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Male Figure Skaters and Estrogen!?


Male Figure Skater Tests Positive for High Levels of Estrogen

        The figure skating world was rocked this week when a prominent male figure skater tested positive for high levels of estrogen, the hormone found in the female body that is responsible for development of female sex organs. The offender, American skater Blaine Myles, is suspected to have used the hormone to maintain a lithe, artistic frame and promote general fabulousness, a much-desired attribute among male skaters.

        A doping scandal in such a high-profile sport comes at an inopportune time for the International Olympic Committee, which is seeking to crack down on drug usage and blood doping among athletes. However, many figure skating insiders think the positive test is only the first of many in the sport that will be made public in the coming months.

        ?We are disappointed to hear about the positive estrogen test by a male figure skater,? said Dick Pound, the IOC?s anti-doping czar. ?Admittedly, men?s figure skating was not a sport we thought would have a doping problem, but looking back there are countless signs of estrogen abuse by male skaters throughout the years.?

        Myles was subjected to a random test before last week?s U.S. Figure Skating Championships. He was likely nabbed under the IOC?s new testing measures, which look not only for illegal substances that are traditionally abused, such as anabolic steroids, but any and all chemical irregularities.

        ?Myles?s blood was highly estrogenic,? said Dr. Allan Smiley, who administered the test. ?His body had more than eight times the amount of estrogen in it than does that of a typical teenage girl experiencing puberty.? The IOC?s guidelines only allow male figure skaters to have twice the amount of estrogen than a typical teenage girl. ?Also, we were only able to detect trace amounts of testosterone. In fact, at first we thought we may have gotten his sample mixed with that of a menstruating 18-year-old girl.?

        Dr. Smiley also found that Myles was found to be wearing large amounts of perfume. Additionally, his skin was highly moisturized and had a faint scent of mangoes and papaya. ?The perfume and moisturizer stuff isn?t illegal under IOC rules, it?s just kind of peculiar for a man,? he said.

        Gregory was pulled from the competition after his test results came back positive. Word of his infraction spread quickly among the other competitors and left many on edge.

?If Blaine?s test came back positive, then we?re all going down,? said a skater who wished to remain anonymous. ?Blaine is one of the more manly skaters we have ? he is very conservative with the amount of sequins and tassels he wears on his tights and his facial makeup is subtle, refined and rarely tarty. In short, he?s a total and complete dreamboat. You should just see his little tushie wiggle when he does the footwork part of his routine ? but anyway, where was I? Oh! ? no, I don?t think he took estrogen supplements.?

        Under IOC rules, Myles is banned from all international competition for a year. The skater is appealing the test results, claiming he has never taken estrogen supplements. The outcome of his appeal will likely determine the fates of his fellow male figure skaters.

        ?It all depends on whether or not the IOC budges and increases the minimum limit of estrogen it will allow in a male athlete,? said Dara Turner, a skating writer for the ?New York Times.? ?Even if Myles is able to prove he didn?t estrogen dope, he ? in addition to all of the other skaters ? is still going to test at estrogen levels that are off the charts. These guys are just, you know ? come on, you know ? just, uh ? different than most guys.

They?re not pumping themselves full of estrogen to cheat and get a performance edge, they?re just quite, uh ? womanly. The IOC needs to realize that and increase the estrogen limit or its going to find itself completely out of male figure skaters.?

        As for Dr. Smiley, he claims it is not his job to set IOC policy or to interpret the rules, only to enforce them. ?Sure, maybe they aren?t taking estrogen supplements. Maybe they are born that way, but I doubt it,? he said. ?Something strange is definitely going on with these male figure skaters.?



Adrian Griffin


With that much estrogen, wouldn't his 36DDs give something away?


Please...someone get the joke...


lol Dick Pound....i bet he gets all the ladies. hahahahah

but with all that estrogen stuff makes me sick...i knew something was all fucked up in their heads those male figure skaters.....




Sort of funny. Where did this spoof come from?


If your audience doesn't get the joke, one should at least consider that maybe it isn't very funny.


I got it and am laughing my ass off!!


General fabulousness.... lol!


Dick Pound!? C'mon man, it's hilarious!!

LMAO :smiley:


I just about fell out of my chair when I read that part.


Subtle parody is the best kind of satire.........and that was classic.


Yea that was a funny article... general fabulousness hehe

But Dick Pound really is head of the worldwide anti-doping organization.


That makes it even more fabulous!!

Ha ha ha ha!! :smiley:


The general fabulousness of Dick Pound would be something to behold.....

Very funny article.


Always happy to entertain... I re-read it and am STILL laughing my ass off.