T Nation

May Have a Kid Out There


#1

Before I go into this, my initial and probably remaining, decision for the best interest of the kid, is to keep my mouth shut. Be curious if you agree.

Story:

I have little crappy houses all over the oilfield, in little dusty towns. Generally, I let my senior people use them so they don't have to stay in crappy hotels. The oilfield has contracted and is back to mainly drilling horizontals in the Permian Basin, and so I found myself back at one of my own crappy houses for a stretch, about 4 hours from my home.

I used to stay there a fair amount 10 years ago. Got to know a very attractive neighbor lady who was separated from her husband. Little waif of a girl, maybe 5'6". Anglo. As these things go, we had a great FWB situation going and had a lot of fun. Mutually bored and horny. Left on great terms, but then she eventually got back together with husband and moved away.

Saw her at WalMart with her daughter. Age 10ish. Probably 5'10", dark skin and blue eyes. (My biological father had blue eyes -- I have brown.) Looked remarkably like me. Looked like my mom, in fact, with blue eyes.

Very surprised, in that I was told that I was shooting blanks at the time (and actually had surgery to fix it).

After a bit, I asked "Is she . . . " to which she hissed at me "Yes, but don't screw things up," and rapidly made her good-byes.

I was raised by a step-father, who is my father for all intents and purposes. You change the diapers, you're the parent, IMHO. I am a soon-to-be adoptive father of my brother's kids (and have custody), because he and his wife were complete losers in many ways. So I really respect the adoptive father thing.

My inclination is to keep my mouth shut (my wife agrees, is mildly disgusted, but my past is known to her). I think that would be the best for the kid.

I had my lawyer do a little work and the husband is listed as the father on the birth certificate. His name is Anglo and he marked "W, Not Hispanic" of the form, so I presume he is white.

No problems with paying child support if it came to that, but I really would not want to interfere with the presumed dad.

Is this the correct move?


#2

YES


#3

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

Is this the correct move?[/quote]

I guess, but set up a saving account and stash some dough in it for the next decade or so. Then, if the time is ever right, give it to your daughter.

I’ll be honest, I feel really bad you missed out on the love of a daughter. It’s really one of life’s wonders. No words can describe it.


#4

Well, that’s quite a pickle isn’t it…

If I was in your shoes I would probably ask myself if revealing this kids true parentage would benefit the kid. It sounds like from the limited info you gave us (and probably know yourself) that her “dad” has no idea she isn’t his. You’d probably destroy that family with such a revelation.

Personally, I think this falls squarely on the mother. Hopefully she told her husband the truth and they just haven’t told the girl yet. I’d be fucking furious if I found out my 10 year old wasn’t really mine.


#5

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I’d be fucking furious if I found out my 10 year old wasn’t really mine. [/quote]

She’d still be yours. Just not your biological reproduction.


#6

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I’d be fucking furious if I found out my 10 year old wasn’t really mine. [/quote]

She’d still be yours. Just not your biological reproduction. [/quote]

I wouldn’t be furious with her.

*Agree she would still be mine in the sense you’re referring.


#7

I would say send the chick a check, feel bad for her step dad. Does he know?

If he doesn’t know its a tough spot to be in for him, the girl is likely getting raised well enough.

Sometimes its best just to let it be. When shes 18 send her ma some money and keep the girl oblivious, who knows.


#8

Let me start with Congratulations! Children are wonderful.

I’m going to make an assumption that the husband can do math and has different enough genetics to know that the child is not his biologically.
I’m also going to assume that he dealt with this at about the time of the pregnancy (or soon after) and again is ok with this.

So, I guess the next question is what’s best for the child? Wait until she’s 18 and try to contact her? Let her come to you on her own?

Also, how do you feel about the financial responsibility, since I think that this kid can probably claim to be a legal heir just like your future legitimate and adoptive children?


#9

[quote]dallas fan 15 wrote:
YES[/quote]

This.

Until a DNA test proves anything, you should not assume or agree to anything yet.

I also applaud your brutal honesty with your wife about this tough issue, it also shows her maturity to understand the situation for what it is and standing by you.


#10

I think, having gone through what you did once before posting on TN, you’re making a mistake posting this.


#11

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I’d be fucking furious if I found out my 10 year old wasn’t really mine. [/quote]
Unless the husband is tall as fuck and brown, I’m pretty sure he would know that the kid isn’t his. lol


#12

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I’d be fucking furious if I found out my 10 year old wasn’t really mine. [/quote]
Unless the husband is tall as fuck and brown, I’m pretty sure he would know that the kid isn’t his. lol[/quote]

I donno man, you’d think, but after reading posts on here for 5+ years I just can’t give people that kind of credit…


#13

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I think, having gone through what you did once before posting on TN, you’re making a mistake posting this. [/quote]

This time, the wife knows. Knew when I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot, in fact.


#14

Something doesn’t make sense here.

If both the woman and her husband has white skin and the girl has black skin, wouldn’t that be immediately suspicious to the father?

My guess would be that the husband may actually know about you and the woman, but they never told the girl.

In any case, I agree with you. It’s the person who raises the child that’s the actual father. Being a parent is more about the relationship moreso than whatever genetic make-up you pass along. Yet, you seem to be sure that you’re the girl’s genetic father, and that’s important too; probably more for the girl than for you.

I’d advise the same thing Countingbeans advised. Make a saving account and put money into it. When, if, the girl ever shows up on your front door, give it to her then.

Otherwise, stay away.


#15

I would start a fund for the daughter, start making little personal videos for her and maybe keep a journal for her and periodically have a PI covertly check in on the mother to determine her marriage status.

As long as the mom is married and the daughter doesn’t contact you, don’t do anything - except maybe one time tell the mother you are there if the girl ever needs anything. That’s it. No sense risking damage to her family by butting in where you’re not needed or wanted.


#16

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I think, having gone through what you did once before posting on TN, you’re making a mistake posting this. [/quote]

Haha good point.

Kudos to the wife, btw Ruff, she is one mentally & emotionally strong woman.


#17

[quote]on edge wrote:
and periodically have a PI covertly check in on the mother to determine her marriage status.

[/quote]

This is maximum creepy. But the rest of your post is solid.

Nothing an email won’t cover that makes a PI necessary.


#18

[quote]mud lark wrote:

Also, how do you feel about the financial responsibility, since I think that this kid can probably claim to be a legal heir just like your future legitimate and adoptive children?

[/quote]

Finances are not a problem.

I just care about: (1) step-dad and (2) girl, in no particular order.

The lady was, when we were together pretty manipulative and condescending about the father. At the time, I didn’t care, because it was very casual. I could see lying to him.


#19

A ten year old that is 5’10"?


#20

[quote]Silyak wrote:
A ten year old that is 5’10"?[/quote]

Lol, ya that’s taller than I am…