T Nation

Long Term Girlfriend Issues


#1

Need some advice. I am moving across the country because of my sport. My girl has interest in coming with but I know that she will be really unhappy without here family and friends. I have done this move because of my sport multiple times. I am relatively used to it. She is not. Right now I am away from her home town and will be coming back to move the rest of my shit. Not sure how I Should go about this or if I should go about it at all. I really do enjoy having here around, we dated for almost 2 years and lived together alot fo that time. I just dont want her to move out here and get a lease or a house and figure out that she hates it. What should I do? let it play out? or dump her on the spot. Really need some advice. I appreciate any critism even if its harsh. Honesty is good for everyone including me.


#2

Reading between the lines, I’m assuming you’re asking if it’s ok to dump her?

Yeah it is - especially if it’s best for both of you in the long term. Depends where your priorities are (and they appear to be with your sport).


#3

Yeah I don’t know. I don’t wanna be a piece of shit and dump her when I spent so much time building a great life with her, but she’s always been higher matience. Depression and anxiety that are both controlled with medication and she is fine, but she’s always had very good support system built around here. I have a feeling when that’s gone. Shit is going down hill.


#4

You sound like you’re in a very similar situation to my younger brother.

It’s difficult for me to say anything about your specific situation, so obviously take it with a pinch of salt, but you don’t want to be living your entire life having a dependent around that makes you feel guilty if you don’t “play ball.”

In my experience, I really don’t think people with depression and anxiety can be long-term happy until they sort out internal issues themselves. May be a bit harsh, but it seems to be true.


#5

I agree to a certain point about the last part of your post. She can never be alone for any kind of period of time. The question is do I let her come to this conclusion on here own. Or do I go at it straight and hard and just have a really terrible honest conversation?


#6

Clearly the latter would be FAR better for you.

In terms of what’s better for her (think long-term here), I’m not going to commit to an answer, just in case.


#7

Why did you cohabitate with crazy in the first place? If she is barely keeping it together and is needy in your current town, and those things are unacceptable to you. Then you’ve been leading her on and failing to address the problem.

When you address it now be prepared for anger and confusion from her. It will be somewhat understandable: “Hey GF you’re great in town A but you aren’t GF material in town B”


#8

If you don’t have a kid together, you won’t be a piece of shit. Let her go, pursue what you love.


#9

Is she an accessory to you and your circumstance or are you two equal partners in a relationship?

I’ve never seen a woman that was happy as an accessory under any circumstance. If thats the case- don’t dump her. Let her off the hook.


#10

Yeah I think she would do some pretty crazy shit if I didn’t do it in the right way


#11

Yeah this is what I feel kinda bad about. When I lived in city A I felt I could have a long term thing with this girl, now I just feel like its unreasable


#12

What do you mean accessory, weve lived together for like a yearish. We relied on eachother pretty hard for a lot of things?


#13

An accessory. An add on. It’s not really a blame thing, but more of a role in the dynamics of a relationship. Here’s an example- A good friend of mine was a man with a plan. He graduated from a good university and entered his field. Then started looking for women to make a family. He found a good one and married her. Then she had babies while he advanced his career. About 8 years later she hates him and they’re divorced.

Why? Because she was an accessory to his life, not equal partner in theirs. She also had her Ba. in a good field which she started to pursue, but had to give up to become his wife/baby factory/house keeper. So it became all about one person and what the other had to do in support of him instead of what they both wanted and moved toward as a couple.

Its like clockwork in modern relationships the way that they self destruct, almost down to the moment.

So the question for you to answer for yourself is this- What is your modus operandi? Do you move in to town, find a woman and fill in space of time with her then move on, or are you earnestly looking for a partner to share your life and move forward with.

Like I said, not judging. That is more for you to answer yourself than anything.


#14

You’re describing traditional/conservative gender role divisions (male primary, female in supportive role) but calling them “modern relationships.” Have I missed something?


#15

The time in which they are occurring and contemporary changes in the aspirations of many women? Maybe?

Also, I guess I draw a distinction between the voluntary participation or active pursuit of the role of house keeper/support rather than simply taking the occurrence of it as the intended result. Its just an observation of mine that many women may be in the traditional role, but that was not their intended outcome of pursuing an education related to a profession.


#16

I think @SkyzykS is pointing out that some narcissists date and marry people with a predetermined goal. They need to find a person they can “plug in” to be housekeeper/provider/etc… usually those people are strong willed and “steer” their partners into the role with little regard for the other person.

My interpretation anyway.


#17

Somewhat, but narcissist is a pretty strong term. I’m trying to describe something more like two people that have different intentions- aware of them or not, that come into conflict with each other due to lack of expression.

My wife and I have had some pretty frank discussions- like steering committee meetings of sorts- on where we are at, what our intentions are, etc. and where we as a couple/family are heading.

If that kind of stuff isn’t out in the open, someone is going to feel shorted on input and direction of where things are going.

Back to the topic - If you can correctly identify what your intentions are, you have a better chance of finding who you need to fulfill them, and no one will end up feeling like they got the short end of it or a bad guy.


#18

If you want to be successful then you already have your answer.


#19

Just talked to her on the phone. I explained frankly that I don’t think its a good idea for her to move out here, she would have to live 45 minutes away from where I would be staying at. I told her its not fair to her, I love her but I can’t be in a situation where she lives out here and hates me and resents me and then our relationship and her complete life and will being explode. I’m going back to her home town to pick up the rest of my shit on Sunday. Any advice on what I should say or do next, literally just got off the phone with her. Feeling kind of fucked up for it, but I know that its the best thing for both of us. I entertained the idea of a long distance relationship, I know she doesn’t want that, but it could make this break up seem like it was her idea. I think this would help her mentally. I don’t know bros, let me know what you guys think?


#20

Good job bigman, you gotta do whats right for both of you. And dont feel bad about ending it, women dump dudes all the time and have zero fucking remorse when they do it. Us guys we feel bad and hesitate but I guarantee you if she met “BIGGERMANfootball69” at her sisters wedding you’d be getting the call that she’s tired of moving and wants to “find herself” (as she’s waiting at Starbucks for her new beau to show up)

zero fucking remorse.

Good job though, life goes on and you’ll be fine.