T Nation

Most Softcore Gym?


#1

Poking around this site, some things become readily apparent: some of us train at home and I envy that; some of us train in hardcore dungeons and I respect that; some of us, however, train in places that make Curves look like Metroflex. Those people I comiserate with.

I want to know who amongst us trains in the most softcore gym. I, of course, vote for my FamilyFunPlex. Won't tell you its name, but the initials are NYSC. Here, in no particular order, are my "gym"'s sins.

LOCATION AND CLIENTELE

Livingston is not your most diverse town. In fact, it makes Tel Aviv look like Iowa. There are two churches in my hometown; there are five bagel shops. Catch my drift? (And I'm Jewish, so yadda yadda...) Livingston is so Jewish that during our high school basketball games, other towns, by way of mocking us, would actually throw bagels at the team. Funny, but wrong.

So, the gym is full of yentas. 40 year old, whiny women in those shiny sweat suit things whose most demanding exercise of the day is hoisting the diamond ring their dentist husbands gave them. They enjoy cardio, small plastic weights, not reracking anything ever, and (my favorite) holding coffee clatches for 20 or 30 minutes directly in your line of sight while you're trying to squat.

EQUIPMENT

Calf machine? Nope. Power Rack? Nope. Lying Leg Curl? Nope.

BUT!! They do have two--TWO--always in use cable stations, and something called a "Grab-N-Go". If you have not seen this monstrosity, then you weregood in a past life. It's a big stell cage with a barbell suspended by two cables. When you "grab" the bar, you complete a circuit or something, and the bar "goes" freely up and down. When you let go, it stops moving.

In theory. In reality, the bar will move whenever the hell it feels like. The bar wants to be on your neck. If you step within two feet o this thing, it will hurt you. Soon, the Grab-N-Go will gain self-awareness and try to kill Sarah Conner.

PERSONNEL

There are, I guess, seven or eight personal trainers. One was seen struggling to complete one-ONE-chin up. Another looks like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, and regardless of who he's training, is making them do lunges. Fat guy? Lunges. Skinny girl? Lunges. Double amputee? Lunges.

There are three in-shape personal trainers: one guy, two girls. The guy was once seen (by me, no heresay here) telling the SKINNIEST HUMAN BEING I HAVE EVER SEEN to do concentration curls. Then, he taught Slim the proper form for tricep kickbacks. Nice work.

Thankfully, the two girls know what they're doing. One does fitness competitions, the other told me about this website. Both have, on separate occasions, openly mocked me for using too light a weight or not paying attention when changing the pin on a cable machine and getting whonked in the head by the bar. So, respect.

GENERAL ATMOSPHERE

-There is always a cleaning woman dusting everything. Because, you know...you wouldn't want to get dirty or need a shower after working out.

-Backstreet Boys. Solo Timberlake. On the TV, so you can watch the videos. And, as we all know, nothing is more conducive to laser-like focus than Shakira's ass.

-The poorly-staffed day care center with out locks on the doors, so Timmy can help you deadlift.

-Do you need to make a call? Come to my gym. Everyone has their cell phone. Of course, they're probably on it, speaking AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS right the fuck next to me.

-Ever want to see a guy using straps to bench press? C'mon by!

There's more, but I'm gonna eat and go to my class and cry myself to sleep.

Top me: I dare you.


#2

Same kind of location and clientale at my LA fitness. In Lower Merion, PA. Similar trainers. BUT, there's a power rack, a squat rack, plenty of benches, and plenty of free weights. So, I can't complain...much


#3

I know you're reffering to Livingston NJ and that town sucks donkey dong in all its glory.

Wow, I cant even make an educated comment this thread is so fubar'd...

I know about the bagel throwing and I have yet to retaliate against that oppression for their idolence. I went to NYSC Ramsey so I guess I can vouch its quite the estrogen gym series...

But, god dammit Livingston just sucks. I have yet to meet someone I can get along with from there. Might as well live in Monsey NY, or Spring Valley for that.


#4

Oh my god, that was the funniest thing I've read in a while....


#5

Their July 4th fireworks are good. You have to give them that.


#6

I'm gonna see any gym where you see the above happening.

Notice how he's on a stability ball so you can be sure he's building "functional" strength.


#7

Fran Drescher doesnt happen to "workout" there does she?

:wink:


#8

Far, far worse. Not one week ago, I was on the squat rack. I see "the" because it's the only one. Four yentas are directly in front of me chatting about little Dylan's pottery class or soccer game or whatever they've scheduled for the little incubus that week.

For 20 minutes. I timed it.

Before going to the leg press machine, I say something to the staff. They try to get the ladies to move.

You would've thought I started screaming "Osama's not a bad guy once you get to know him."

The yentas now accost me for, among other things, "working out like an animal." That's a direct fucking quote.
I told them that I was sorry for interrupting their converstion and maybe they should take it to Starbucks. The smart one in the group said, "Why don't YOU go to Starbucks?"

To which I relplied, "Because I'm working out, shithead. Which you can only do in a gym. Whereas, what you're doing is viable any place."

Then the smart one tells me that she is a certified personal trainer. I tell her that she, of all people should know better.

After that, insults to each other's mothers and, in fact, entire bloodlines were thrown back and forth. The phrase "suck my ass, you spoiled bitch" might have come out of someone's mouth, but I can't remember exactly whom.

But really, it was my fault: I was squatting.


#9

OMG, you vulgar animal you... trying to work up a sweat, in a gym, can you imagine the horror?

These ladies will be traumatized for weeks, weeks I tell you.


#10

Lucky for you theres a PSC a few towns over.

The whole Town Sports International concept is a crock of penguin shit because Dan Smith, the owner of PSC, NYSC, BSC, WSC lives in the New England/East coast, works there, and has his gyms there. Thats funny cause though he hasnt admitted to copying the LA Express style, he generally wants a 'style of gyms East coast people will find trendy'.

Hmm.. Trendy....

EDIT: I just want to say Im not speaking personally, ive never been in an LA Express ever.


#11

Actually, Im always in Asbury Park for the 4th and they are second only to NYC. Ive heard Livingston is ok, so I'll take your word for it.


#12

Sometimes I hit the gym at school, not that often, only if I want to squeeze in a workout without having to drive into the city. Check these rules:

No headphones.
No hats or bandanas.
No sleeveless shirts or cutoffs.
No Deadlifts, Cleans, or Snatches.


#13

OMG this thread was funny but I remember what it was like training at a commercial gym. Now, we have a home, garage gym. You're welcome to come over anytime, the squat rack on the left is open :slightly_smiling:


#14

dude, that is some comic routine. seriously.

'If you step within two feet o this thing, it will hurt you. Soon, the Grab-N-Go will gain self-awareness and try to kill Sarah Conner.'

LMAO


#15

No one else goes to a Pussy Palace such as mine? You all train at MetroFlex and Temple Gym?

C'mon now, people. Fess up.


#16

LOL!

harris...this is FUNNY stuff, Brother!!!

(You need to send this stuff to Billy Crystal...as I was reading it, for SOME reason I kept thinking about him!!!)

LOL!

Mufasa


#17

this is hilarious

tanks


#18

Like I said in another thread, too many of the best on this site are in Arizona or therabouts.


#19

This thread is hilarious! Especially you and those ladies. But Livingston girls can be pretty fun. I've had some fun with them in my single days. Especially when they don't open their mouths except for legitimate reasons. eating or drinking or... but no talking allowed.


#20

"Fat guy? Lunges. Skinny girl? Lunges. Double amputee? Lunges."

You are a hoot. I'm so lame for using hoot. But, that is what you are.