T Nation

My Brother Is Ruining My Life

I am a 21-year old junior college student currently living at home, unfotrunately. But that’s beside the point. My 19-year old brother is a meth addict demonstrating borderline schizophrenic behavior, and he’s runing both my life and my mother’s life. NO education, NO job, just sits in the dark all day whacks off to cheap porn. Every day he confronts my mother, demands money and the use of her car, yells abusive, incoherent nonsense at her, and won’t leave her alone until she acquiesces. If she doesn’t he just steals her car. Then he goes out and gets fucked up on meth, comes home and abuses my mother even more.

He should have been kicked out of the house a long time ago, but my mom can’t bring herself to do it because he’s her fucking baby. He has a degenerative eye disease that is causing him progressive vision loss, so my mom feels that she can’t kick him out because he’s helpless. She won’t call the police on him either, because she’s afraid that he’ll get assaulted or raped in prison (he’s a skrawny white kid, easy target).

On one occasion about two months ago, I took matters into my own hands and called the cops on him myself. He threatened to kill my mother if she didn’t give him money, and even though I didn’t think he would really harm her, calling the cops was all I could do to keep myself from ripping his fucking larynx out. No MAN can just sit there when some schizophrenic meth addict threatens to kill his mother. Anyway, they found five bags of meth on him, and he got arrested… my mom begged them not to take him away but fortunately the cops did their job. My mom posted $12K (he was arrested on three charges) to bail him out the next day and is putting out several grand more for a good attourney. Can you fucking believe that? The kid threatens to KILL her, and two days later it’s “oh I’m so glad you’re home Kevie, can I make you some macaroni and cheese”?

My parents are both vehimently opposed to me calling the police on him and have critized me harshly for it. “It costs so much money to bail him out and blah blah blah.” Well, SHIT! The little bitch makes me so fucking mad when he gets high and goes off on his incoherent rants, abuses my mother, steals her car and puts others at risk by driving under the influence. I can’t just do nothing. So what the fuck do I do?

casually leave money were he can find it…hell know what to do…

when hes high and yelling and shit…call the cops on the spot using a cell or whatever so youre momo wont notice…

with any luck hell resist arrest and then hes gucked up…

beating him the hell up probably would piss your mom more…

try and convince your mom to go to a suport group or get here some info on adictions and people suporting(your mom) others peoples adictions

stuff like that

hope that helps

perhaps one of these days you’ll wish you’d gotten his stoned ass thrown behind bars. threatening to kill your mother…

This is a really sad and scary situation. Your parents really need and I stress neeeeed to go to al-anon meetings. Your bro really needs a rehab clinic. Hang in there man!!!

Speaking as someone whose 48-year-old brother just moved BACK into his parents’ condo because the brother’s wife of 1.5 years is splitting after putting up with enough verbal and physical abuse, I see 3 options:

  1. Call the police every time he’s high, or threatens anyone; rack up enough arrests that he’s put away for a long time and your folk can’t afford to get him out, so he stays there.

  2. Leave town; it won’t get better; the best option for peace of mind is to get far away, send your folk birthday cards, and say “I have no brother; he’s just some guy I used to know.”

  3. Tell him you are sorry life dealt him a rotten hand, and you want to help so that home life is more peaceful. Invite him out for a burger. You drive. Hit the child lock button. Make sure you have a shovel and rope in the trunk.

Okay, maybe #3 is a joke…but only sort of. I’ve been through a hellish few months, partially because the 19-year-old stoner with no job who doesn’t have sense or social graces or simple consideration for parents never got thrown out, always got bailed out, and it’s 30 years later and he’s still the saddest case of arrested development I’ve ever known.

Your parents won’t change based on what you say. Your brother won’t change without any stimulus to do so. They’ve created this dance, and if you try to cut in you’ll only be disappointed. Walk away and save yourself. Only reason I’M sticking in there is to make sure the (soon-to-be-ex-)wife is safe; he has a history of “not letting go” shall we say.

This is the saddest post I’ve ever written.

And now…let’s hear from some more charitable people.

iflyboats – your mom is an enabler. She has a problem. And until her problem is fixed, you won’t be able to do anything about you bro’s problems. Get her to alanon, or an addictions group. If something doesn’t happen, your bro will just drag her down the toilet, and when that well is dried up, he’ll find another.

[quote]brider wrote:
iflyboats – your mom is an enabler. She has a problem. And until her problem is fixed, you won’t be able to do anything about you bro’s problems. Get her to alanon, or an addictions group. If something doesn’t happen, your bro will just drag her down the toilet, and when that well is dried up, he’ll find another. [/quote]

What he said.

I have been in a similar situation as yours. You have to realize that no matter what you do, your brother will not change. That includes taking him to rehab and calling the police. He needs to want to kick this habit. You also need to realize that a mother thinks about a child in completely different way than you. My mother did the same exact thing. The best thing for you to do, is leave the nest as soon as possible and live your own life. This may sound harsh, but I believe it will make your life a lot happier and productive. I am not saying to give up on your brother or parents, but until he wants to change within there is really nothing you can do.

I’m cynical, so pardon me if I come off harsh(I have too much experience dealing with this kind of crap).

Get out of the house. Hold off on college for now if you have to, find as good a job as you can and struggle your ass off.

Your brother is going down a dead end road. He might have had a chance but it seems that both of your parents are hopeless in terms of getting him straight.

You can’t choose your family and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. There are a lot of bad things that can come to you if you stay in that house. I don’t know where you live, but most states have domestic violence laws that are very strict and include provisions for relatives like brothers. That means if you kick his ass one day, there could be a world of hurt for you (even though none of us would blame you). In addition, who knows what kind of people he has himself involved with, but I reckon that they
are real bad news…I never met a meth dealer that wasnt. No need for me to explain how your brother’s lifestyle could come home to roost for your family in a very violent way one day.

Leave and make your way in the world…I don’t see any other solution. Perhaps your parents will wake up one day, perhaps your brother will too, but destroying yourself holding out for those longshots is not worth it.

Best of luck. Let us know what you decide to do.

I have not been in a situation quite like this, but I would like to suggest something.

Imagine that your brother does go into a drug induced rage at some point and does try to kill your mother (or you, after all, you did call the cops on him, he may be kinda pissed at that). Now imagine what you would have wished you’d have done to prevent that. Do that now, instead of after its too late.

I agree with the other posts. Your mother is enabling your brother. She’s not going to agree with you on a course of action. Your brother is not going to change unless he wants to. You can never get someone to change unless they really want to from within themselves. Or unless you can impose some kind of force on them, i.e. imprisonment. But even then, if they don’t want to change, they’ll go right back to their old habits after prison.

So, knowing that your mother won’t help, and knowing that your brother won’t change voluntarily and is a financial, emotional, and physical danger to your entire family, you have to do whatever’s necessary to protect against him.

Regardless of whether or not you move out, you have to make sure you and you family is protected from him.

I would say that course of action should be continuing to call the cops on him until he’s safely behind bars.

That might strain things with your mother. But you can’t let her rejection of the reality of the situation prevent you from doing what’s right.

Its a tough decision. You’re still young. I don’t know if I would have had the guts at 21 to do that. I couldn’t even break up with a girl I should have broken up with at 21, let alone handle something like this. May God give you strength and protection.

Your mom is an enabler. As mentioned previously, until she gets help for herself, she’ll always be a punching bag for your brother.

Your brother sees everything he’s not everytime he looks at you. He can’t lash out at you, but he can lash out at your mom. Get out of the house. College won’t go anywhere - get a job and support yourself. Work on getting your mom some help. Then when your brother is either in rehab, or jail, you can resume your life.

This is not an easy situation, so there probably won’t be an easy solution. The only easy choice you have is whether or not to help you mom. Based on that choice, either way you go - it’s gonna suck for a while.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Most people who I have talked to about this advise me to get the hell out of this situation. Honestly, a big part of me wouldn’t mind disassociating from my fuckup family, but I have reservations. First, I don’t want there to be bad blood between my parents and I. Second, I am one quarter away from finishing my associate’s degree, and I had hoped to transfer the a university next year. That’s out of the question if I strike it out on my own - I can’t go to school and work full time to support myself. Some people can, and I admire them, but I don’t think I have that ability. Third, I feel like I need to be here for my mom, since I’m her only support when my dad is gone (which is all week since his job is two states away). I also feel that I need to be here to call the cops or defend my mom if my brother ever gets violent. Then again, I can’t keep doing that forever…

rainjack is right, she is enabling the situation.

What you really need to do is talk to your mother. Ask her if she really loves your brother. The answer will be obvious. Then inform her that she is not helping him, but may actually be killing him, and if she really loves him, she will do what needs to be done.

If she does not want to kick him out, call the cops, or send him to rehab. Also make sure your mother gets some counseling also.

This will cost a lot less then supporting an addict.

Love isn’t telling people what they want to hear, but telling them what they need to hear.