T Nation

marital advice

Hi all ,
Need some advise on a marital nature I know that this has probably been covered before but I respect some of the folks opinions and suggestions on this board. Hopefully I do not come across as a punk and maybe some of you other married brethren will learn from my mistakes. I have been stationed in the Middle East for a year came home for 30 day leave before I start my second and final year over there again. Came home on a sunday wife and kids met me at the airport went to dinner came home figured I would make up for a year’s drought, wife complianed of being in pain and pmsing she’s 36 i’m 40 been on Tribex for 2 months you know the deal. We have not had any problems I love her she has been my life for the last 11 years. I was calm I told her that I was glad to be home and to finally hold her. So thats what we did just held each other this continued until Tuesday nite when I finally got fed up and asked her whats up she claims that the passion is no longer there. She has said that there was no body else and that she don’t know if she can be with me anymore.Last nite we really talked and I find out that she is atracted to some young guy where she used to worked, guy is mid twenty is not in great a shape as me but his there for her.She feels my job even before I left for the Middle East was more important than her needs and now she finally meets someone who can and will be there for her.she says that she has been to lunch with him a few times while the kids are in school and has not done anything with him except kissed him a few times and she loves to kiss I know that. she has been seeing him as a friend since the start of the year then she started having feelings for him.Claims he’s a decent guy with the same type of personality that I have. But will be there for her when she needs him.I want to fight like hell to win her back but on the other hand if this guy can make her happy and I can’t even if i’m willing to try harder he will be close and have the advantage. She claims she still loves me but not in the way that she used too. I admit that I am an asshole and have taking her for granted on numerous ocassions is it fair for me to stand in the way of her being happy ? Sorry for crying in my beer just need some suggestions from you married folks out there.I have never messed around on her, and have been faithful though there has been some offers.
Thanks for listening to my pitiful story. “Making the country safe for people to prey on lonely wives”

What you’re experincing is the effects of “transfer of affection,” and it’s all due to the time issue – the time you’re away and the time he’s there. Most knowledgeable counsellors won’t even get into a situation like yours – there’s no logical way to deal with some one who “has those feelings” for some one outside the marriage. Unfortunately for her, she’s not seeing long-term to the fact that the issues will be there still when that “in love” feeling fades. What can you do? What options do you have to redeploy near home to save your marriage? If there are none, I’d say your employer isn’t worth working for (regardless of whether it’s one of our armed forces or not). Fact is, with this looming over your head, you’re not going to be the most effective soldier.

Christ, that sucks. Sorry I don’t have any real advice right now.

Geee. I am sorry to hear about your dilema.

Here's the deal, first we need to put things in prospective. She is acting like the victim and you are treating her like the victim. Because this is not in not the facts of the matter, acting like they are will only lead to failure. She made a commitment to you and she has a responsibilty to fulfill it. I don't really give a damn what she feels. She needs to get over it. It is her that really needs to be kissing your ass and fighting to get you back. To condense this in to one sentence; the approach you must take is that you have been wronged and not the other way around. Fooling yourself will only make the situation worse.

Step two to this crisis, is the old ultimatim. She has to decide if she is going to go with the fly by night 20-something or fulfill her marital commitment to you. Now when you do this is a judgement call, but if you put it off longer that two weeks, she's gone and she ain't comin' back. It actually needs to be done asap (once you have the appraoch thing settled in your mind, you can't go in like a pussy). I realize in marriage it's good to put a day or two in between major unsettlements, but you can't put it off long. Also, with the ultimatim she must answer you with in 72 hours and it is typically best if she is with neither you nor the asshole on the side, but nice and alone during that time period. This will give her no excuses for her choice and maybe clear her head. I know I don't have to tell you this, but she can never see the other asshole again, that has to be part of it. Otherwise she'll have both of you.

The resoning behind the above advise is this: 1)If you approach the situation as if she was the victim, she will play both of you for a long time before she makes a decision. By that time she would have bad enough bad, horrible shit to your marriage that you probably would be ready to end it yourself. I.E. She will play both sides. And I know your wife isn't the type to do that, but she'll do it anyway. You also be appoaching from the stand point of something that isn't true, which means it's a lie and weakens you ability to do anything.

2) If you don't give her an ulitmatim and make it stick, then she will play both sides or keep you but quietly cheat on you.

Personally I think this is through because now you can't trust her and you have a job that takes you away from home giving her the ability to do what she wants and you'll never know. The ultimim is your only shot. Trying to "win" her back is foolish. You will lose because you are playing with a female mind running on pure emotion; you can't win against that. Make her choose, THEN, make her glad she made the right choice (even though she doesn't deserve that) if thats what you want to do.

keep in mind that you may lose her no matter what, this is not you fault. She knew what she was marrying so she needs to deal with it. I could go on and on bro, but I'll stop now. Good luck..let us know how things turn out...if you want to.

Dude – hate to tell you this, but it is over, esp with you about to leave again. She has been fucking this guy for months. I saw this shit over and over in the Navy. Best to move on – how can you trust her now?

First, thanks for serving our country. Sorry to hear you’re being treated like this. This woman is doing everything but accepting responsibility for her behavior. I know it’s complicated because you have kids, but can you continue in a marriage with a person who treats you like that?

To be honest, it sounds like she has already made her decision. If she said “the passion is no longer there”, then it’s unlikely it’s coming back. Sorry to make it sound so harsh. You got served up a big shit sandwich brother and I feel for you. My only advice is to maintain your dignity and composure and be civil for the sake of your children. I really hope things work out for the best for you.

You guys need to get some counseling. Every problem can be worked out and you can’t give up on this marriage. You guys made a committment to be together for lift. Obviously, you both have issues that need to be worked out. Go see a marriage and family counselor! Don’t give up on your marriage! Get some help and don’t try to do it all by yourself.

Many marriage cousellers will not even see a couple if there is a third party involved romantically. Once a third party is involved it’s very difficult to get to the truth behind issues.

It takes a special breed of cat to be a military wife, especially during a deployment. Make sure your shorties know that it isn’t their fault and you always think about them and love them. Mine drew pictures for me, I shrank them on a copier, laminated them, and when on floats made sure and had a picture of myself taken with them showing and mailed them to the respective artist. Mine loved it when they got a “MARS-GRAM” and found out just exactly how the whole thing worked.