T Nation

Life Lesson to Share w/ Married Men


#1

This summer I married the woman of my dreams...funny, smart, sassy, beautiful and full of life.

Once the wedding plans began, the way we treated each other really began to change for the worse, and only 4 months into our marriage I am sad to say that she has moved out and is likely not looking to reconcile.

What I would like to share with all married men is this:

No matter what the situation, treat her like the queen she deserves to be treated like. Love her daily, tell her what she means to you, buy her flowers, let her know the difference she makes in your life.

Too often we take what we have for granted and let what was once wonderful die a slow death. If I could go back in time there would not have been agruements and screaming, there would have been discussions and support. There would not have been winning and losing, but compromise and unconditional love.

DO NOT take her for granted, and remember every day the woman that you fell in love with and do what you did back then to win her heart. When times are hard dont let it drive a wedge between you, but use it as the glue that holds you together.

We always used to say "same team" in the middle of a fight when we were dating and resolve it, and somewhere we lost that. In sports I have always put the team ahead of my own desires, yet in marriage I could not see that I needed to feed her desires to make the relationship grow.

Enjoy the woman who is on your arm, because if you don't...you may look over and find her gone. And trust me there is no bigger hurt in the world than losing your best friend.

AJ


#2

I am sorry to hear about your marriage problems. I really am I know the hurt you feel.

But marriage break down in 4 months?

I can't ... what the...holly shit just keeps coming into my brain.

You both fail!

You both need a good kick in the ass. Your married that doesn't mean we fight and its time for divorce.

Maybe I am old fashioned but when your married its for life. Not till is convinent to leave.

Unless there is abuse or something horrible going on, then there is no reason to dissolve.


#3

I'm sorry to hear your loss..

Even though I wasn't married, I know where your coming from. It felt like I was already married after being with my x for over 8 yrs... Dec 3rd (2 days ago) would have been 9yr anniversary..

AJ, if you have some time read these materials:
Doc Love - The System
David DeAngelo - Double Your Dating
This material will help you keep your next girl's interest level high so she will never leave you.

Time heals all wounds...


#4

Don't take her for granted, but also, don't reflect back and idolize her. She obviously pissed you off at some point for you too to be arguing. Shit, sometimes things just don't work out, doesn't make either one of you bad. Good luck to ya AJ.


#5

If she threw in the towel after four months, you either did a MASSIVE 180 personality-wise or it wasn't really working to begin with.


#6

I would disagree with the "treat her like a queen" advice. I treat my wife with the same dignity and respect as I treat myself to. I consider a persons ability to love and respect another person to be strongly related to their level of love and respect of themself.

To treat another person like royalty, or to put them above you creates a relationship that lacks symetry.

Here's something to consider-

The pastor that married me and my wife administered a personality test as part of our pre-marital counseling. It weighed our traits on a continuoum(sp?) of least-most, strongest tendency/weakest tendency type of thing.

We turned out to be exact opposites in each trait to the same degree. The pastor was a little put off by this, thinking that it was apparent that we are complete opposites and have nothing in common.

I countered that we share a lot of middleground. So far we have had to meet in the middle quite a bit, and it seems to be working very well.

I hope you find happiness.


#7

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#8

I agree with this. The quickest way to make a woman lose interest is to give her too much attention, I've been there and I know it's hard to avoid when you're really into someone.


#9

That's a nice speech, but give some details of the kind of things that made you resort to screaming matches. I can't for the life of me see how you go from discussing the floral arrangements at your wedding to hating each other's guts, unless one or both of you is fucked up in the head.


#10

Pics, or it didn't happen.


#11

ActionJackson, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

I am going to echo what the guys are saying. Maybe you are saying "treat her like the queen she deserves to be treated like" because you may have done some things you now regret, possibly you did not treat her as well as you wish you would have.

It sounds as though in your regret you are going to the other extreme. Like you, we want to he treated with love and kindness (and a frank response when we cross your boundaries). We want to be treated as your partner, but healthy women do not want to be your queen (except maybe just the queen of your heart).

I love the "same team" motto that you had when you two were happy. Its possible that you will see a better response from her if you approach her that way, instead of with a "you're my queen" mentality.

I've never met this girl, of course, this is just my perspective as a female. Good luck, I hope you find a solution that makes you both happy.


#12

Aw, AJ... that sucks. I hope it works out for the better for you both.

Your advice though, is spot on. I live by that as my wife and I head into 23 years of marriage. I literally thank God every week for the gift that is my wife. I often find myself thinking it's amazing how lucky I am and it's hard to believe it's been so long we've been together. It still feels fresh and exciting in many ways.


#13

Go to marriage counseling. The first couple of years of marriage are hard.


#14

I totally agree as well.. If you kiss their ass 24/7, "oh baby whats wrong?", "what can I do to make it better?" They will disrespect you and their interest level for you will drop and thus they will leave.


#15

Personally I believe marriage is nothing but an control issue, church, government, family and individuals. Once you're married your life is controlled by outside influences. Works for some but not for all. Some people should never get married.

Single works great for me, but not everyone!


#16

  • the speed of light squared

#17

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.


#18

Agree with SkyzykS.

About the "pussy on a pedestal" thing.. I think that's where modern culture is fundamentally wrong when it comes to marriage. That phrase makes it sound like you're playing games in marriage - but it really shouldn't be so.

Isn't marriage just about finding your second half? Exactly like SkyzykS said, you have to treat your other half just like you would treat yourself. On the other hand, consciously trying to treat your wife less-than-well, or like royalty (another extreme), probably won't work in the long run.

Streamline - Marriage is also a reason to persevere once things go off. Relationships require work, and "marriage", in most cases, make sure that you persevere once things get a little sour. Does that make sense? Do you honestly believe it's "nothing but a control issue," or are you just exaggerating for the sake of argument?


#19

Enjoy the woman who is on your arm, because if you don't...you may look over and find her gone. And trust me there is no bigger hurt in the world than losing your best friend.

Best to start looking for a new one. Sooner or later you'll find another, and some how that one will be the special one. Most of this is egoic illusion, that's why most marriages hit rough spots after a few years.

Accept your present situation and move on. Your new partner is out there,lift the veil. Among every perceived tragedy is a opportunity.


#20

Which must be fraction of the cases where the man complains about a moratorium on oral sex post-nuptials.

Just (perverted) devil's advocate, if you will.