T Nation

My Girlfriend or the Next Mother Theresa?


#21

[quote]theBird wrote:

[quote]The-German wrote:
People don’t change for others. They only change for themselves and if you are counting on that you are going to be disappointed. Biggest damn mistake people make in relationships in my opinion.
[/quote]
Thanks mate. That makes sense.

I don’t think I have been trying to “change” her, although maybe I have been a bit naive thinking that everyone has the same goals in life as I do. I suppose another factor is that I have worked hard in the past 5 years of my life to gain a financial edge(while she has not at all), and I don’t want to put myself in a situation that will jeopardise this. I know this sounds selfish, but I have sacrificed too much to live a life I don’t want to live.

tweet[/quote]

It is a good thing to be selfish…to an extent. What you are expressing sounds normal to me.

I would think of a good way to approach the subject with her and see if it is something that can be worked on.


#22

Bird,

So you pay for everything, cook, clean and she does very little? Time to figure things out or kick her to the curb.

Water polo isn’t saving the world either. If she was helping kids with cancer yes, that might be understandable.


#23

You are just a time filler until she finds something better.

Basically Candy Crush with a penis.


#24

[quote]1 Man Island wrote:

[quote]theBird wrote:
… or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet[/quote]

The social media sounds much more mind numbing.
[/quote]

My toddler and I have a grand time playing Fruit Ninja and Simon on her pad… It’s great. We celebrate the wins, and dramatize the losses…

Good fun man, good fun.


#25

Hi Bird.

So, she spends about 2 nights a week playing water polo, and 1 or 2 nights per week volunteering with the league? I was thinking this is perfect! You can to the gym and she won’t give you grief about it. :slight_smile: As Emily said, it may be more of a complaint that she’s not prioritizing and contributing to the relationship in terms of time, money, and shared work like cooking and cleaning? Differences in socioeconomic and educational goals? And differences in how you want to spend your leisure/ play time?

You mentioned incomes and contributing to shared expenses. No kids. So is it a matter of you making a lot more money, or does she not work very much/ very hard? I assume she’s not in grad school or something? Just wondering if it’s a matter of not respecting her because she doesn’t have a strong work ethic, or something else here.

Just a couple of thoughts. Contentment can be good. We tend to put a high value on self-improvement and striving for something better, pushing for more and bigger. Sometimes we do this at the expense of being happy where you are, being content in the moment. Contentment may be described as laziness or a lack of drive by someone else, right? Not being a super career-oriented woman can be fine, great even, at least for some men. Not being a super materialistic person can also be good. It’s all a matter of compatibility in terms of what you both want. I guess I’m saying that shared priorities and goals don’t always mean that there isn’t a division of labor, but if you feel she isn’t contributing in meaningful ways and you don’t share some fundamental views about what you want out of life, that’s problematic.


#26

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Just a couple of thoughts. Contentment can be good. We tend to put a high value on self-improvement and striving for something better, pushing for more and bigger. Sometimes we do this at the expense of being happy where you are, being content in the moment. Contentment may be described as laziness or a lack of drive by someone else, right?[/quote]
I just wanted to quote this since it’s a really good point. It took me several years to realize this myself.


#27

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
You are just a time filler until she finds something better.
[/quote]

This.

She doesn’t sound all that into you.

Sorry man.


#28

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Just a couple of thoughts. Contentment can be good. We tend to put a high value on self-improvement and striving for something better, pushing for more and bigger. Sometimes we do this at the expense of being happy where you are, being content in the moment. Contentment may be described as laziness or a lack of drive by someone else, right?[/quote]
I just wanted to quote this since it’s a really good point. It took me several years to realize this myself.[/quote]

Thanks, LoRez. Some of this is the domain of the middle-aged man so I think you’re ahead of the curve. We tend to be all full of ambition and bigger goals and ideas when we’re younger, and that’s as it should be. As life goes on, hopefully we start to appreciate the little things more. Relationships, slowing down to enjoy the simple things. Either that or we start to realize that we’re never going to be the CEO or whatever, and maybe it’s not even something we want. There are other quality of life issues to consider in terms of this finite existence. It’s a more Eastern or Buddhist way of thinking in some ways. I’m trying to be more focused on enjoying the present, rather than always thinking about the next thing.

Kind of a funny story. I had this friend who lived in our neighborhood for a couple of years about 16 years ago. We both had tiny kids. She was such a bohemian type, completely a free spirit, and not attached to things in the least. I’ve never known anyone quite like her. At the time, I was a young mother and like so many of my friends was focused on things like buying our first home, and going all Martha Stewart on it. The acquisition, nesting, and settling down phase where you spend a lot of time planning home renovations, buying stuff, looking at crap at Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel.

Anyway, she and her hubs moved down to the beach and lived in a tiny rental cottage during the off season. They had this old custom van, and they would go down the coast and just live in it for a few weeks like surf bums. Then they moved up to the bay area and just camped the first summer they were there and showered at the Y, didn’t even look for a house. She was an artist and would paint this amazing pictures on vintage jeans and sell them. Meanwhile, most of my friends were busy buying even bigger homes and worrying about picking out crown molding. She was just so refreshing because she was so completely different in terms of her priorities. I think she forever changed how I think about stuff. It all seemed a lot less important anyway. And I’ve adopted a more minimalist attitude with regard to some things. Like I don’t care about it at all. Very freeing.

Huge threadjack. Sorry, Bird.


#29

I may catch some flack for this, but i dont necessarily see it as just you being a dick. You say you do the finances, and pay for most everything, and i assume you do the cooking/laundry/housework since you say that she doesnt have time for it due to her volunteering. For relationships to work, both parties have to put forth 100% effort. It seems to me that youre putting forth all the effort, and shes just cruising by, throwing some cash in for groceries every other week.

But, like everything else, we’re only hearing one side of the story. Do you have any common interests, or do anything together in the little spare time that you do have? You never mentioned if she worked or what she does for a living, if shes unemployed she has no reason to at least help with the cooking or keeping the place clean. If she does have a job and just doesnt want to pay for things, thats a different story altogether…you guys need to sit down and have an adult conversation about the direction this relationship is going in moving forward.


#30

it sounds to me like shes just bored to be honest.

My Mrs does volenteer at a womans help line once a month, its like 3 hours on a tuesday from 5-pm to 8pm. This is a good cause and she enjoys it

However, its not a big deal because 1)i work away 2)it gives her something good to do and make a difference to women 3)she does stuff with me when i am home

I think you need to try and engage her in activities you both do

I hate sitting and “reading t nation or social media (which i dont have)” its such a boring mind numbing waste of time. Do something better, go out some where or just get naked together. Whatever happened to just getting naked and having a good time?!


#31

[quote]therajraj wrote:

[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
You are just a time filler until she finds something better.
[/quote]

This.

She doesn’t sound all that into you.

Sorry man.

[/quote]

x3 quit it


#32

Thanks for the ongoing advice friends.
To be completely honest with you, I still am not sure where this is all going, but I am kind of ok with that.

In the past few days I am wondering if I have an anxiety problem or maybe even some bipolar issues, although I don’t feel that I am depressed. More of a unsatisfied feeling, where I feel I should be doing/achieving more. I suppose its complicated.

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#33

[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
Hi Bird.

So, she spends about 2 nights a week playing water polo, and 1 or 2 nights per week volunteering with the league? I was thinking this is perfect! You can to the gym and she won’t give you grief about it. :slight_smile: As Emily said, it may be more of a complaint that she’s not prioritizing and contributing to the relationship in terms of time, money, and shared work like cooking and cleaning? Differences in socioeconomic and educational goals? And differences in how you want to spend your leisure/ play time?

You mentioned incomes and contributing to shared expenses. No kids. So is it a matter of you making a lot more money, or does she not work very much/ very hard? I assume she’s not in grad school or something? Just wondering if it’s a matter of not respecting her because she doesn’t have a strong work ethic, or something else here.

Just a couple of thoughts. Contentment can be good. We tend to put a high value on self-improvement and striving for something better, pushing for more and bigger. Sometimes we do this at the expense of being happy where you are, being content in the moment. Contentment may be described as laziness or a lack of drive by someone else, right? Not being a super career-oriented woman can be fine, great even, at least for some men. Not being a super materialistic person can also be good. It’s all a matter of compatibility in terms of what you both want. I guess I’m saying that shared priorities and goals don’t always mean that there isn’t a division of labor, but if you feel she isn’t contributing in meaningful ways and you don’t share some fundamental views about what you want out of life, that’s problematic.

[/quote]
Hi Powderpuff,

Sorry, your post slipped me.

To answer your questions;
You are right, its more of a complaint of socioeconomic goals. I suppose the difference is because how we were brought up. I was brought up by migrant parents who were, and still are hard working, in the aim of making tomorrow better/easier.

We don’t have any kids, and she is defiantly not lazy. To be fair she does probably does more than her fair share of cooking etc., although I feel that I cook better and when I clean, I clean things better. Im going to get flamed for this. I suppose one major concern is that if we do have kids, I want them to be brought up as ambitious, educated etc etc.

You make an interesting point about contentment, and the issue of contentment is something that I have to work out for myself at the moment.

tweet


#34

[quote]theBird wrote:
although I feel that I cook better and when I clean, I clean things better.

tweet[/quote]

Pretty much every guy I know is like this. Doesn’t cook regularly, but takes great pride in their chili, steaks, and the other two dishes they know how to make well. Likewise, only clean once a month or two, but clean the shit out of the entire place.