You there- reading this: put down whatever you?re drinking and put out whatever you?re smoking. Pay attention. We have serious business here. To wit: there?s a good sixty percent chance that you?re a girly man. Do you color your hair? Do you wear one of those little necklaces made of tiny silver beads? How about shiny shirts when you go out clubbing? Hell, do you go ?clubbing? and refer to it as such? Is your hair frosted? Does it do that stupid thing where your bangs are flipped upward while the rest of your hair lies relatively flat? Do you lie to women in order to have sex with them? If you answered ?yes? to any of the above, chances are excellent that you?re a queef. A q-tip headed nancy-boy. Not any kind of a real man.
There?s a surfeit of twerps running around these days, clogging the boulevards, wearing huge pants, and laughing overloudly in bars. To even a casual observer, it seems that this nation has birthed a Generation of Weenies. Guys don?t do guy stuff anymore. The average middle-class male under forty years has no idea how his car works or what to do if it breaks. Household repairs are a mystery to them. At best, they?ve managed to figure out how to hook up their VCR to their TV. Whoop dee doo- so has my grandmother.
It?s almost as if, because of women?s increasing independence over the last thirty years of American life, men have become largely more pussified. It?s like, somebody has to be ?the girl?, and a lot of ?guys? are stepping in to fill the role. Make no mistake: there are certain things that are expected of males. And no, no one cares if you like it or not. No-one cares about your ?feelings? at all.
And no, gay guys don?t get a pass on this stuff for being gay. They have to play by the same rules as everyone else. That?s why it?s called ?equality?. What, do we live in Red China, with different rules for different groups? Hell, no, we don?t! That?s how the terrorists win!
Men should know how things work, and how to fix them. To a degree, at least. You?re not expected to be Carroll Shelby, but you are expected to know who Carroll Shelby was, and why he was a Great American.
The workings of the internal combustion engine, like so many things, raises issues of class. One of the funniest things in the world is how much contempt office guys have for guys who work with their hands, and how quickly an office guy will run to them, shrieking and flapping his hands like a giddy old woman, when something mechanical or electronic breaks.
Men shouldn?t be a lying weasels. Just because some drunk chick will believe that you?re a test pilot for Lockheed, it does not follow that you should tell her this, even if telling her this will cause her to fuck you. Honor still counts for something, and it?s one of the hallmarks of masculinity. A real man doesn?t say ?yes? and do ?no?, if you take my meaning. Quit dressing like a shithead. Pull up your pants, wear a shirt (a whole shirt, that means one with sleeves), turn your hat around, and unless you?re Jesus, throw away the sandals. The rest of the world is not Mill Avenue, and the rest of the world thinks you?re a schmuck. This is especially true if you?re dressing in the above manner after the age of thirty.
The world is not fair. No-one owes you anything. No-one gives a rat?s ass how you feel or what you think you should receive. Get used to it. This doesn?t mean you get to be one of the assholes who makes the world unfair, but it does mean that you realize the world?s inequities, and strive to overcome them. This means you will probably have to get a job. You will have to dispense with your sense of entitlement. Nobody loves you, except for Mommy, Daddy, and Oprah, and probably not even them.
Now, even if you are guilty of some or all of the above sins and thus are languishing in non-manliness, don?t despair. Proper training in time-honored ways of masculinity are only as far away as your television and local purveyor of movies. Absorb the following examples of manly media, avoid the weaselly, craven counter-examples, and you?ll be on your way to manhood in no time, my limp, whining, little friend.
The Dirty Dozen- Featuring a who?s who of movie tough guys: Lee Marvin (more about him later), Telly Savalas, John Cassavetes, Richard Jaeckel, Jim Brown, Clint Walker, Donald Sutherland (okay, he?s not a traditional movie tough guy, but he does better than you?d think), Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine, George Kennedy, Robert Ryan, and Ralph Meeker.
They don?t make movies like this anymore, but the sixties were the heyday for this kind of flick. Get a bunch of badasses together and send them out to kill bad guys in mass numbers. The closest we?ve come in the last fifteen years is Predator.
Also see The Magnificent Seven with Bronson, James Coburn, Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Robert Vaughn, and Eli Wallach. Not to mention the original Ocean?s 11 starring Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Cesar Romero, Peter Lawford, George Raft, Richard Conte, and Henry Silva. I still can?t believe this got remade with Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, and some other pansies. Oh, the humanity.
If you can watch any of these films and not come away understanding their elemental appeal to millions of guys, just forget everything I?ve said and prance right over to Fashion Bug to see if they?ve got any plus-size pink cullottes left in stock, Susie.
Goldfinger- Hands down, the best Bond flick ever, from the one-man commando raid at the beginning to the end where Bond electrocutes a giant karate freak . Not to mention the points in between, including the scene where Bond?s CIA contact shows up and Bond dismisses the blond who?d been giving him a massage with a slap on the ass because it?s time for ?Man talk?. Now, it?s wrong to do stuff like that, but not wrong to want to.
Point Blank- The other face of Lee Marvin (who had an admittedly small range of expressions). Here he?s a zombie (perhaps literally) lurching through Los Angeles killing everybody who stands between him and his quarry- an oily worm played by John Vernon who ripped off Marvin?s half of a robbery score.
This was remade as Payback with Mel Gibson in the Marvin role and thus was pretty bad. Mel has to be likeable- Lee Marvin could not?ve cared less about that sort of thing. Mel also indulged his disquieting penchant for being tortured in almost every film he makes. Lee Marvin wouldn?t have put up with that shit for a second.
The Searchers- Almost the only John Wayne movie worth a damn. While at times it?s nearly derailed by director John Ford?s love of Irish schtick and low comedy, as well as the casting of Jeffrey ?The Blue-Eyed Jesus? Hunter as Wayne?s whiny sidekick, Wayne?s portrayal of an obsessed, cruel, and unfortunately racist gunfighter helps keep his career from being a total loss.
Wayne?s grossly overrated as a movie tough guy, but he get mucho credit for this one and True Grit, which is also brilliant, and a lot more fun. Stay away from The Green Berets, Big Jake, and Hatari.
The Right Stuff- Scott Glenn, Fred Ward, Lance Henriksen, Ed Harris, Sam Shepard (also a very manly playwright- much more so than David Mamet most of the time), and Dennis Quaid as test pilots and astronauts. What the hell else do you need to know?
Dirty Harry- Clint Eastwood?s finest hour. Cool hair, cool shades, and cool huge goddamned gun. If you can walk out of a viewing of this film not wanting to own a .44 Magnum and to shoot hippies with it, see your doctor to enquire about gender-reassignment surgery. Also required viewing: Unforgiven, Magnum Force, High Plains Drifter, For a Few Dollars More (also starring Lee Van Cleef), and Kelly?s Heroes. Some people like The Beguiled, but they?re weird.
If after absorbing all of the above, you?re still a wussy little twerp, you have no-one to blame but yourself. Maybe you like being that way, I don?t know. All?s I know is, the above course of study (and the stuff I didn?t have room for) made me the man I am today. And I?m tougher than a two-dollar steak, baby.
Just thought i should share this with what is possibly the manliest place around.