It depends on the guy, I think. After my early years of short term uncommitted banging around I looked forward to commitment with the right woman. A pretty distinct theme of similar characteristics which I liked in a woman had developed, and I finally found one I wanted to settle down and start a family with (she felt the same way too), so that is what we did. Earlier this month we celebrated our 6 year anniversary of marriage and yesterday was our sons first birthday.
On the other hand I have known a few guys who have always been very insecure and act like they have lost a limb if they don’t have a girlfriend. When they are single their one and only goal is to lock a woman down into a commitment (but not marriage), and until they do they are the whiniest most discontent entanglement of neurosis you can imagine. I speculate that they don’t feel like a man unless they have a woman on lock down, but at the same time since they know their own self (in a bad way)- don’t feel like they are good enough and have to keep proving their manhood (the ability to get women). One of the bad parts of these types of guys is that they will act like they are willing to jump through every imaginable hoop just for the right girl, but it’s all a lie.
Henry Rollins sums them up pretty well with this-
,and then it’s on to the next one.
Hmm. I don’t know. My limited experience is pretty much all long term relationships, and I believe that they’ve all exited reluctantly, or became reluctant after I said “enough,” and finally meant it, which takes a while for me.
I don’t think my question is about cheating - I shouldn’t have muddied things - more about how I can handle probing about what I’m doing with regard to dating others without being dishonest and without discouraging the questioner. Early dating things.
I just feel like my experience is the exact opposite of the stereotypical evasive guy, hopeful woman. Except it IS true, I am looking for a relationship (love) but just, I don’t know, not so quickly and before I’ve had time to catch my breath and kiss a couple of men, or maybe three, and see.
Yeah, I probably wasn’t so clear either. It takes a while to distill nebulous thoughts into succinct statement. The time frame I was speaking of is more than just a few months- More like a couple of years before it goes kaput.
I didn’t mean cheating either. More along the lines of a mans tendency to be dishonest about basic drives like sex, sense of security, vulnerability, Stuff like that. When a man says he is willing to forgo some of the basics he is not being honest with himself. Not honest with the other person either.
Given that I’m a probably more than a little aspy, I hit this stuff directly and appreciate the same in return. Sometimes that delicate dance around certain subjects like “what do you want out of this” just turns into a clumsy mess of ulterior motives and tickling each others ears.
So yeah, Honesty. Thats the best way to approach that getting to know each other phase. In any long term relationship I’ve been in I have said very quickly “Don’t tell me what you want me to think you are. Lets just do some stuff together and let me get to know you.”. Everybody loves world peace and thinks puppies are cute, but if a woman goes hiking with me after saying she loves hiking- but doesn’t have the shoes and hates it the whole time- She lied. Vice Versa- I’m not willing to act like I enjoy dinner theater nor would I make any attempt to do so just to develop a relationship.
Yeah, I agree. At this point I’m as likely to lead with my negatives, with which I’m pretty comfortable, as I’m also well aware of my strengths. A funny early conversation my ex-bf and I had was about what we’ve been called. I copped to “insufferable know-it-all,” while he admitted to having been recently called “a pompous prick.” Which was true on both sides.
But back to the point, because I think I do a good job of selecting men I like and who like me, with everyone cheerfully acknowledging flaws, what do I say when they start saying things like “just so you know, I’m not seeing anyone else” or asking about others? Should I decide these are the sorts of men I should seek or should avoid, or what?
AC, where are you? I’m ready for Phase II.[/quote]
If it’s within a month- I’d avoid but thats just me being theoretical. I’ve never dated a woman even short term that wasn’t relaying from last to next and consider that a foregone conclusion.
On the other hand, most guys I know, myself included are single for a period of time before starting another. Even then there is a good month or two of consistent companionship (feeling out period) before deciding on exclusivity.
Thats why I consider trying to lock it down too quick a red flag. It’s needy and possibly deceptive. Lots of single guys cheat on their wives and S.O.s