T Nation

My Life: Part II

for part 1:
http://www.t-nation.com/readTopic.do?id=491974

It took a while, but I’m making my way back. Not just here, but in life. I finally have an apartment and all that goes with it. It’s a good thing, too because couch jumping gets real old real fast. And I don’t think I could handle another night sleeping in my car.

Anyway, I can’t say I’m totally over my wife, but I feel OK, now. I guess I’ve come to accept that it is over. We still talk about once a week and they are generally decent conversations, although there never really seems to be a point to our coversations.

Sometimes we talk just to see what’s up with each other. Sometimes we talk and reminisce just to hear our voices choke and eyes water up. I still miss her. I think. Maybe I just miss what we had. Maybe I wonder if I will ever have that with another person. I don’t know what it is, but I miss something. But, at the same time, I feel better now than I have in months.

Thank god for the gym. I may sound like my proirities are screwed up, but working out is the most important thing in my life right now. I don’t think that’s bad either. I no longer have a wife or anyone to look after, it’s just me. I keep myself busy lifting and I keep myself happy.

I plan on going back to school in the January semester, but I don’t know if I will be able to afford it. For those that don’t know, California has some ridiculously low resident rates. I encourage those out there to take advantage of it. Unfortunately, in Wisconsin they are much higher.

With everything that took place this summer, I’m living on a very tight budget and may have to put the school thing off for a couple months.

I can’t say that I’m still friends with everybody that I was before I moved to California. I’ve gone out and hung out with a few of my old friends and it was awkward. However, I have a couple friends that have been helpful, and we still get along great.

I don’t think this post will be quite as long as the other one; there won’t be much changing in my life from day to day. At least not for a little while. For now I’m just taking my simple life and going day-today with it. Thanks to all that offered advice and well-wishing. It was appreciated.

Enjoying the beer and snow,
Toddy

PS The Packers are 6-0 since I’ve come back to Wisconsin. Karma…?

No, it’s not karma. Go cheese-heads!

Good to hear from you bro. Glad to hear everything is going well (relatively speaking).

Hey man, I missed your first post. Glad to hear things are going better for ya. I for one, am getting tired of this place(I live in Eau Claire, WI), I HATE winter!

Anyway, we all know sometimes life can really suck, but no matter where you go, there you are(and the T-Nation is always there for ya!). Good luck man!

You can’t live in the past!!! Look forward.

From my own experience, everytime something drastic happen that sends you to a real low, you always come back stronger and better off than before.

I don’t know if it’s just me being lucky, or???

Only loosers live in the past! Do yourself a favor and drop what’s from the past. Learn from in and move on.

Todd, nice to see you back at T-Nation, and glad to hear things in your life are improving.

Things will get better, just keep your head up.

Things are getting better. Thanksgiving was rough. I ended up just spending the day alone watching football, then going in the back yard to play with my new keg. I’m sure Christmas will be hard, too.

One of the hardest things for me right now is that I dream about Liz almost every night. Some nights are dreams that are not about her, but she is just in, with no thoughts of us being apart. Some are dreams of us being apart and what we are going through. Others are just weird dreams that feature her but aren’t related to the current situation in any way.

No matter what the dream is, though, I always wake up a little sad and missing her. I then need to hurry up and get on with my day or else I’ll sit in bed(really just a blanket on a hardwood floor) and mope for hours.

It’s hard to move on, and I wonder how much do I want to move on. Do I really never want to talk to her again? If we talk, will I ever be able to just talk and not wish for the past? I guess only time will help me get over it all.

Like sand through an hourglass,
Toddy

Don’t know if this will help or not but…

A few years ago I worked out with two guys on holiday here in Pattaya. One of them was in exactly the same situation as you Malonetd.

What his friend did was he went and bought two tickets and more or less forced him to come along. In Pattaya, every time he started to think about his X his friend dragged him to a bar to pick up a lady. This would happen 3 - 4 times per day!! but the guy said that after 3 weeks he was a new man and he was very grateful for what his friend did. This guy was so low he was considering suicide but a lot of different ladies and sex cured him.

Might work, Thailand holiday for X-mas New Year?

Well, it’s been a while since I added anything here; pretty much because not much has changed.

I spent Christmas alone as expected and I wasn’t really that sad or depressed about it. Of course I was probably still excited about the Packers beating the Vikings the day before.

Anyway, for the most part I have just been moving along in life. Taking it day-by-day. I usually have good days, but every now and then I get down, but for the most part I make a conscious effort to stay positive and be happy with what I have.

I’m also trying hard to meet and see other girls. I actually met and have gone out a couple times with a girl I’ve now known for a couple months. It took me a while to build up the nerve to make a move and I still get just a little nervous around her, but we have had some fun together.

One thing did happen when were out one night, though. We were drinking, so I don’t know how much of a role this played, but she told me she “doesn’t want to be the first girl” after my wife. I didn’t know how to react. I got upset and told her “then don’t” and started to walk out on her.

Let me back up a little here. Our first night alone together we spent a long time just talking. Just out of nowhere she asked me if I had ever been married. It caught me off guard, but I told her yes and I still am.

For the record, I didn’t plan on telling her anytime soon. I don’t know when I would have or why I didn’t want to, it’s just one of those things that is awkward to bring up. Is it going to offend or repel the girl? And not just her, any girl I talk to. Do girls avoid divorced men? Men going through divorces? What goes through their minds?

I know some people would just say forget about her and girls like her and bang as many chicks as you can. The thing is, I’m not really that type. As much as I want(need) some ass right now, I just like the companionship of this girl.

By no means am I trying to look long term or make something serious out of this, but we do have a good time together. I just don’t know what the hell is going through her mind regarding my situation. I can see how it could be awkward or difficult to deal with, but come on, I just want to see you and go out every now and then.

I dont’t know. Maybe I should just be out for the easy girls right now and get as much ass as possible. I just don’t see that as helping me get over Liz. When I hang out with this chick, I feel better about myself and life. I think it helps me realize that I can have fun and eventually find another girl to be with.

I just don’t know where going through a divorce leaves me in the dating situation.

And not completely unrelated; it’s amazing how divorce will turn two people into such assholes to eachother. I had to close our joint account because she was trying to get money out of it, even though she promised she wouldn’t. There’s also the digital camera she wants that I refuse to send out to her. And her engagement ring she says is hers because I gave it to her. Sorry, I gave it to you to be my wife. And you don’t want to be that anymore.

I could never imagine us being like this to eachother. Not even during the initial break-up stages. And then there’s the cost of the divorce. She asked if I would help pay for it. I said no. Why should I? You’re the one that wants it. I told her I won’t fight it, but there’s no way I will help pay for it. maybe I’m wrong, but that’s how I feel.

And what the hell do I do with all our old photos? Do I keep them or not. I keep thinking I should toss them out so I will stop looking at them and getting depressed. But will I regret not having them if I do through them out?

As you can see I don’t have the answers for anything. I try to keep happy and just move along, but there’s a;ways goign to be ups and downs. And these aren’t even related to my marriage/divorce.

For example; I finally got a bed, so my nights have been much more restful. I’m slowly starting to furnish my apartment so it actually looks like someone lives here.

But there’s also the downside; my gym just started enforcing the “no chalk rule”. They claim that the rule was always in place. Bitch, I’ve been using chalk here for 6 months!

Anyway, I’m starting to ramble. Thanks for reading and here’s to a better year. Happy 2005, everybody!

Go Packers,
Toddy

God Bless you, Good luck to you Todd!

Well, here’s a couple things I found out last night.

  1. I’m a dog and my wife probably had every right to leave.

  2. College girls are easy.

  3. At around 10 beers I start losing my ability to “perform”.

  4. When you go out to get drinks with a girl, you’re probably going to get some ass.

So this girl I have been seeing, somewhat(see previous post) goes out of town for the weekend. I work with her friend and we go out for a couple drinks after work. Anyway, it’s obvious what happens.

I know that we weren’t serious or exclusive by any means, but I don’t think that justifies sleeping with her friend. I may be wrong though.

Oh, and one last question for the ladies. Is it normal for a girl to have a bag full of condoms in her apartment? Most girls that I have known don’t even have one when you need it.

Toddy