T Nation

Must not workout - dump her?

This thread could be somehow connected with the porn thread that has been going on recently.

This evening I spoke to a guy in my gym. A little background: he is basically a very good guy. He is pretty quiet and introvert. Young too. A few months ago guy started out working very seriously, got hooked up with anabolics and made great gains. Responsible usage, great recovery, nutrition, he is one of the rare guys in my gym that have his shit together when it comes to training. He went from like 180 to 230 lbs overnight.

This evening I asked him about his girlfriend, in fact, what did she say after he changed his appearance, obviously for the better.

He dumped her.

She did not like to see him going to the gym, even when he was natural. She told him to choose - gym or her. No explanation given, despite the fact he tried to talk to her about this. She would get hysterical, arguing and basically, it was not possible for him to reach her and see what was the real issue.

I think the guy made a good decision. He finally dumped her.

In another thread, we have porn. Meaningless porn. What about this situation? Would you stop working about because your woman or man (maybe I am biased but I cannot imagine a man saying to the woman not to go to the gym!) is so insecure ih himself/herself, he told you to choose between gym or him/her?

Back to the porn thread - I hope you got my point now.

Very curious about your replies.

I think your friend made the right decision. I wouldn’t listen to my wife if she told me not to workout anymore. Fortunately she likes that I’m in good shape. It sounds like this woman has issues. Btw there is nothing wrong with watching or looking at porn.:slight_smile:

Yup, there are husbands out there who do not like their wives training. I’ve been told that MANY times - by both the wives and the husbands. Useto have to meet two clients in a “women only” gym - just so they could start training with weights. Their husbands would allow that - but not a “co-ed” facility. They also had friends that just worked out at home, they didn’t have to deal with irate hubbies.

Definitely not, but I see your point that you are making. If someone gave me an ultimatum, they obviously don’t care about me, particularly if it has to do with something that is good for my health. Ultimatums with Playboy aren’t great either, but a discussion about how individuals feel is in order and then the decision can be made on one’s own. I honestly think that if guys realized how upsetting viewing porn was to their women (if indeed it is), they might reconsider. Men look upon it as amusing and irrelevant, women regard Playboy as a threat (for whatever reason). And yes, I have read the other thread and realize that these don’t necessarily apply to everyone–just making a generalization.
But asking someone to choose between a gym and her–that’s crazy! I don’t think the Playbody girl asked her guy to choose–her or the mags–just let him know she didn’t like it. Yeah, I know, sometimes that’s the same thing.
If your partner does something that upsets you you should be able to discuss it and come to some mutually acceptable compromise. That’s what I think.

I think the point is that if you’re not willing to listen to your sig and put the relationship first, then it’s pretty much doomed. Why not just call it quits and find someone you have more in common with?

I think if she doesn’t give him a reason, there’s no problem. If she said she was scared of him ‘roid raging’ (or something) on her it would be different, but ‘because I said so’ isn’t a good enough reason for me. If the guy tried to figure out what the real reason was a bunch of times (what I’d do) & she wouldn’t tell him, I think he made the right move.

My point remains…you choose which is more imporant. Although, I wonder if she objected mostly to his anabolic use, and the workout part was thrown in to make him look better. Don’t know him or her so I can’t say either way. But, I usually find more to the story than what either side gives. If I talk to the guy first the girl will usually later tell me something he didn’t wish to divulge. And, vice versa. Is porn more important? Are roids and workouts more important? Up to you. For me, neither porn or roids are important enough to ruin an otherwise great relationship. Each individual will decide which battles are important enough. But, if you want to remain in a relationship you will compromise some things if not the above mentioned. Which leads back to each individual choosing which battles they will choose to engage in, and what areas they can compromise. And since we are speaking of individuals we aren’t going to come to an unanimous agreement on which things are worthy of compromise. Or, which things are not up for negotiation. In short these two debates are frivilous. However, I would like to say if someone gives up, let’s say porn, and they are perfectly happy with that decision and floating on cloud nine in their relationship, why begrudge them? They chose what made them happy in the long run. Just as you will choose axy. And if porn is cool in your relationship than who cares what I say.

Bingo, demo said it better and briefer than me. Just saw his post. Choose whether it’s a compromise you can make or if it’s time to find someone you have more in common with. Each person will have different “must haves” though.

i think a man that is willing to completely give up working out just because his wife/girlfriend wants him too, is the complete opposite of a t-man. if there is a GOOD reason that the wife/girlfriend wants you to stop (other responsibilities such as taking care of kids, etc.) than that is another issue. if your sig other really cared about you enough he/she would realize how important working out is to you and how it is something that you really enjoy doing. any person that wants to take something that is very important to another person, out of their life for selfish reasons should be dumped. compromising is the key. if working out is an issue in a relationship, then one should be able to compromise the amount of time one works out, if they really care about the other person.

…and yes, common interests between two people are important. Hey, I’ve been physically active all my life, you better believe that my man better be as physically active as I am.

First, I thank you all for your civilized comments. I was under impression in other threads that some of you just wait to flame me. I hope I was wrong. Anyway, you really made my graveyard shift a bit shorter with your responses. :slight_smile:

tenyearsgone: Everything else but wanting the best for your spouse would be disappointment for me, so what you say certainly does make sense. Patricia: I would not call those men husbands, but assholes or morons. You see… I am not bashing just some women, but some men too. OK, this is not going to you, maybe to Demo’s girl who obviously thinks I go around and chop womens’ heads off with
an axe. I simply cannot see the pattern how somebody can associate somebody else’s will for self-improvement with their personal
insecurities and turn that into an issue. GM: Very reasonable opinion, thanks. Demo: Your reply might raise another important issue and
that is why some people stay in a relationship with inadequate “sigs”,as you call them. There are worse examples than just disagreement over
porn, for example, beating. I could never understand that, mostly because of the fact that I consider my personal pride and integrity to be of utmost importance. Drax: I see where you are coming from, but
trust me, this is the most mellow person you can come across. He almost does not talk unless spoken too and when he does, he speaks in a very low voice. Definitely not your regular next-door roid-rager-street-brawler type of guy. MooCow: Maybe I should have
said this before, but it is never too late: I am the last person to have problem with purposeful compromises that mean something. I simply would not want to make compromises over porn (because it is
harmless, benign and meaningless and arguing over things like that shows somebody’s insecurities that have nothing to do with me, or somebody’s will to control my behaviour which I will not allow, not even to a significant other) or anabolics/weight training, because it is an important part of what I am. I would also never ask somebody else to stop doing something that basically builds that woman as a person, spiritually or physically. Please note that I neither endorse nor condone porn and I am the first one to tell every 18 year old guy to reconsider anabolic usage.

Finally, I would like to notice that almost everybody who participated in this thread until now agreed with what my gym buddy did - because we all care about lifting and we don’t all neccessarily care about porn. If my story about lifting came before the porn story, I bet the porn thread would look much differently. Please, think about this.

If going to the gym is important to you then you should not give it up, same goes for the playboys, I think that got lost in the last thread. If you do not want to give something up the don’t, move on. But if the relationship means something, then compromise is in order. If going to the gym is just as important as a looking at porn then ther is a problem. Going to the gym improves your health general well being, while playboy is just eye candy.

Anybody who would tell you to chose her over something that would make you stronger, healthier and better looking doesnt really love you.

Anybody else here notice the trend that it is women who condemn some things men like to do. Women seem most likely to give ultimatums and cut their “sig” off from doing the things he enjoys. It seems women have their insecurities and try to rationalize their insecurities by pointing out things that “could happen”- ie. roid rage, or cheating because of playboy. If there is no evidence that this is actually happening, why bother with it. There are certainly women out there who do have their heads on staright, and as well, there are men who are insecure, but I’m just pointing out the fact that the insecurities coupled with ultimatums on the strong majority come from women.

I think there is a huge difference between giving up something that contributes to a healthy lifestyle (working out) and enjoying porn. So having someone ask you to give up training is a bit too much. I’ve had girlfriends who complained about me going to the gym because it took away time that we could spend together. My solution: If you want to spend more time with me, then come to the gym. I would never give up my training because I know it has a positive influence on all aspects of my life. If I did stop, I would be miserable and it would affect all areas, including my relationship. Do I know how to compromise the situation? Yes. My girlfriend and I don’t get to spend much time together because of our work schedules. But I have rearranged when I go to the gym so I can spend time with her on those two days that she has off. So I still hit the gym, and I also spend quality time with her.

As for the porn, I don’t need it since I have her, so I have no reason not to give it up if it bothers her. Maybe for someone else, it’s a big deal. And for people who find that they need porn, then they should make that known right away. And as long as it doesn’t interfere with the relationship, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Women are motivated, driven, and ruled by their insecurities and fears. Afraid we’ll have roid rage, afraid we’ll cheat, insecure in themselves.

My woman isn’t happy with the changes I’ve been seeing in the gym. She’s concerned that since I’m getting better looking, I’ll be more likely to cheat on her. She doesn’t understand that SHE is the determining factor of my infidelity: If she’s a manipulative controlling bitch that wants to rule my life with an iron fist, of course I’m going to go elsewhere, and how good I do or don’t look doesn’t matter.

I forget who said it, but he was right about women always making ultimatums. ALL I ask from my women is two things: Don’t yell at me, and don’t cheat on me. If she wants to go out until three am with her friends three times a week, that’s fine. Develop a hobby I find repulsive? Just do it by yourself. I am completely and totally laid back, and have yet to find a woman who behaves like me.

I can’t imagine being so insecure as to give a gym or porn ultimatum. Of course, if she was seeing her male personal trainer outside of the gym, or her porn habit consisted of taking an 18" dildo to the balls, there’d be a problem.

It seems to boil down to ‘why.’ If she is being a controlling pain in the ass, then he’s better off without her. If there is a valid reason (and in this senario there doesn’t seem to be) then there is a compromise in order. If training is more important than she is, then dump her.

Just like the porn issue, if it's more important than she is then dump her.

As for which sex gives more ultimatiums, I'm sure that's about equal. I've known just as many controlling men as women. It's bull to say women do it more or men do it more.

And, Axy, if the porn is so 'meaningless' why is it such a big deal to stop looking at it?

It’s not choosing the gym or porn over the relationship. The choice is not: gym or relationship? Porn or relationship? The choice is being attached to an insecure, controlling person or not. If I dumped a girl because she didn’t want me to do (insert whatever here) because it makes her feel insecure, I chose to leave because of her insecurity.

Have you ever asked your " gf / wife" why they FEEL this way?? Simple question that leads to some COMUNICATION. After some communication you might work things out. I asked my wife “why”, her answer was “you DESIRE your workout, being with your friends, etc … more than me. Or how can I COMPETE with the girls in the mag.” I thought huh … I workout because it makes me FEEL better and I like to LOOK at naked women. We had this conversation 2 years. She is now a T-vixen, worksout 5 times a week at 5’-0" 110 lbs and I wish I had her abs!! Now buys mags like Oxygen and just bought me the Playboy with Kiana Tom. Try talking to her, you never know what it might lead to!!

Michelle, I think that what Axy means is that its a matter of principle: today, you let her contol what you read (watch, in this case). Its not very important, so you say OK. But she will see that her ultimatum had worked, and tommorow it will be going out, working out, a friend she doesnt like or she will just ask for your balls, to keep in a jar on the top shelf of the cupboard. It happens a lot. Bada-boom, youre pussy-whipped. As for your friends issue, Axy, I would have handled it differently: leave the gym for, say, 2 weeks (Ian King recommends that every 2-3 months of intensive training, anyway), and during those 2 weeks, fuck her brains out all day, every day. THEN dump her and go back to training. Compromise is a beautiful thing.