T Nation

Making Positive Changes

I got dumped a week ago, which sucked a bit, but I didn’t see her as a long term potential, so I would have dumped her in a short time anyways.

Today, I found out she cheated on me, which of course made me furious, and got me on my present train of thought.

Now, I don’t really need help on the dumped/cheating front, I’ve been around enough to know all the coping stuff. I’m more concerned with making positive changes in my personality/life (if necessary), that she was so ‘kind’ to tell me about.

Reading this site, and life in general has taught me a lot about making changes, but I’ve found behavioural traits are a hard thing to break, as you often don’t know you’re doing them. At the very least. changing them requires dedication and proper motivation.

The main thing I’m wondering is that while the anger from being cheated on is fueling the desire to change now, what is the best way to keep myself committed to these changes once the anger inevitably fades?

Secondly, what are some tricks, in the abscence of someone to point these things out to me, of realizing when I am falling into habit?

Thanks for any help you might have

Hey man, I hope it works out for you. I’ve found for me that the memory of the event is enough to push me. What also works is the re-inforcement feeling you get when you see the positive changes in you having positive effects in others.

As for your second question, if you’re unsure if your conduct was cool or not, relate the experience to someone you trust not to BS you.

Good luck.

Something similar happened to me…and now it’s right back to women wanting to be friends on a really good day. Even though I can’t offer any advice, maybe knowing you’re not alone will ease the pain a bit.

Thanks guys,

I’m not doing bad in terms of hurt, more angry at the disrespect she had for me, lying, manipulation, and that I ignored my gut feelings about a few things.

As far as my behaviour, it’s unrelated stuff to the breakup, as she was basically using me for sex/rebound. It’s more in terms of a future relationship. One thing she said that is that I like to debate, and am told I can be very forceful in presenting my opinions. This can make some people intimidated and that their opinions don’t matter. I can see that, and I am going to work on that.

I know the anger is going to help, but I know I will lose that anger over time, possibly before I’ve eliminated the old, and reinforced the new habit. I was curious whether anyone has had any success, and how they did it.

Woman are always worried that their man is going to go out screwing,but from what ive read here and friends that i have it always seems that the chick always ends up the one who has done the cheating etc etc.

Sorry to hear about that man.See if u can talk her in to having sex 1 more time,then do some nasty shit to her.Put it in her butt then blow over her face and give her the smackdown(slapping your cock on her face).Once u have done that just get up and leave without saying a word.

She should feel like u used her and she will feel like a dirty little slut.

Peace

King of Kings

[quote]King of Kings wrote:
Woman are always worried that their man is going to go out screwing,but from what ive read here and friends that i have it always seems that the chick always ends up the one who has done the cheating etc etc.

Sorry to hear about that man.See if u can talk her in to having sex 1 more time,then do some nasty shit to her.Put it in her butt then blow over her face and give her the smackdown(slapping your cock on her face).Once u have done that just get up and leave without saying a word.

She should feel like u used her and she will feel like a dirty little slut.

Peace

King of Kings[/quote]

haha, thanks man,

I might have done that, but I told her I though she was dirt, and I didn’t really want to ever talk to her again. She’s moving about 8 hours away tomorrow, and I don’t care if I ever see her again.

I know what you mean about the whole woman cheating thing, it’s scary to think about when you read certain books like sperm wars. But what can you do, other than listen to your gut, and get to know a chicks history first.

As far as the debating goes… there are plenty of chics who like to debate - you just need to find some.

You also have to be open minded enough that you can acknowledge the points someone else may make.

Debating is one thing, always having to be “right” is another.

[quote] One thing she said that is that I like to debate, and am told I can be very forceful in presenting my opinions. This can make some people intimidated and that their opinions don’t matter. I can see that, and I am going to work on that
[/quote]

Don’t change because of a bitch! If you like to debate, find a woman that can stand you in a debate, don’t stop debating.

[quote]fraggle wrote:
I got dumped a week ago, which sucked a bit, but I didn’t see her as a long term potential, so I would have dumped her in a short time anyways.

Today, I found out she cheated on me, which of course made me furious, and got me on my present train of thought.

Now, I don’t really need help on the dumped/cheating front, I’ve been around enough to know all the coping stuff. I’m more concerned with making positive changes in my personality/life (if necessary), that she was so ‘kind’ to tell me about.

Reading this site, and life in general has taught me a lot about making changes, but I’ve found behavioural traits are a hard thing to break, as you often don’t know you’re doing them. At the very least. changing them requires dedication and proper motivation.

The main thing I’m wondering is that while the anger from being cheated on is fueling the desire to change now, what is the best way to keep myself committed to these changes once the anger inevitably fades?

Secondly, what are some tricks, in the abscence of someone to point these things out to me, of realizing when I am falling into habit?

Thanks for any help you might have

[/quote]

Really coming out of such things is all about attitude and perspective. So she cheated… that’s her personality flaw and that will be trouble for her in future relationships. You just have to be confident enough in yourself to look forward and know that you’ll come to the right woman in time. And remember that it’s not circumstance that determines happiness, but rather the manner in which we deal with those circumstances. So don’t hate her or resent her… if anything, feel sorry for her and move on with your life.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I have rationalized what happened the way ghost described, it’s just taking some time for the emotions to fade.

As far as the debate thing goes, I realize I tend to try and be “right” all the time, it’s just that usually it’s long after the fact, making it difficult to correct.

I agree that I shouldn’t change because some chick said I should, but I believe being right is a bit of a subconscious habit for me, and it has been mentioned by others before.

I’d like to thank everyone for their advice, hopefully I’ll be able to repay the favour sometime.

I’d like to throw my two cents into this. You mentioned that there were changes you wanted to make, and that anger would fuel them for so long, but what do you do once the anger goes away? Answer- Don’t let it.

And I’m not saying to walk around a blown up bottle of rage 24 hours a day, forever. But, I think it’s healthy to have some hidden anger within you somewhere. Kinda like when you people train heavy-

A lot like to listen to death metal, etc…whatever gets them in the mood to throw heavy shit around. There’s usually a certain amount of anger in the type of music people choose for that.

All I’m saying, is learn how to harness that hidden anger inside of you correctly. What made you mad was you felt like she was right and that there were things that you need to change. While you don’t always have to be mad at HER, and may have forgiven her already for it, you can be mad ABOUT IT forever.

Any time you’re about to do the thing you’re trying to change, just think about her. “I told you so…” Then get PISSED, and prove that cheating bitch wrong. :slight_smile:

Kubo

[quote]King of Kings wrote:
Woman are always worried that their man is going to go out screwing,but from what ive read here and friends that i have it always seems that the chick always ends up the one who has done the cheating etc etc.

[/quote]

Actually, my understanding is that a male is afraid the female will cheat, while the female is afraid the male will fall in love with another as a result of cheating.

And yes, womene do cheat. Even worse, is that women cheat and end up on the higher end of financial settlement. All too often a male will end up paying a divorced female, when the divorce was due to infidelity on the female’s part.

Child support as well as alimony are not taxed. It is free money for cheating wives.