it definitly wont hurt.

As for the people in your life other than your family, do you have any really close friends? Any confidents? Anyone you can talk to?

Just remember man, life has its ups and downs. You’re at a pretty shitty down right now, but it will get better. Seriously.

Keep your chin up, man.

I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there (recently). It hits home for me because many of the things you are facing, I have gone through. Just know that what you’re experiencing is normal. The feelings, emotions, the way people respond and act. Everything is normal. A lot of what you wrote in your blog was almost identical to what I went through.

Your best bet is to talk to someone from church and also someone from Hospice. They will be able to answer many questions you have and be able to offer grief assistance and more.

When my father was told last February that he had 4-6 months to live, we were all overwhelmed. It was only a few months prior to that when everything seemed okay and that he was getting better. He had fought the battle for quite some time.

When I read his diary, I was amazed at the amount of strength that was required to get through EACH day. I never knew what he was dealing with (emotionally, physically, psychologically) even though I was with him each day! It’s difficult to know how much pain and suffering those with cancer go through on a daily basis. You can’t even imagine it, even if you’re there with them all the time. I was there with my dad, and I would get upset because he wouldn’t eat, or he wouldn’t try to do other things. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it was the fact that it was painful or that he lacked the desire/motivation due to the treatments or medications.

When he told us that he had 4-6 months, we were all upset. I went through all the typical emotions. Denial. Anger. Disbelief. Hope. Acceptance. My father was positive that there was some special treatment options that could turn things around. And he went through with it, even though it made things worse and eventually, shortened his time.

But there was a point when my father knew he wasn’t going to live. We were always encouraging him to eat and tried to do our best to help him. But all we were doing was prolonging his pain. It was hard for us to see that by trying to get him to eat, we were making him suffer. He was on so many medications (one to counter the other’s side effects), that nothing in his body felt or worked normal. And that little bit of food he did eat only kept him in pain and barely alive.

He refused to eat many times, and we had to accept his decision, not force him to do something he didn’t want. He knew his body was beginning to fail. And that’s when he was ready to go. He fought long and hard. He said his peace to us. And we had to accept that this was to be.

He was hospitalized one week prior to his death because he was vomiting blood. The cancer had taken a toll on his bowels, lungs, heart and bones. Although they were able to help him after a stay in the hospital for the weekend, I knew that he was going to die within the next few days or the week. I could feel it. I could tell because, although he looked and felt a lot better the day he was released from the hospital, he was having problems speaking and remembering. He was never like that until that very moment, and I knew his end was near.

Within a few days, he went from being able to speak, to barely being able to mumble a few words. By the following Friday, he had begun to die. I was by his side from that point on. We provided his end-of-life support at home until he passed at 10:55 am on Sunday morning.

I cried a lot during the course of that weekend. I cried when he died before me. I cried the rest of that day. I cried alone and among friends and family. I let it all out. And I’ve cried at different points since then when I thought about him (and how he would have turned 55 on January 14).

There were several things that helped me deal with everything. Being saved and becoming a Christian helped me in many ways. I was also fortunate that I was close to my dad, and that I was able to be here for him almost on a daily basis. I was fortunate to have tremendous support from Stacey, family and friends. I was fortunate that a church that I was new to was able to offer assistance in many ways without knowing me or my dad. And I was fortunate that people I didn’t even know on T-Nation stepped up with words of encouragement, support, sorrow, and more (even financial help).

So I know what it’s like. And I know that things will change positively and negatively in the next few months for you. But in the end, it will change you as a person (hopefully for the better) and it will strengthen you in many ways. It’s not the situation that matters, it’s the way you react and respond. Use this as a way to change your life in some positive way. To become a better person. To establish a positive relationship with God. To become closer to family and friends. Talk to someone. And know that you’re not alone.

Thanks Nate.

The girl that just broke up with me got me going to church and it’s good so I’m going to keep going. It’s not going to help that I have to see her there though.