T Nation

Marriage

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night…whether you’re here or not.”


Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever!”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last!”


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”


THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”


HAHAAHA!! Here’s a Boudreaux joke about marriage:

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux stopped to get gas at Fontenot’s Gas Station. Outside of Fontenot’s station there was a sign that said “Free Sex With Fill Up Of Gas”. Well, after Boudreaux filled up his tank, Fontenot came out and said,“That will be $15”, Boudreaux said, “Wait Fontenot, what about the free sex?”, Fontenot said “Well Boudreaux, it’s like a lottery, you pick a number between 1 and 10 and if you get the right number, you win the sex!” Ol Boudreaux said, " Allright, I pick the number 5". Fontenot then said " Oh sorry, the number today was 6, you were close though!" Boudreaux then got back in his truck and Thibodeaux was shaking his head. Boudreaux said " What’s wrong, Thibodeaux?" Thibodeaux then said, “Boudreaux what’s wrong with you? You know that’s just a scam to get people to come in here to get gas! You ain’t gonna win no sex!” Boudreaux says “No you got it wrong Thibodeaux, my wife won twice last week!”

Two newly weds just got back from their honeymoon and the husband decides to lay down the rules. He said to his wife, "When I come home and my hat is turned to the side that means I am in a good mood and I will give you affection.

“But, if I come home and my hat is straight forward that means I am in a bad mood and I want to be left alone. Just bring me my dinner and do not talk to me.”

The wife looks at him cooly and says, “That’s fine, but I have a few of my own rules. If you come home and my arms are like this,” she lowers her arms to the side, "that means I am in a good mood and I will allow you to show me affection and I will bring you your dinner to your chair and everything else you might want.

“But if you come home and my arms are like this,” she crosses her arms angrily, “this means I don’t care what direction your hat is.”

haha!!! I liked the free sex one!

and the arm and hat one.

how do men and women ever live together? But I do love it

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

how do men and women ever live together? But I do love it

[/quote]

Alcohol and a lot of it!!

[quote]strangec wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:

how do men and women ever live together? But I do love it

Alcohol and a lot of it!!

[/quote]

ah yes, some of the favorite times I can’t remember

The guide to wife translations

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to

The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.

The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I’m sorry
The wife means: You’ll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I’m not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.

The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.
The wife means: I’m still building up steam

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary

  1. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

  2. Today is our what?

  3. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

  4. I thought we only celebrated important events?

  5. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

  6. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

  7. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

  8. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

  9. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

  10. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

‘A kilt… that’s guid. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’

‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

===========================================================

okay now… this woman is going to be pretty high maintenance

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue.

===========================================================

okay now… this woman is going to be pretty high maintenance[/quote]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’ . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.’

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes
from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked
me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman t hat I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair
on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

Yes, I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

My w i fe said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…


I took my wife to a resta urant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started…


My wife is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Well! Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream fo r $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night
than the cold cream.

And then the fight started…


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise
came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up
from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap,
That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through
a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom
and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Ye ah, then why were you running?’

And then the fight started…


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, walked the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my hea rt t o see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere
I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And then the fight started…


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…

SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

Men who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage:

  • In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as “that square thing?”

  • Does she use the phrase “you know” more than twice per sentence?

  • Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.

  • Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers?

  • Have you noticed three or more local bikers’ names tattooed on her?

  • Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend’s?

  • Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?

  • Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

  • Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

  • If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?

  • Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma’s House of Painful Delights?

WOMEN, SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

Women who can answer “yes” to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage:

  • On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?

  • To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?

  • Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of “Gilligan’s Island” at least four times?

  • Is it unclear to some people whether that’s a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

  • Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

  • Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

  • Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase “Industrial Strength?”

  • Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

‘A kilt… that’s guid. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’

‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’[/quote]

Its even funnier when read with a fake Scottish accent.

[quote]LIFTICVSMAXIMVS wrote:
OctoberGirl wrote:
Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

‘A kilt… that’s guid. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’

‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

Its even funnier when read with a fake Scottish accent.[/quote]

it would be great if someone with that accent would make a .wav file

it would be good with the accent

Good times.

These really hit home…

Good times.

people think this stuff is funny?