I am killing myself.
The realization that I am killing myself just dawned on me. Since fifth grade I have had some extra pounds, I am 28.5 now, so I can safely say that most of my memories are of me being overweight.
Its being a while since I have visited the site. I came across the Physique Clinic articles and read about bartl and novagreg’s adventures. It was interesting seeing them change, especially Bartl his change was phenomenal.
I was hooked, I spend 6 hours reading their posts, cutting and pasting their workouts and nutrition so I can reverse engineer it and use it for my transformation.
Thib’s transformation article is still saved in my bookmarks.
I have been thinking a lot about Shugart’s article on the Psychology of Physical Rebirth. The thing is I do not experience emotional spikes. I am never to happy or sad, which also means I never get angry.
Shit has happened in my life, things that made me uncomfortable or vulnerable…I love the beach yet I never swim, being shirtless really bothers me. I went on a date with a really attractive girl and we were going to go to the Ferris Wheel only to realize that I do not fit in the safety bars so I could not be on the ride.
Things like that just become memories, they suck, but they have never fueled my spark.
I was checking my profile so I was curious to see my 18 posts…and I came across this post of mine written on 10/11/06 (a day after my birthday)
[quote]I am fat. This is not the girly type of fat, its not 5 pounds that I got to lose, I weigh 255 pounds and I am 5’10". What I am trying to do is change my lifestyle.
I have identified my sticking point to cooking. I can make myself go to the gym 5 times a week, but I eat like crap, which produces no body change, which in turn depresses me, which in turn takes my motivation away from working out.
I know its a problem, I keep restarting my work out and I keep messing up my meals. Today was my birthday, the only thing I did was hang out with my roommate…and ate a lot.
Tonight I am going to sleep and tomorrow I am going to get up and try to change my life forever. I am tired of being a loser, I always come last in everything I do. My IQ is 150, classified under super genius, yet I have problems with the way I eat. Its pathetic.
I am getting sidetracked, what I am trying to say is my life sucks, and I know its my fault. Becoming 27 today made me realize that I keep getting older and hide behind excuses.
What pretty much all of you said was, suck it up, if that is what you want to do you should be able to do it, just plan a little and spend some time cooking.
And that is exactly what my plan is going to be.
Sounded pretty convincing right?
…so now I am 28.5, one and a half years later I weight 275…well that is just a guess I am afraid to get on the scale. Maybe I am 280 or more who knows.
And this realization was my click. What has fueled me today. I am getting fatter and fatter soon I will be more than 100 pounds overweight, if I am not already.
I can either give up and become one of those freaks that lie on a bed unable to move or I can do something about it.
I am doing something about it.
This is it.