jesus christ!
Originally Posted by Matt Kroc
First, yes this is really me and yes I am transgender. Second, one does not “become” transgender you are or you aren’t. I have known this since I was five years old and it has been a very heavy burden to carry. I never asked for nor did I want this. For most of my life I would have given anything to not feel the way I do and at one point it drove me to consider suicide. Now I am perfectly comfortable with who I am and have been very open about this for many years. I told Wendler and Dave Tate at Elitefts when I first signed on and they were and still are very supportive of me as are nearly all of my close friends which comprise the majority of the top lifters in the sport. Ed Coan even recently reached out to me to offer his support.
At this point I do live my life in both genders but I am still undecided about whether or not to fully transition to living as a female full time. It would solve many of the most difficult issues I have struggled with but would also be a huge sacrifice as I would have to give up much of what I have worked so hard for. I also have three amazing sons that fully support whatever decision I make but I feel that I need to be there for them as I am at least until they’re adults even if it means a great deal of sacrifice for myself.
One thing that I am 100% certain of is that if I do eventually decide to transition I would never compete in powerlifting again. I feel that would be a no-win situation and I would never want to do anything that would reflect negatively on the transgender or powerlifting communities.
If you have respectful questions ask away. I am an open book.
Originally Posted by Matt Kroc
First, let me explain that there is a big difference between gender identity and sexuality. Sexuality is who you are attracted to and gender identity is what gender you know yourself to be and one is not necessarily connected to the other. I have always been strongly attracted to beautiful women and I am have no attraction toward men at all but that being said the things I find erotic aren’t typical of most “straight” men.
What most people don’t realize is that for many people our sexuality and even our identities exist on more of a spectrum of varying degrees rather than a simple either or. Also all of us posses both masculinity and femininity but it’s only when your natural tendencies vary outside accepted societal norms that it becomes an issue.
As far as who I would date if I do decide to transition goes I honestly don’t know. Like I said I have always been attracted to women and I have zero interest in dating men as a man but I can’t rule out the possibility of having different feelings as a woman. It is far too complicated to explain here but I can’t deny that it is a possibility and I will only know if I follow that path and I’ll find out when/if I get there. I have had to learn that if I was going to figure this stuff out then I had to be 100% honest with myself and let go of any preconceived ideas of what should or shouldn’t be and rather focus on what actually is and even then in a complex person like myself the answers still aren’t always clear.
In regard to transition if I decide to pursue it I will fully transition, have surgery and follow through with everything including hormones and other procedures to bring my body in line with my identity. I would also drop about 100lbs of muscle and want an athletic but much more feminine body.
Originally Posted by Matt Kroc
You guys are somewhat right but it is incredibly complicated and something I have been trying to figure out myself for the last ten years. A big part of it is that even at 5 years old I knew that if I told people (my parents mostly) how I felt it wouldn’t be received well. Plus I was taught from a young age what a “man” was supposed to be and tried very hard to live up that. Add in the fact that I grew up in a small rural town with very close minded views on what you’re supposed to be and I learned very early on to hate myself for feeling the way I did.
I struggled with tons of shame and guilt for my feelings and fought against them as hard as I could. The worst part was that I was terrified of what would happen if anyone ever found out how I felt, so I struggled through everything alone. This was of course before the internet so I didn’t even know what to call how I felt or that anyone else in the world felt the same way. I felt like a freak, broken, alone, and unlovable and these are still things I sometimes struggle with even now.
Why get into lifting? Even though I had these constant desires to be female I was also always fascinated with strength. I was naturally very small and skinny and got bullied some when I was jr high. I felt vulnerable and afraid and hated it. Lifting was a way to take control and feel safe. Plus I harbored feelings of being less than everyone else because I was different so I was constantly trying to win at everything I did so I wouldn’t feel like less. I reasoned that if I could beat people at their own game they would be unable to look down on me. I was also naturally athletic and competitive so sports and lifting became my passion and my source of strength.
I did feel at odds with how my body changed and how I looked but it made my life so much easier and I always enjoyed winning. Plus it became a security blanket that I feared to let go of. Add in a natural tendency to want to please everyone else more than myself and you can see how I pursued powerlifting as a passion. I do love lifting, competing, and always will but it has put me at odds with who I am on the inside. It has become the self I have created to survive competing with the self that I really am. And to be honest at this point in my life both aspects of my personality have value to me.
Originally Posted by Matt Kroc
First, I do not by any means consider myself a hero. To me that word is reserved for people that risk their lives to save others. But this is not something I have ever wanted people to know and I have never pushed this in anyone’s face. I only told my close family and friends but word got out and if people asked me I was honest about it.
The entire reason this got out in the powerlifting community is because a long time ago someone tried to out me after unsuccessfully trying to get me to do something that I wasn’t comfortable with. They posted all over forums, called my hometown newspaper, gossip websites, you name it. I didn’t comment on any of it and just let it blow over.
And I didn’t start this thread or know about it until a friend of mine informed me of it. The only reason I commented was to dispel inaccurate rumors and because I feel a responsibility to be honest to help educate misinformed people so that it’s better for everyone. Trust me I would have very much preferred to live my life in anonymity but that is no longer an option.