There are plenty of insecure men out there. I know of plenty of guys who get upset if their girlfriend has a male friend, or won’t let their partner go out with her friends. The insecurites just take different forms, mostly trying to control the girlfriend or wife, and in its worst form abuse.
Veljko - I have no sympathy. If you allow someone to control your actions you are making a choice. Compromise IS NOT control. Compromise is putting someone else’s needs equal to your own. They are two VERY different concepts. Evidently most of the men here don’t understand the difference, and think that listening to their partner’s feelings makes them a whipped dog somehow.
Whaaat??? What kind of a feeling is that she doesnt approve of the guys training? Its not a feeling, its an issue that has to be settled. And if she doesnt want to settle, or even discuss that issue, well, its welcome to Dumpswille for her.
My personal belief is that there are some
cases where ultimatums of the “I will leave you unless” sort are acceptable as a last resort. For example, if the partner is a severe alcoholic and all other efforts have failed and the situation is destroying the relationship, then it can be appropriate.
But for smaller matters, and especially as the first resort, it’s not acceptable.
My policy now is that anytime I get such an unwarranted and improper ultimatum on something that I have every right to do as I was planning or am doing, then I will not agree to the ultimatum, period. Even if under other circumstances I might well have or might have sought a compromise. This I think is the only way to end the issuances of such ultimatums.
If someone really would leave you over an issue of whether you go to the gym or not (etc.) or the issue of whether they can control you in these matters or not (which is probably the real issue) then this is a very sad commentary on their part of the relationship. There must not have been that much there. How are the two of you going to get through actually serious issues which WILL come up if she would not stay with you
if you disagree over whether you work out, as an example?
Where there can be a problem though is in some gray area things. For example, a man could well feel that his wife going out dancing without him, and let’s assume that he is willing to go with her when he can and this is a reasonable frequency like one or two times a month, is totally unworkable and enough basis to put his foot down that hard, it being so typical that women going out dancing leads to infidelity. But the woman might disagree and think it an unreasonable ultimatum. There are situations where it’s not so clear cut. But issues like whether someone works out or not: no.
Well, let’s see, we only know Axy’s part of the story, not the actual guy involved and not the woman involved. As I see it, one of three things happened
- She was a controlling pain in the ass who wanted a puppy, not a mate. She wanted him to stop going to the gym because he liked it and she didn't, so anything she didn't do was bad. If it was bad she had to stop it. She deserved to get dumped.
- He was not quite as innocent as is made out in this story. His obsessiveness with they gym was driving her nuts. It was obvious to her that the gym was more important than she was. She said me or the weights and lost the gamble.
- Something was really bothering her about the gym, so much that she found it very difficult to talk about. He could tell there was a deeper issue, but couldn't figure out what it was and finally gave up, on her and the relationship.
I definifetly think he did the right thing by dumping her. I know a guy with this same problem. His girlfriend thinks that body building is just a hobby, and she told him to choose as well. The sad thing is this guy was body building long before he met her. He hasn’t dumped her yet but all of his friends are keeping our fingers crossed that he does.
My hubby and I go to the gym together. We consider it quality time. We can’t do the same workouts, b/c he weighs about 120lbs more than me, but we train nearby, and we feel closer because we both share a passion for fitness and body building.
I have a feeling that once again, girls not wanting their men to go to the gym is a another sorry case of insecurity. They should get off their asses and try it themselves!!! It would do us all a favor.
Plain and simple, if any girlfriend ever said that i should stop going to the gym she would be kicked to the curb nice and quick.
Answered is this week’s Atomic dog
Michelle, how did you indent those paragraphs? That was cool! 
I have yet to meet a man whose woman can keep him out of the garage! That is where I work on my Hot Bod, not hot rod. Your friend made a good choice. There were obviously bigger issues at work in that chick.
Maaaaaaagic. grin
It's called and ordered list. You type
- to start the list, then
- at each item that gets a number, then
Regular bullited lists are
- and
I'm such a nerd! *laugh*
oh, isn’t that lovely, the forum can’t handle ascii characters… (don’t blame me!) that was: ordered list < ol > to start the list < li > for each item in the list and to end the list. To make a list with bullets, it is < ul > and < /ul > There should be no spaces in the tags.
“And, Axy, if the porn is so ‘meaningless’ why is it such a big deal to stop looking at it?” Because, Michelle, this thread is not about porn at all. It is about somebody’s personal insecurity and blaming stuff on your significant other instead,basically some kind of weird guilt transference. You simply don’t understand that a person who has problems with petty things like porn is not a person suitable to have around when you come across bigger, real problems.
I really don’t care if you like porn or not, so this is really no big deal to me. But, I do see michelle’s point. Your response to her seemed to have it backwards. If you can’t even compromise on what you admitted to being meaningless, what will you compromise on? The big important things that have real meaning to you? For me, I can easily throw out “meaningless” things. It’s the bigger issues that I am going to be far less likely to compromise on. The things that are meaningfull. If, however, you didn’t mean to imply that porn was meaningless too you, I could understand. If it was meaningfull to you, than sure, you’d be less likely to compromise. Do you understand were the confusion is?
Ah, but to me, porn is not petty at all. For many, much deeper reasons than I am going to go into here. And as someone mentioned here, TC addressed this in this week’s Atomic Dog, and though I often find him insightful, funny and amusingly crude, I think he is wrong on that point.
And now, I am bowing out of both this thread and the porn thread. I will not further debate the 'necessity' of porn, nor entertain the idea that women who don't like it are insecure controlling bitches. If you love porn, find a woman who shares your feelings, there are plenty of them out there. It's very simple, if the person you are with is controlling you, giving you ultimatiums and trying to put your balls on the mantle in a jar with break up with them. As Ironbabe so aptly wrote, "You can not complain about what you permit"
That’s correct. I would be willing to discuss big things that are important to me, but I will not even discuss some bullshit issues that have nothing to do with real world, but some woman’s personal mental inadequacies or fallacies. Going to the gym is not an issue if you are a sane person. Porn cannot be an issue unless your uncle used to fondle you in a forbidden manner when you were five year old girl. I cannot see problem with porn if you are a grown up person who has entered the genital phase of development, according to good old Dr. Freud. Compromise is not an issue here. I would not even get to the point of discussing compromise about subjects like these. Going to the gym - because nobody tells me what to do with my spare time, money and body - and trust me, I am not the person who neglects his friends or significant others because of the gym, no matter how dedicated I am. Porn - I am not into porn, but I don’t like to be told what to do and denying my right to enjoy in the benign visual stimulus that porn provides would be a sign that the person who is trying to do that is a person who has some major issues with herself and therefore most likely unsuitable for companionship in the long run. Another thing, issues like forbidden porn and “can’t go to the gym” are often accompanied by a myriad of other negative bullshit behavioral patterns that were mentioned in the other thread. In my whole life there has never been a single person whom I allowed to tell me what to do, push me around or arrange my life. Not even my parents. Not even in the rigid structural environment like the army. I have been like this since I can remember. I will not say this kind of behaviour has never brought me problems and there were many times when there was an easier way out of various situations, but trust me, if nothing else, I am proud because I have never bent my spine for anybody and there is not a single person in the whole wide world who can say that is allowed to push me around without punishment, even in the slightest manner. And yes, I am ready for compromise over important things and issues and always ready for discussion and argumentation, but I am not ready to take other people’s issues as my own and indulge them by retreating, stroke their wounded little egos and nurture their underdeveloped senses of self-accomplishment. Everything I accomplished in my life so far I did by myself and I cannot allow anybody else to tell me what the world around me should look like as soon as I have two healthy eyes connected to a brain in my head. I hope I was clear enough.
“Porn - I am not into porn, but I don’t like to be told what to do and denying my right to enjoy in the benign visual stimulus that porn provides would be a sign that the person who is trying to do tha…” Huh? That just confused me more. You just said you’re not into porn, but you can’t compromise over it? This is where I’m confused. If you can’t compromise over something you’re not really into, when do you compromise? Do you compromise over things you’re into? Well, I can only conclude no, you don’t. After all, why would you if you don’t compromise over things you DON"T care for? So, here’s the impression I’m going to take away from this (meaning I’m done with this post). You won’t compromise period, because you don’t want to be “told what to do.” And, the rest of your post only makes me feel that is correct. Now, it seems to me your going to need A) find a way to clone your exact psychology onto a woman, so she’ll agree with everthing you’ll ever do or say, so she won’t try to disagree and make you feel like you’re being “told what to do.” B)find a total and complete submissive. Over and out!!!
I don’t watch porn anyways and my girl likes to workout. No problems here.
I would definitley agree that the right decision was made. In my last relationship, my girlfriend couldn’t handle my new found love for fitness, she said “You love your body more than you love me” which was bullshit, she was just jealous cause I needed to take her home earlier than normal cause I needed to wokrout in the morning before I went to one of my two jobs. Another part of her jealousy was the fact that I made my body go from your typical high school offensive lineman body to being lean and cut. But she almost broke up with me over the fact! But I told her she needed to realize if that was worth breaking up over, and we decided to stay together(on a side note, she did break up with me a year later for her 2nd cousin, ewwwww., but I digress) But I am a P.E. major so the girls I date will either be at the same level of intensity about fitness, or they will know straight from the get go that I am fanatic, and that training is one of my top priorities. So basically if you get a girl that can’t hanlde the workouts and your love of the game, you need to find someone who does.