T Nation

My Girlfriend or the Next Mother Theresa?


#1

Ok, so I know this is not SAMA but I need some advice regarding my girlfriend of about 2 years.

This may sound a little silly/selfish but I have always believed that charity starts at home. I have nothing against helping out, but I am a firm believer that one should looks after their own family and health before anything else.

My issue is that my gf seems to spend a lot of time volunteering for things such as umpiring at her local water polo league. She does not get paid for this, and she seems to be doing it most weeks (once or twice a week) when its meant to be shared throughout the team. This is just one example. But this takes away valuable time away from her evenings, meaning she has no time for the gym/to cook dinner/help with the housework etc etc. Keeping in mind she already spends 2 days a week in the evenings for team training.

Am I been a dick for thinking that she should be more selfish, and prioritize her time more for herself?? Im getting the feeling that people are taking advantage of the "generous" side of herself and that she is been a bit gullible.

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#2

If she enjoys doing it and doesn’t say anything about how she would prefer to do something else, then isn’t she doing it because she enjoys it?


#3

[quote]magick wrote:
If she enjoys doing it and doesn’t say anything about how she would prefer to do something else, then isn’t she doing it because she enjoys it?[/quote]
Good point.

I suppose we are just different people, in terms of the fact that I am constantly after self improvement in all area of my life, while she does not seem to have the motivation to do so.

Another example is that in our free time Im often reading the latest article in T-Nation to try and improve my lifting, or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet for hours on end.

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#4

Are you looking for her to “prioritize her time more for herself” or prioritize her time for you? If for you, your gripe is not her tendency to generosity, it’s that she doesn’t pull her weight at home and/or doesn’t offer as much companionship as you would like. If you’re going to discuss the matter with her, you should be clear what your issue is. Going in with “you’re being taken advantage of” is going to leave you frustrated because if she doesn’t feel that way, the discussion is over. “You’re taking advantage of me” is another matter. There you have something to discuss.


#5

pics


#6

I agree with this. Also what are you doing around the house? If you are contributing a lot more then you have a gripe there. With regard to her not having time for the gym. If she wanted to go go the gym more she would and the moment you complain she doesn’t you are asking for trouble.

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Are you looking for her to “prioritize her time more for herself” or prioritize her time for you? If for you, your gripe is not her tendency to generosity, it’s that she doesn’t pull her weight at home and/or doesn’t offer as much companionship as you would like. If you’re going to discuss the matter with her, you should be clear what your issue is. Going in with “you’re being taken advantage of” is going to leave you frustrated because if she doesn’t feel that way, the discussion is over. “You’re taking advantage of me” is another matter. There you have something to discuss. [/quote]


#7

[quote]theBird wrote:
Am I been a dick
[/quote]

Yes.


#8

[quote]Sheed3K wrote:
I agree with this. Also what are you doing around the house? If you are contributing a lot more then you have a gripe there. With regard to her not having time for the gym. If she wanted to go go the gym more she would and the moment you complain she doesn’t you are asking for trouble.

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Are you looking for her to “prioritize her time more for herself” or prioritize her time for you? If for you, your gripe is not her tendency to generosity, it’s that she doesn’t pull her weight at home and/or doesn’t offer as much companionship as you would like. If you’re going to discuss the matter with her, you should be clear what your issue is. Going in with “you’re being taken advantage of” is going to leave you frustrated because if she doesn’t feel that way, the discussion is over. “You’re taking advantage of me” is another matter. There you have something to discuss. [/quote]
[/quote]
I agree with both of you. I suppose I wish that we were on more similar “levels”. Ive worked hard to be where I am, and to live the lifestyle that I live. I kind of wish she would appreciate it more and contribute to it more. Maybe we are just too different, or maybe I am just over demanding?

Ive got some major decisions to make once againâ?¦

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#9

hey Birdie Old Freind!

here’s the deal - you need to like/love her for what she is, not what you can mold her into being.

she’s not into training, that is your gig, not hers.

Also, she gets some pleasure/comfort out of her volunteering - you don’t and that is just the way it is.

The mistakes that couples make is that they try to change the person that is in thier life, and it is a bad mistake.

A woman is like a delicate flower - you need to feed it, water it, bath it in sunlight, but not too much, and encourage it to grow.

my $.02~


#10

[quote]RampantBadger wrote:
pics[/quote]


#11

[quote]theBird wrote:
… or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet[/quote]

The social media sounds much more mind numbing.


#12

[quote]theBird wrote:
I suppose we are just different people, in terms of the fact that I am constantly after self improvement in all area of my life, while she does not seem to have the motivation to do so.[/quote]

I suggest you be careful with this, because this reads rather quite condescending and rather ignorant of what drives other people.

[quote]theBird wrote:
Another example is that in our free time Im often reading the latest article in T-Nation to try and improve my lifting, or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet for hours on end.
[/quote]

See, people would just as easily argue that spending time and enjoying yourself is even better than spending time on Twitter (I personally find Twitter the realm of the narcissist). She enjoys her tablet game. You do not. The issue is when you attempt to apply value in an objective manner to activities that are inherently subjective in their worth.

I mean… I could just as easily say that both of you are wasting your time because you’re not studying another language or some shit.


#13

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Are you looking for her to “prioritize her time more for herself” or prioritize her time for you? If for you, your gripe is not her tendency to generosity, it’s that she doesn’t pull her weight at home and/or doesn’t offer as much companionship as you would like. If you’re going to discuss the matter with her, you should be clear what your issue is. Going in with “you’re being taken advantage of” is going to leave you frustrated because if she doesn’t feel that way, the discussion is over. “You’re taking advantage of me” is another matter. There you have something to discuss. [/quote]

Bingo.


#14

[quote]Edgy wrote:

…A woman is like a delicate flower [/quote]

Sexist bullshit.
A woman is a person with their own moral agency and responsibility and you should discuss these things in a relationship sooner than later so you don’t have to go on internet forums and work them out.


#15

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:

…A woman is like a delicate flower [/quote]

Sexist bullshit.
A woman is a person with their own moral agency and responsibility and you should discuss these things in a relationship sooner than later so you don’t have to go on internet forums and work them out.[/quote]
I agree, although I disagree with the comment regarding discussing this on a forum. T-Nation and SAMA have been helping people get through the toughest scenarios in relationship since forever.

I suppose this issue is only one that I am concerned about. Something else that is bugging me is that the major financial side of things is totally up to me. Im responsible for the rent, bills etc etc. She does pay for the groceries every 2nd week. But Im just not comfortable with having someone rely on me for everything. I want to have a partner in life to help me achieve my/our goals in life. Sometimes I feel like she might as well be my child.

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#16

[quote]theBird wrote:

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:

…A woman is like a delicate flower [/quote]

Sexist bullshit.
A woman is a person with their own moral agency and responsibility and you should discuss these things in a relationship sooner than later so you don’t have to go on internet forums and work them out.[/quote]

I agree, although I disagree with the comment regarding discussing this on a forum. T-Nation and SAMA have been helping people get through the toughest scenarios in relationship since forever.

I suppose this issue is only one that I am concerned about. Something else that is bugging me is that the major financial side of things is totally up to me. Im responsible for the rent, bills etc etc. She does pay for the groceries every 2nd week. But Im just not comfortable with having someone rely on me for everything. I want to have a partner in life to help me achieve my/our goals in life. Sometimes I feel like she might as well be my child.

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[/quote]

Holy SHIT man. HUGE RED FLAG.

I’m assuming you guys don’t have kids and she’s not a stay at home Mom or anything, right?

You NEED to get the hell of these forums and communicate this ALL to her.

And I mean EVERYTHING…how you feel like she’s a child sometimes, how you feel you’re not being treated equitably financially, etc…

If she doesn’t respond positively(highly unlikely) it’s time to GTFO because shit’s going to get lightyears worse.


#17

[quote]theBird wrote:

[quote]magick wrote:
If she enjoys doing it and doesn’t say anything about how she would prefer to do something else, then isn’t she doing it because she enjoys it?[/quote]
Good point.

I suppose we are just different people, in terms of the fact that I am constantly after self improvement in all area of my life, while she does not seem to have the motivation to do so.

Another example is that in our free time Im often reading the latest article in T-Nation to try and improve my lifting, or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet for hours on end.

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The two minutes it takes to read the newest T-Nation article? Getting on facebook, and twitter are somehow improvement processes? I would suggest that “connect the bubbles” is by far a more brain stimulating activity than facebook and twitter.


#18

[quote]mbdix wrote:

[quote]theBird wrote:

[quote]magick wrote:
If she enjoys doing it and doesn’t say anything about how she would prefer to do something else, then isn’t she doing it because she enjoys it?[/quote]
Good point.

I suppose we are just different people, in terms of the fact that I am constantly after self improvement in all area of my life, while she does not seem to have the motivation to do so.

Another example is that in our free time Im often reading the latest article in T-Nation to try and improve my lifting, or interacting in social media on twitter for example, while she would prefer to play some mind-numbing “connect the bubbles” on her tablet for hours on end.

tweet[/quote]

The two minutes it takes to read the newest T-Nation article? Getting on facebook, and twitter are somehow improvement processes? I would suggest that “connect the bubbles” is by far a more brain stimulating activity than facebook and twitter.
[/quote]

Agreed completely.

It can be very fulfilling to help others and impact people’s lives; arguably more fulfilling than building upon yourself. It doesnt sound like there is anything wrong with her besides the fact that she isn’t like you. You don’t go into a relationship planning to change your SO; that is a waste of both your time. You find someone who fits with your ideal life or is at least pretty close.

People don’t change for others. They only change for themselves and if you are counting on that you are going to be disappointed. Biggest damn mistake people make in relationships in my opinion.


#19

[quote]mbdix wrote:
The two minutes it takes to read the newest T-Nation article? Getting on facebook, and twitter are somehow improvement processes? I would suggest that “connect the bubbles” is by far a more brain stimulating activity than facebook and twitter.
[/quote]
Sorry, the examples I gave were not clear. I was probably just making the point that our interests are different, and I feel we are on different “levels”. I don’t do Facebook, although I might spend 10 minutes a day on twitter, usually making my voice heard on live political TV shows.

Anyway, thanks everyone for all of the advice. No kids involved here. I am a firm believe that once kids are involved, there is no turning back and thats probably a large part of the reason this is bothering me. Im going away for a few days by myself for a conference and that should give me some time alone to contemplate my scenario.

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#20

[quote]The-German wrote:
People don’t change for others. They only change for themselves and if you are counting on that you are going to be disappointed. Biggest damn mistake people make in relationships in my opinion.
[/quote]
Thanks mate. That makes sense.

I don’t think I have been trying to “change” her, although maybe I have been a bit naive thinking that everyone has the same goals in life as I do. I suppose another factor is that I have worked hard in the past 5 years of my life to gain a financial edge(while she has not at all), and I don’t want to put myself in a situation that will jeopardise this. I know this sounds selfish, but I have sacrificed too much to live a life I don’t want to live.

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