T Nation

Losing Myself


#1

Hey guys,

To get to the point, I think I lost myself in a relationship and I am having a hard time getting myself back.

I was dating this girl for a few years (first really serious relationship - talking about marriage, family,etc..) and we broke up in January. I had completely fallen for her, but the relationship slowly deteriorated over time until she decided we should go on a break. It was also her idea that we should try to remain friends - wether this was control or good intentions, I have no idea.

By way of additional background, my father died in February. I was hospitalized with food poisoning shortly thereafter and I also found out I had a sister I never knew about (half-sister and much older). I am also in my last semester of law school and dealing with that stress too.

In March, I met this amazing woman. Despite interest from others, I was so emotionally numb that I hadn't "gotten the fizz" about anyone except her. She realized early that I wasn't over my previous relationship which lead to a personal epiphany of sorts - I discovered that I had become so obsessed with my ex that I forgot about myself and still let this happen. That was a big turning point and I am forever grateful for that.

This woman and I made amends and began seeing each other but that quickly faded. She is a foreign national and didn't want to get too serious with anyone before leaving. Well, we got serious but then I got clingy and dependent. This turned her off and shut her down. Now, she is not attracted to me in general and I understand that. However, I can't get her out of my head and realize that I was in the process of losing myself in her.

My question is how many of you have gone through something like this, were you forget to respect yourself in a relationship and become other focused? What have you done to address it and how long does it take? I understand my situation may be different because I am dealing with quite a few other things that may slow down my process but honestly, I could use any feedback.


#2

Sounds like life. All you can do is learn from it and not let it happen with the next girl.

In the mean time, focus on making yourself a better person in whichever ways appeal to you most. Find things that make you feel happy and fulfilled, and commit to continuing with those things even once a new female comes along.


#3

I do not know what you are feeling… but I can offer a few words of advice.

-cut off all contact, if you haven’t already.
-spend time with friends
-pursue your interests and consider developing new ones
-do not stress about things that you cannot change. it’s over, she’s not coming back.

-most importantly, know that in time, you will get past this.


#4

+1 for Walkaway, also understand there is no scarcity of women out there and any number of them could be “the one” you end up with and very happy, so don’t get hung up on one while you work on being the best “you” you can be.


#5

[quote]mwebb wrote:
Hey guys,

To get to the point, I think I lost myself in a relationship and I am having a hard time getting myself back.

I was dating this girl for a few years (first really serious relationship - talking about marriage, family,etc…) and we broke up in January. I had completely fallen for her, but the relationship slowly deteriorated over time until she decided we should go on a break. It was also her idea that we should try to remain friends - wether this was control or good intentions, I have no idea.

[/quote]

Tip: sexually active men are never “friends” with women they like. Some might pretend to be because they think it’s a way in but there is no such thing as a “friendship” between two people if one of them wants to fuck the other. Believe me, I’ve never been “friends” with a beautiful woman in my life and never will be. Essentially your girl is trying to dump you in as gentle a way as possible. Forget it and move on. If you pine for her and plan of “winning her back” you’ll be entering loser territory. Move on it’s over. Plenty of other women out there.

That’s actually similar to the situation I was in not long ago; nursed my mother to death, maimed myself shortly after and was stuck in a wheelchair for months. When I hit rock bottom I always seem to spring back and get stronger. Honestly, nearly killing myself was the best thing that ever happened to me in a way. I feel great. Better than I have ever felt in my life before to be honest.

Everyone has been through similar stuff. Especially when they were young. I was a different person in my early 20’s. I didn’t really become a man till my late twenties which was not so long ago. Just forget about your ex. You’re infatuated with her now but in a year’s time you’ll have forgotten all about it. You won’t even remember what she looks like. So move on.


#6

This happens.

Swear off women for a year, and stick to it. Cut these women out of your life. Ignore their messages. Do not call. Work out, finish law school, and take the bar. Start your new job. Save money. Do not buy a new car or anything of value but suits and good shoes for work.

Do not Facebook. In fact, get off the Internet to the extent possible. Do not drink or party. Eat clean. Read real books, preferably the ones you were supposed to read in H.S., but blew off. Go to church or synagogue or whatever you believe in, but don’t get involved in any of their activities. Just listen for a year. Work on making yourself successful.

Women, above all, want high value men for attraction (looks, money, status) and stay with men they respect (intelligence, work ethic, confidence).


#7

[quote]Mr. Walkway wrote:
I do not know what you are feeling… but I can offer a few words of advice.

-cut off all contact, if you haven’t already.
-spend time with friends
-pursue your interests and consider developing new ones
-do not stress about things that you cannot change. it’s over, she’s not coming back.

-most importantly, know that in time, you will get past this. [/quote]

that’s a suprisingly awesome post


#8

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
Swear off women for a year, and stick to it. Cut these women out of your life. Ignore their messages. Do not call. Work out, finish law school, and take the bar. Start your new job. Save money. Do not buy a new car or anything of value but suits and good shoes for work.

Do not Facebook. In fact, get off the Internet to the extent possible. Do not drink or party. Eat clean. Read real books, preferably the ones you were supposed to read in H.S., but blew off. Go to church or synagogue or whatever you believe in, but don’t get involved in any of their activities. Just listen for a year. Work on making yourself successful.
[/quote]

This is superb advice.


#9

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
Swear off women for a year, and stick to it. Cut these women out of your life. Ignore their messages. Do not call. Work out, finish law school, and take the bar. Start your new job. Save money. Do not buy a new car or anything of value but suits and good shoes for work.

Do not Facebook. In fact, get off the Internet to the extent possible. Do not drink or party. Eat clean. Read real books, preferably the ones you were supposed to read in H.S., but blew off. Go to church or synagogue or whatever you believe in, but don’t get involved in any of their activities. Just listen for a year. Work on making yourself successful.
[/quote]

This is superb advice.[/quote]

x3


#10

Lol just get revenge by banging her mum but make sure you send her a text saying 'i got a suprise for you at my(or whatever house you are at) then tell her to look through the window to see her suprise-you banging some girl(her mum, sister, father etc) even better if its on her birthday.


#11

I’m not sure he’s asking how to get over his last GF, but instead, who has been in a relationship where they lost their sense of self and what did they do to regain it. And presumably, what have they done to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.

OP, you need to do a lot of reading on your own until you find something that resonates with you. A lot of the books and articles will either be directed towards women or those who have addicts in their lives. Ignore that and read them anyways. There’s some secondary payoff you’re receiving from losing yourself and you need to figure out what it is.


#12

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I’m not sure he’s asking how to get over his last GF, but instead, who has been in a relationship where they lost their sense of self and what did they do to regain it. And presumably, what have they done to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future.

OP, you need to do a lot of reading on your own until you find something that resonates with you. A lot of the books and articles will either be directed towards women or those who have addicts in their lives. Ignore that and read them anyways. There’s some secondary payoff you’re receiving from losing yourself and you need to figure out what it is.
[/quote]

Wut!?!

Needz Book of Pook.

https://bookofpook.neocities.org

Moar Pook for the masses!


#13

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#14

x3 on what 'Ruffian said.

Throw yourself into your studies and completely forget about women for a few months.


#15

[quote]RampantBadger wrote:
x4 on what 'Ruffian said.

Throw yourself into your studies and completely forget about women for a few months.[/quote]


#16

[quote]orion wrote:

Wut!?!

Needz Book of Pook.

https://bookofpook.neocities.org

Moar Pook for the masses![/quote]

First boundaries, then broads.

If you do it the other way around, you’re going to be stuck with the same problem.


#17

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

Women, above all, want high value men for attraction (looks, money, status) and stay with men they respect (intelligence, work ethic, confidence).
[/quote]

I liked the whole post, but wanted to endorse this piece specifically because it speaks to something past getting laid by indiscriminate or fortune-hunting women, which is what talk of “attraction” seems mostly geared to on TN.


#18

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

Wut!?!

Needz Book of Pook.

https://bookofpook.neocities.org

Moar Pook for the masses![/quote]

First boundaries, then broads.

If you do it the other way around, you’re going to be stuck with the same problem.
[/quote]

Wut!?!

You have not internalized the Pook!

Moar Pook?

Boundaries are good, but the Pook is better.


#19

This is where those old SAMA posts from AngryChicken would be perfect. Dude needs to learn to set up his own boundary that cannot be affected by others and is only under his control. I’ll have to look when I get home- I cannot recall the name of the one book that he typically recommended. I know there are a couple of guys on here that know what I am talking about…

Edit: I think it’s “Mind OS” by Paul Dobransky. OP- look it up and read it. I think you can find a PDF online so it should be free


#20

[quote]RampantBadger wrote:
x3 on what 'Ruffian said.

Throw yourself into your studies and completely forget about women for a few months.[/quote]

A year. I am serious about that. Break the problematic behaviors.