from borowitzreport.com
MCDONALD?S PLANS TO SUPERSIZE SEATS, TABLES
Hopes to Make Patrons Seem Less Obese
The McDonald’s restaurant chain today announced a dramatic plan to “supersize” its restaurants’ chairs and tables in the hopes of making its patrons look and feel less obese.
The fast-food chain, under harsh criticism in recent months for contributing to the nation’s epidemic of obesity, is busy installing new restaurant furniture that is “twice normal human scale,” according to Marjorie Gable, a company spokesman.
“Creating an optical illusion that Americans are not obese is the first step to conquering obesity altogether,” Ms. Gable said, showing reporters the new, nine-foot-wide doorway of a flagship restaurant in New Jersey.
In addition to the supersizing measures, including the introduction of chunky, eighteen-inch-long plastic forks and spoons, McDonald’s is installing funhouse mirrors throughout their restaurants to further distort their patrons’ physiques.
“They won’t look skinny, exactly, but they will appear somewhat elongated,” Ms. Gable said.
Ms. Gable added that while the restaurant chain plans no changes whatsoever in its menu, it did intend to print its existing menu items on what she called “really enormous signs.”
Finally, she added, Ronald McDonald, the traditional mascot of the McDonald’s chain, would be replaced as of June 1 by TV personality Anna Nicole Smith.
“We challenge anyone not to feel skinnier standing next to Anna Nicole,” Mr. Gable said.
In other obesity news, the U.S. airline industry today said that overweight families attempting to board domestic aircraft would be asked to leave either their luggage or their children behind, effective immediately.
Josh Cregan, who was boarding a plane from Detroit to Orlando, complained that the new rule was “unfair,” adding, “The kids were really looking forward to Disney World.”
For those who can’t figure it out, IT’S A JOKE.
