T Nation

McDonalds fights obesity

from borowitzreport.com

MCDONALD?S PLANS TO SUPERSIZE SEATS, TABLES

Hopes to Make Patrons Seem Less Obese

The McDonald’s restaurant chain today announced a dramatic plan to “supersize” its restaurants’ chairs and tables in the hopes of making its patrons look and feel less obese.

The fast-food chain, under harsh criticism in recent months for contributing to the nation’s epidemic of obesity, is busy installing new restaurant furniture that is “twice normal human scale,” according to Marjorie Gable, a company spokesman.

“Creating an optical illusion that Americans are not obese is the first step to conquering obesity altogether,” Ms. Gable said, showing reporters the new, nine-foot-wide doorway of a flagship restaurant in New Jersey.

In addition to the supersizing measures, including the introduction of chunky, eighteen-inch-long plastic forks and spoons, McDonald’s is installing funhouse mirrors throughout their restaurants to further distort their patrons’ physiques.

“They won’t look skinny, exactly, but they will appear somewhat elongated,” Ms. Gable said.

Ms. Gable added that while the restaurant chain plans no changes whatsoever in its menu, it did intend to print its existing menu items on what she called “really enormous signs.”

Finally, she added, Ronald McDonald, the traditional mascot of the McDonald’s chain, would be replaced as of June 1 by TV personality Anna Nicole Smith.

“We challenge anyone not to feel skinnier standing next to Anna Nicole,” Mr. Gable said.

In other obesity news, the U.S. airline industry today said that overweight families attempting to board domestic aircraft would be asked to leave either their luggage or their children behind, effective immediately.

Josh Cregan, who was boarding a plane from Detroit to Orlando, complained that the new rule was “unfair,” adding, “The kids were really looking forward to Disney World.”

For those who can’t figure it out, IT’S A JOKE.

I expect this sort of nonsense from Cupcake, but yorik :wink:

Man I wish this was true.

  A good one too!! That's hilarious!

Y’know…Anna Nicole Smith looks like she’d be pretty good at giving head.

I bet she swallows…

In case you didn’t know, Andy Borowitz writes these satires every day. Some are better than others. Check out www.borowitz.com

Derek: “Man I wish this was true.”

Well, I know this post is a joke but wasn’t there one point in time that obese people were complaining about seats in Mickey D’s were too small and they were looking to sue them for that reason?

I can actually see this post become an reality. It’s sad but this post might be true in the near future.

In Health,

Silas C.

I wish the part about the airline was TRUE!!! I hate fat passengers sitting next to me since I feel soooo sandwiched.