As a follow up to my situation - yes, I have cut off contact with my ex. It hurt but I knew that I would never “regain” myself if I kept in contact.
And as was clarified, the issue is more about learning to maintain myself in a relationship and not pining over an ex. Relationships come and go but I really want to get a handle on losing myself before I enter into anything else. It’s a lot of pressure to put on someone else.
That being said, a lot of this is helpful and I appreciate the feedback. I have a bit of time now (only one final left) and will start going to church (i.e. the gym) once I get my SI joint issues figured out. That and I have time to rededicate to cooking; I like to believe I am a chef from time to time. These have been good for me in terms of self-fulfillment. I may get back into playing the bass too…
I really appreciate the theme that this is a process and that it will take some time and to not re-engage in behaviors that will allow bad habits, i.e. losing myself, to come forward. This means no women or social situations were women are the focus. I think this will be easy to do once I start working (if I ever find a job that is…)
I think above all this is a time to be “self-ish.”
Just a quick update for those that may be in a similar situation.
I had the opportunity to talk to someone much wiser than myself and he hinted at what Dr. Pangloss posted, namely, “There’s some secondary payoff you’re receiving from losing yourself and you need to figure out what it is.” He never told me what it was but left me to figure it out.
I looked back on previous relationships and it was obvious that losing myself was not a problem (in fact, I had a “this is what I’m doing - if you’re not on board then leave” attitude). And now, looking at relationships I’ve had in law school, it’s obvious that I lost myself very easily. In a nutshell, I am fearful of my future and the anxiety of having so many variables up in the air that I was looking for a relationship to “anchor” me in some way. Options and opportunities are great but it becomes panic inducing when loans get involved…
I feel bad about this, but I was placing so much pressure on the other person to be a support. I am glad I had this realization. I don’t know if this is something I can fully address before I start working. However, I’m sure things will stabilize once I start working. Hate that I had to learn it but glad I finally did.
I had the some issue when i was in my early twenties. Then I found hobbies in which i could lose myself and since then everything went better. Girls came in second place because my hobbies were more important (some OCD behavior i guess), and this made me more attractive, because the girls wanted to be my number one…
So set a lang term goal for yourself in a certain domain, i.e. hobby, or work, and let the rest follow in the slipstream of that goal. But be careful, once you get older, do some more water with that wine