T Nation

Missing My Brother

I consider even those of you that I disagree with to be pretty close, and I have been drinking whiskey. So I will say this now.

6 months ago my best friend died. I was buddies with him in high school, and became even closer to him after we started working together, which we did for two years. This fucker was like my brother.

Now, it is 6 months later and things are…different. His girlfriend, who had been very close to us (my group of friends, which is numerous, in the 20-25 range, and close still also) never comes around. We all miss this guy, and we take it in different ways. We all drink alot. I mean alot. I have cut back to about 4 nights a week, sometimes 3, but it is hard. I tried to stop smoking, but that goes to the shitter too.

I found T-Nation in February of this year. I think many times that he would have loved this site, as he was a big fucker, looked liked a bodybuilder but was as strong as a powerlifter. I wonder alot of times if this site would have helped him out in his last few months, as it helps me out now. I wonder what it would have been like, to have a buddy at work who knew this site as well as I did. To comment on the folks that are funny, on the articles. Like I said, he would have loved this site.

I wonder many times now, where does your life go after you lose a guy who was so close to you? He was far bigger and stronger than me, and older not to mention. Like an older brother, in a way. When you are a male and 21, you have the feeling that there is nothing that can hurt you. Nothing can touch you…you can go into a war and come out perfect, you can fight whoever and come out unscathed. Why? Because we are men! We are invincible. We have testosterone. We speed. We swerve. We drive when we are so drunk that there are four lanes on a two lane highway. But we can’t be hurt…we are men.

I don’t know how many of you watch “Rescue Me”, the show on FX. But it is, in effect, a document on how men handle severe stress and loss. I remember sitting there, two months before my 22 year old buddy died, watching the show and saying, “Yes, this is how men deal with it. we drink. We hide. We don’t get help. Why? Because we are MEN!”

And somehow I was proud of this. I remember seeing his girlfriend that night…thanking God we had so much testosterone. If something happened, we would deal with it. LIKE MEN!

Now when I look at his girlfriend, I see a girl with constant tears in her eyes. A girl that has to live with the fact that her love is dead.

We drink so much now, and I think few of us know why. We hide the tears, the frustration, the rage, behind the bottom of a pint glass. We wonder why those of us that die early do so…

We wonder many times if we will see him again.

I don’t really know why I wrote this. The odds are on that my subconcious has many things to let out, and you folks are the only people I trust with it. But what do you do when an athlete dies young? When you carry the casket of the man who saved you in thousand fights, who dragged you from a thousand troubles? Half of me thinks I just need to get this shit off my chest, and into a public forum. Another part thinks I am a pussy for dealing with this as badly as I have. The last part wishes it was never here at all, and my brother could be here, reading all the shit I say, and arguing with me in the politics section, because that bastard was a Republican! Any responses welcome…

There is a listening ear here! Stay strong, and remember that the pain does get better…just takes longer sometimes.

I feel for you, my best friend died over 20 years ago, almost the same age. And i know all about the drinking part, consumed a lot when he passed. The pain and loneliness eventually does go away, slowly. Still have his picture of him and I. You are in my prayers

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There is a good lesson in all of this… life is short. I’m sorry you’re going thru so much pain right now but I hope that you take away from this the lesson. Don’t put things off, eat dessert first, vacation often, tell your friends and family you love them, etc. It sounds so easy. I know it will get easier for you as time passes. I am a bit older than you but had a life threatening illness earlier this year so I learned this lesson the hard way too.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I know exactly how you feel. I lost a close friend 3 years ago. We watched a many a football game together, played tennis, and worked out. He and I were like brothers. He died suddenly after going for a jog. To look at him he was in perfect condition. It took a whole year after his death to work through the pain, but it does get better. Try not to waste your body on boos and cigarettes and honor him by getting in the best shape you can. You’ll feel better about yourself, and he’d be proud of you.

My best friend died a month ago. Being a pall bearer and seeing his wife and two little children at the funeral was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. I drink, but don’t let that consume you. You will be worse off than you are right now. Remember who he is and not who he was. Don’t try to understand why because that would be impossible to do. Just trust that there was a reason and believe that there was a graeter purpose for what happened.

As for his girl. She might need you to talk to her. Don’t rely on her to come to you. My buddy’s wife haden’t called me to talk so on Sunday I called her. We ended up talking for a long time about him and just life in general. it was great therapy for the both of us. Jimmy Valvano said before he died of cancer that everyone needs to do three things everyday, “Laugh, Cry, and Think.” Do this and you will become a stronger man. God Bless and you will be in my prayers.

If you feel like missing him thats fine you are no less a man because you feel bad,your can feel sad, angry because you have lost someone you cared for, its easy to say just suck it in but it is not so easy to do. I have lost many friends,family and even the only person I let in my heart and held them in my arms as they passed away.

And I wish I could say that the pain goe’s away and in a sense it will you will find youself smiling about something and then feel as if you have betrayed them for your happiness but you wont have your friend would want you to be happy and alive not dieing after him. what would your friend advise you to do if he was in the room with you now?

We can’t feel your pain, but we all understand it, I’d tell you to be strong and have courage, but I dont have to as you have shown courage to open yourself up to everyone here.

The drinking makes it 10 times longer and more painfull. I feel for you bro, but ya got to stop that…

At least the part about drinking to make you feel better about a bad situation… That should be your first clue.

Good luck man, and Gods speed.

I feel for you man. I’ve also gone through loses…I agree that you need to stop the drinking. It will only make it worse.

I also love Rescue Me…but for me, it shows me how NOT to live…Tommy, (leary’s character) shows how to deal with everything in the most destructive way, so please just learn from that.

Just remember that this too, shall pass. Lean on us all you want bro, that’s what we’re here for…

I know what it feels like going through a loss, whether its being a friend dying or a bad breakup. I’ll tell you one thing is for sure, drinking will not help. I know in my situation I learned that very quickly. Sure after a few drinks you start to feel better about things, but usually at the end of the night you will start to think and dwell on things, especially if you are alone. Then the next day you will feel even worse.

If I were you I would try to get as much mental clarity as possible. Try to remember the good times you had, but remember to tell yourself that those times are over. I know that is easier said than done, and I even struggle to tell myself that everyday.

I don’t know if you are religious or not, but that sure helps to. When you look at it in the biblical sense and what Jesus says, our life on earth here is just a temporary life. In the whole scheme of things life here on earth is short compared to an eternity after death.

You said it best when you said that everyone deals with loss in their own way. These are just some suggestions, but do it the best way you can. I hope this makes sense.

My best friend was killed a week before my HS Graduation. This is still the hardest thing I have gone through because not only have you just lost your best friend, but when it happens in your early adult life, it is the first time you really beleive that someone like you - a young, strong, take on the world guy just like yourself - can actually die. That is a hard realization to come to.

Ten years later I can tell you that life gets better. Fuzzy is right - you sometimes find yourself in a happy moment and then out of the blue a wave of sadness comes over you as you remember that he isn’t there to share it with you, but it is still a happy moment. I was sad that he wasn’t standing beside me at my wedding, but it was still the happiest day of my life.

Bad memories and sadness never go away. The only way to deal with them is to keep diluting them with good memories and happiness, and NEVER feel guilty for living a happy life.

My best friend died over 7 years ago.

All my favourite stories begin with, “Me and Al…”. Eventually, the pain lessens, and you try to just remember all the good times you had together. Frankly, I am still to this day ANGRY about his death. I know that’s not healthy, but that’s the way I am. I don’t mean, I dwell on it, but I will NEVER understand why.

What you have to do is give it time. Time is the only thing that will ease the pain. As time passes, you’ll be able to remember some of the shit you guys got up to, and smile with the memory.

Try to listen to these guys when they tell you that drinking won’t help. A few drinks with buddies reminiscing about your exploits would probably be theraputic, but getting loaded every day won’t do you any good.

I have been meaning to start a thread one day about one of my favourite AL stories. One day, I’ll tell the story of the Travolta Spot.

Hang in there, and try to be there for his family.

|/ 3Toes

Damn man. that is rough. I hope you can beat the drink and maybe take your hidden rage out on the weights. I believe that everyone here has a job to do and once it is done, its there time to go. I hope that you still know that there is so much to live for and that he wants you to keep living your life the best you can.

Appreciate all the responses. Its hard to talk about the shit and not feel like I am throwing a pity party here. I am just surprised by how much it affects me, and I write it out. It helps when folks read it.

Something about seeing his girlfriend last night just put me over the edge. Seems like the nights I am with her always end up teary like that.

Strangest life I’ve ever known…

[quote]FightinIrish26 wrote:
Appreciate all the responses. Its hard to talk about the shit and not feel like I am throwing a pity party here. I am just surprised by how much it affects me, and I write it out. It helps when folks read it.

Something about seeing his girlfriend last night just put me over the edge. Seems like the nights I am with her always end up teary like that.

Strangest life I’ve ever known…[/quote]

Its completely understandable since you guys were close. Stay STRONG!

Lost my best friend in Iraq, we went to gradeschool, some college, boot and MOS training together. He was driving a convoy of Female Marines to base and an IED expoloded and killed him and his passengers. I know the pain of never getting to say goodbye. He loves you the same and im sure he would talk of you the same if he were here. Stay strong and keep us posted and never hesitate to reach out.

Semper Fi


Hey man you sound like a good man. I like debating with you and your a fun opponent to argue with.

Nothing people say really matters except to say I am sorry for your loss. It’s hard to hear anything else past that.

I know your a younger guy but you sound like a your squared away. I am older with a few more miles on me so take this advice from an old salt. Stop the booze. It will lead to big problems. Control it, it can’t control you. You got to make that choice on your own time and terms but do it soon.

Hang in there. The lives of friends and family and comrades never die if you hold them in your heart and mind.

And to second what others said. It will get easier everyday.

Hedo is correct. If you made it through today you can make it tomorow

All you have now are memories of him. Blessed, excellent memories. And you’re throwing those away by getting fucking drunk. His memory will fade from your mind if you continue to cloud it. You want to honor a good man and a good friend ? Man-up and get your shit together. Better yourself in his name. Honor his memory by doing something good and honorable for yourself. Then, someday, visit his grave and tell him what you have become. He’ll be proud of you.