T Nation

marriage and love

well… it’s difficult my situation… i married 7 months ago being secure about what i was doing, but when i start living with my wife she start doing things that she haven’t done before, treating me bad, etc… all this has left me with a feeling of not loving her like before.
Having this problem a start to see again( at the gym) a girl that i have always admire but haven’t had anything with her because she had her man and a baby, but now she is not going well in her relationship (like me). So lately we have been talking a lot… and now i can’t stop thinking on her, i want to see her all days( i think she also thinks in me). BUT today i couldn’t resist anymore and talk her to told her that i have always like her, that she is so beatiful in all aspects…
Well i know that i can’t take any decisions right now(like her too)… but what makes me feel bad with me is that i haven’t fullfill my expectations of being married(like having total fidelity to my wife)but it is like there wasn’t any choice… i would like to read your comments, thanks.

Love is a choice, plain and simple. That you’ve moved into the “honeymoon’s over” phase in 7 months isn’t a good sign, but it’s not the tolling of the death bell either.

Also, you’ve put yourself in a bad situation with this other girl. You now have ANOTHER choice to make – pursue this other girl and give up your marriage (not a good choice to me), or break all ties to this girl and love your wife.

You dwelling on this other girl is only going to make matters worse.

have you talked to your wife about her changes in behavior? maybe she thinks you’ve changed as well. communication is always important in any type of relationship.

as for the other girl, you need to do what’s going to make you happy both short-term and long-term. if you think things aren’t going to work out with you wife, then your decision is easy. but you really need to talk to your wife about your concerns and work from there.

Just leave the girl alone and worry about her if you and your wife ever do divorce but for right now its probably not worth pursuing. Dude, be a man and refuse to keep this chick at arms length in case you and your wife sour the deal, only chicks and metrosexuals keep guysor girls under glass in case of emergency.

You’re married now, suck it up, grow up, and make the best out of it !!.. you’re a man and you’ll always have a thing or one woman or another, we’re genetically pre-programed to want to screw everything, but we’ve evoled. If you need to, join another gym to get away from the other woman. If the grass looks greener on the other side, fertilize yours. 7 months, come on !!

Do the right thing…you know what that is. Fix the problems in your marriage. Exhaust all options. Don’t chase another another girl unitl your single.

These feelings are fairly common in marriage, although seven months is a little early. My advice would be to get these feelings out in the open and deal with these issues well before children enter the equation. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Talk to your wife, and let her know what you percieve the problem to be.

She may be just as unhappy with you. Maybe you have changed in her eyes.

I would like to know how long you knew her before you were married. But, regardless of this, you are now married and you need to act like you are!

Run, don’t walk as far away from that other girl as you can! She will only grow to be a hindrance to you and your wife having a happy relationship. Come on you are not going to give up after only 7 months! That’s not what T-Men are made of!

I have been married 17 years, and I think one of the reasons that I have a good marriage is that I do not look at going out with another woman as being an option!

Once this “option” is removed from the table you are left with your wife and the decision is simple, work it out!

My wife has some health concerns and at times she can be a bit testy but through open communication I am able to realize that it is not actually me she is mad at. She is personally upset over her health concerns.

People sometimes do things for two different reasons: The first is directly against you. The second is merely for themseleves. It only feels like it’s against you! Find out why she is acting differently. Might be her job, health etc. (might be she can’t stand the sight of you…hey just kidding).

Talk to her right now! (tell her I said hi).

wasn’t that a tv show?

I agree with everyone else. Talk to your wife (focus on your problems with her, not “I wanna bang this other chick”). Stop talking to the other chick. . .go to the gym at a different time or something.

Dude, when you got married, did you vow to be with her till you die? I know that’s what I said to my wife. I’ve gone through some VERY tough times with my wife. We’ve been 1 remark away from divorce. But we sucked it up and pulled through! Don’t quit on her, ever. If you’re a real man you’ll stick to what you said you were going to do in the first place. Tell the girl at the gym that you shouldn’t have said what you did, and make sure that you and this girl know that you are NOT looking for another relationship. Deal with the problem at home and make it work.

Or you can be like many other shmucks out there and mess around, go back on your promise, turn your word into crap, lie, and destroy your marriage. And only after seven months!

BTW: YOU are responsible for YOUR marriage. The choices YOU make determine its outcome. You can’t blame anyone else.

In faith, Billy

Read the book ‘The Divorce Remedy’ by Michele Weiner Davis. In the meantime, do not talk to your wife about this - pretend everything is great. The author also has a website, do a search.

I’m not married, nor do I plan on subjecting myself to that kind of punishment until I’m 110% sure I can handle being with her forever. Ditto what was said about being a man who is true to his word. If you don’t put in the work your marriage deserves and you fuck it up with someone else, you’ll regret it. If it were me, I’d try talking to her about it. Just ask her if this is how it’s going to be, and tell her this isn’t what you signed up for. If she refuses to compromise and make an effort, then you can think about leaving her. If she doesn’t know you’re unhappy and what’s at stake, you’re not giving her a fair chance to get her head out of her ass. Just don’t let anyone else cloud your judgement in the meantime. I’ve seen too many people, including myself, have relationships fall apart because one person can’t communicate.

I’ve been married now almost 10 years. We had seperated for almost 5 months. Before the seperation, we hardly talked to each other. We were both too stubborn(read-boneheaded)to express how we felt. During this seperation period, we talked more that we ever did during the first 8-1/2 years of marriage. Now, we are very happy (and back together for the last 6 months). I guess what I’m getting at is what everyone else is saying. Talk!!! Communication is best remedy. Once you both know where the other is coming from, you can take steps to move forward, either to save the marriage or move on. Just do it between the 2 of you. You will not need any outside opinions or encouragement if the two of you are open and honest about how you feel.